And we wait...

   This post is by far the toughest for me to write.  As I write the tears pool around the keyboard, my heart heavy with the reality of where we are.  I am going to pull from what little inner strength I have left this evening and once again try and bring God glory in the midst of struggle, but I won't lie and say that is easy.  But as we progress further into our infertility treatment I felt it was time to put it all out there and pray that through my words of honesty some prayer warriors will arise.  We have many who have selflessly continued to pray, encourage, and support and for that we are so grateful!  Again I pray that God may speak through me as I write and that others may find comfort and peace through it.

  As Jamie and I began house hunting this past spring we also decided that it was time to move forward with fertility treatments and so in June we finally went to the fertility clinic to get the ball rolling.  Anyone who knows anything about fertility treatments knows that nothing happens quickly so it was the end of the summer until we were actually at a point where we were ready to begin our first cycle.  We went into the first cycle with high hopes and excitement that we were FINALLY moving forward.  After a L-O-N-G month of waiting, testing, insemination, waiting, testing, and more waiting God said "no" that time.  It was a difficult process for us because literally 12 hours before we were supposed to take "the test" I got my period.  Every day without my period got us one step closer to a dream we have so desperately hoped for.  It was a tough pill to swallow and the thought of moving ahead with who knew how many more cycles made me age a few years.  But knowing that this is our only option propelled us forward once again and we started with round 2.  More clomid, more testing, more waiting and then we got news we weren't anticipating.  We were a day away from possible insemination again, I had a follicle ready to go and we were told that they found polyps in my uterus.

  Once again the wind was taken out of our sails.  Although they aren't like the polyps that are found in your intestines, we were told they could act like an IUD and prevent a pregnancy from taking as well as increase the chances for miscarriage.  Simply put, they needed to come out before we could proceed with further treatments.  So last week I had a D&C to remove the polyps.  All went well with the surgery beyond the fact that I DO NOT do well on the other side of things.  Being a patient versus being a nurse is NOT something I relish...although I know few do.  Sometimes knowing it all is NOT helpful.  Regardless, I survived and, thanks to my wonderful husband, received excellent care post-op.  Thankful to have that behind me and although not looking forward to waiting yet another month to begin again with our cycles, we were ready to move forward.

  Today I received a phone call from my fertility doctor.  The pathology report came back with atypical cells which can indicate cancer sometimes.  Although these atypical cells may have come from the polyps if they were fast-growing and rapidly changing, which would explain the atypical part, they couldn't definitively rule out cancer.  So the plan...the only option we have at this point...is to repeat the D&C in a month and get a better idea of the cells inside.  This means once again putting our fertility treatments on hold until after the New Year.

  Needless to say Jamie and I are both at a low point.  The first time we received the news of the polyps was difficult knowing that we had finally, after 7 long years, gotten to a point where we could move forward.  The news today was devastating.  We feel as though we just keep getting kicked when we're already down.  I realize to some this may seem like a simple problem and easily fixed and yes, our hope is that surgery will "fix" this for us and we can move on from there.  But even if that's the solution to this problem and there is nothing else wrong it still means more time...time spent yearning, hoping...trying to believe that God can work a miracle in our lives.

   I firmly believe that God has a perfect plan for our lives and although right now I don't understand why or fully appreciate the bumpy road, I can find a small window of hope in the blessings.  We are richly blessed with family and friends who have carried us through this.  I am so wonderfully blessed with Jamie, my true soulmate and rock...an absolute gift from God!  We have been blessed by the outpouring of prayer from so many...we have deeply felt the impact of prayer.  And we are blessed by a Father who doesn't always shield us from the negatives life may bring us, but has ALWAYS promised to walk with us every step of the way.  He IS my Strength, my Comforter, and my Rock...the ultimate Healer!!

  I don't know the plans God has for my life and beyond getting through today, I have no idea how He will see us through this.  The next few weeks are not going to be easy for us and the very thought of waiting some more is crippling.  I do know that believing and trusting in God is going to be a minute to minute decision for me and I know that no matter the outcome God WILL provide for our needs.

   Again thank you to all who lift us up in prayer and encourage daily!!  We only ask one thing...please pray for us in the weeks to come!

  I took this picture of Jamie the day we had our first insemination and I took it knowing full well that no matter what happened I was going to praise God, whether we got a baby or not.  Today we lift our hands up to One who makes ALL things possible.

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him and I am helped; therefore my heart exults, and with my song I shall thank Him."   ~Psalm 28:7