I've struggled many times in wanting to start writing this post and then feeling inadequate to do so. Yes, I've been quiet here lately but life for us has been anything but quiet. We have all been settling in here and adjusting to life as a family. It hasn't been easy...in fact the hardest thing thus far that we've done...but we are all surviving and have had some really amazing moments together and all around we're all getting excited for the adoption process to begin so we can truly feel like a family. God has used this whole situation to bring me to a deeper, more rooted relationship with Him and learn that I need to daily lean on Him and trust His magnificent plan for our lives.
A drawing from my oldest for me...huge in our world, as love wasn't something he spoke initially. :)
In happy, fun news, Jamie and I got to go to Washington D.C. for Valentine's Day (our Christmas gift from his wonderful boss!) and we had a simply wonderful time away together!! My parents kept the boys and were wonderful in giving us this weekend to ourselves. It definitely gave them a better appreciation for the some of the struggles we face in the baggage that comes with our boys and for that we're grateful for some understanding. Everyone had a grand weekend all around. The boys got to spend some much needed time with Grammy and Happy (for some reason my middle calls Pappy this sometimes...he also refers to the butchershop as the wutchershop...totally cute). They couldn't wait for their sleepover and neither could Jamie and I. It was the first real break we've had since we got them back in October and it was time! Although the temperatures were more like Montana in the winter than East coast winter, we had a fabulous time walking ALL over D.C.!! Foot and hand warmers were on the top of our favorite list that weekend along with comfortable shoes...style took a backseat to staying warm and keeping my feet from blistering, but we had sooo much fun just enjoying one another's company! Oh how I love that man!!!
We we have had some amazing, positive moments in the past few months and the love for them continues to bloom and grow. We've also experienced some major moments of brokenness and heartache. We knew this journey wouldn't be without it's battles and struggles but nothing can ever truly prepare you for just how real it becomes. I've experienced anxiety and fear in a whole new light. I've come face to face with the enemy and I can say with utmost certainly that without God I would not have survived any of it. When you are brought to your absolute lowest point and completely ripped apart and you're left with the rawest form of yourself, that's when God can do some of the His greatest work. I had been brought to this moment in my life and left bleeding and scarred, but a shell of the self I once knew, struggling to find some piece of the person I once knew and grabbing at anything that brought about a sense of peace and self -worth. We learned that spiritual warfare isn't something that happens elsewhere, it was brought right to our own doorstep. We're not naive to spiritual warfare nor did we feel immune to it prior to this, but I don't recall a time when I felt it quite this strongly. The devil was looking for a foothold and he almost succeeded at gaining one.
It was in these moments of paralyzing fear, uncertainty, and brokenness that I crawled to God, praying with every fiber of my being that He would heal the wounds that had begun to cripple me. My life felt like this black, gapping hole, with no hope. It was in one of these moments, one I will never forget, that my amazing husband knew what I needed and took my shaking hand in his and began praying for me. I began asking my closest friends to pray for us and I opened my Bible and began reading and soaking in His words of love and peace. My dear friend, Mrs Tate, gave me, Hope for the Weary Mom Devotional, a 40-Day Journey, for Christmas and it quickly became one of my favorite things! One of my biggest fears in getting a devotional for moms was the fear in feeling like someone else had it all together as a mom and I'd feel judged as I read thru it. The words within these pages truly ministered to my aching soul and my time spent in devotions each day has quickly become a favorite time of day. It's MY time and MY time to spend with my Heavenly Father.
I was listening to a song on the radio recently and somehow I seem to do some of my deepest thinking and praying while I'm driving. It's just me, the road, and my thoughts sometimes. I had just experienced a true God moment the night before in "hearing" Him loud and clear. I had seen a post from a friend on FB regarding the same devotional I've been reading and I remembered thinking that I didn't remember reading that particular chapter yet. Don't you know it, that very evening that was the chapter my bookmark opened to. It was titled, He is Able, and the verse was Daniel 3:17,
"If you throw is into the blasting furnace, then the God we serve is able to rescue us from a furnace of blazing fire and release us from your power, Your Majesty."
That evening I also decided to just open my Bible and see where God took me. I literally opened my Bible and the first verse my eyes laid on was the very verse above. If that isn't a clear message from God, I don't know what is! God was trying to tell me something and I was thrilled to finally have a moment of true clarity from God...the neon, flashing lights, this is exactly the direction you should take clarity. He was reminding me that He is there thru the mess for me. The little point at the end of my devotion that evening was this,
"The fire is a place to refine us and make us like Him."
This got me thinking about scars and refining fire. And I had this thought, what if God allows us to go thru these moments of fear, brokennes, and being stripped to our rawness so that He can create a masterpiece?? I immediately began thinking of all the wounds and scars I carry inside that no one else sees. Back to this moment in the car and the song I was listening to, "Diamonds" by Hawk Nelson, talks about refining (OK God, I'm seeing the trend here) and about God making diamonds out of us. So what if...what if God is allowing those scars happen so that when we only have Him to lean on it's thru those scars and wounds others can see God shining thru the brightest??
What if in those moments of brokenness when we feel all hope is lost and the life we knew now lays in shattered pieces, what if in our weakest we allow the One who created us to put us back together and allow Him to shine thru those cracks? He knows our beginning...He knows our ending...only He can mend us in a fashion that is truly fitting for our story. Let the heartbreak and the scars become a true representation of the person that you are and let the One who knows you best and SEES every single scar and broken piece be the One who shines thru you the brightest! We may not be the same person we were, but then I don't want to be that person any more. This me knows and understands a little more and this me is much more connected to the God who cancels out all those shadows and crippling darkness in my life. Instead of looking back and regretting and wishing things hadn't been so difficult, I'd rather look back and see the ways in which God was working, molding, and at times allowing the pain and the brokenness. Yes, he ALLOWS us pain and suffering sometimes! He built us for the journey and gave us the greatest hope in the midst of difficulty...Himself! We need only lay down our fears and self-loathing at His feet and trust that He built us for something incredible!
Let light shine out of the darkness
2 Corinthians 4:6
