*Disclaimer: This post is not meant to offend anyone or point fingers at anyone but to sincerely share how things are going in our world and give a little perspective into how foster parenting has been for us in the last year. It is the raw...the real...even the ugly, us.
It has been quite some time since I've written about our journey and it's mostly been from the lack of time to actually sit down and complete any one task at a time and partly due to fear. I feared the judgment that may come in sharing the deep, dark truths in our journey and I worried constantly that the anxiety and panic that ensues when that does happen will once again envelop me and that maybe I won't recover from it this time around. But you know, as Christians we are called to follow God even through the darkest valleys and even when it feels like the world is against us, that HE is FOR US. I've come to a point where I'm losing the desire to care what others think of us because in the grand scheme of things, unless you've walked this road and battled this journey, you have NO idea what you'd do in our shoes. So here it is!
WOW, I have learned so much in the last year!! In many ways the boys have changed me far more than I'll ever change them! I think the biggest thing I've learned is purpose. I've come to the humbling, broken realization that I was meant to be their mom. There's a line from a song my boys and I love to sing and it says,
From my mother's womb
You have chosen me
Love has called my name
I've been born again
Into your family
Your blood flows through my veins
(No Longer Slaves ~ Bethel Music)
I love those words for more than just the meaning they have for me, a child of God, but for the deep meaning they have for our situation with the boys. From the moment my precious boys were conceived, God had a plan for them as well. We were meant to be a family LONG before we knew one another. There is such beauty in that! God's plans for us far exceeded the plans we had for ourselves.
That being said, God's plans often don't come with special instructions and a beautiful floor plan. It's like putting together a piece of furniture from Ikea except you've got the directions for a slightly different piece in front of you. There are a few screws loose, the ends don't always match up, and it doesn't blend in the way you had hoped it would. But despite it's flaws, the more you embrace it, the more you begin to feel like it was perfectly meant for you. Sometimes you walk past it and feel like it was all wrong and it just doesn't fit and you doubt your choice, but you realize that when you go to remove it, in your heart you know it's right for you. I often feel like I've been this way with God's plans for my life. I feel this deep rooted desire to embrace it but when the valleys become deeper and darker, it's sometimes harder to see the light and understand this plan He has for you. How can anything good come from something so ugly? Time and time again God used the ugly in someone's life to bring about glory and honor to His name. So why can't God use my own ugly? And with that being said, here comes the ugly part.
We've gotten much advice from many parents on how to parent throughout our journey and we greatly appreciate the love and encouragement from so many. Yet, many days we struggled, continuing to feel lost and alone. It wasn't due to lack of support or caring from so many, but due to feeling lost in a world in between again. Throughout our infertility journey we struggled feeling like we were stuck in that lonely little circle being the couple among all of our friends who didn't have children and couldn't relate or share as we had no idea how to. And now that we finally get to be parents, we still feel like we're stuck in that lonely little circle. We thought we'd finally get out of our lonely-not-parents group and the suddenly we are faced with the bitter reality that while we are now parents, it still has it's own stigma and we remain in our own little circle due to this thing called early childhood trauma. It's ugly and I hate it!! It envelops the years in my boys lives that I wasn't a part of and involves events that happened that I'll never know about. This is the part of parenting that isn't normal. OK, OK, what is normal?? There is no normal in parenting, but if there was we would be, most definitely, removed from anything close to resembling it.
You see the ugly part of this and the part that few want to hear is that we went into this situation thinking, oh blindly thinking, that love would solve their problems, cure their trauma, and make their world better. Instead we've been left with the sad, bitter reality that loving them doesn't make it better or even change things. That despite loving, your child will do anything in his power to rebel against that. That despite loving, your son will poop his pants just to show you he is in control. Despite loving, he'll ruin something just to see how upset he can make you. Despite loving, he will chose not to do any work in school even though he knows how, just for the extra attention he gets from a teacher. It sounds harsh, it sounds illogical, it sounds absurd...it's our daily reality. It's all about controlling and that means that from the moment they entered our home, the fight for control had begun. There is manipulation, lying, triangulation, destroying things, stealing, poor behavior, etc...on a daily basis in my home. You may be saying, "well my child does that too." And you're right, many biological children do these things. The difference is that most children have a cause and effect and normal discipline and punishment will often work for many children. Put them in a time out and then discuss it and the child will feel remorse. The difference is that my son could be in a time out all day and he may say he's sorry and say all the right things and turn around and do that very thing the minute you turn around and simply for the reaction, yes even the negative, that he'll get from it. It's a daily battle and struggle asking ourselves as parents, 'how should we respond to this...do we even respond to this? Or are we reacting in just the way he wanted when he chose to behave poorly?' We are many days mentally exhausted from battling the "games" we have to play. We've made so many mistakes in the last year and looking back sometimes I just shake my head at how naive we were. We've tapped out our creativity in trying to find ways to connect. And just when you feel you've connected and there is some improvement, next week you'll find you're back to square one and you need to come up with something else that connects. My positive affirmation tank has been bone dry for months. Yet despite that, they need to hear it, feel it, and see it from us. But how?? (There is so much more on this subject, I could probably fill a book on it, but maybe I'll write more about this another day.)
Despite all of this, we are called to love and we were called to be their parents! And we have learned so much about ourselves! We've learned that there is NO amount of preparation or classes that could have ever prepared us to parent children with trauma. You learn that the world of psychology can be hugely frustrating as a foster parent. You learn that to do anything in the realm of making appointments and getting your child seen by any kind of professional takes hurdles and leaps you feel inadequately prepared for. You learn that your life is completely vulnerable to anyone working on your "case". You learn to hope for a good case worker from the start, one who will listen, support, and guide you through the roller coaster of life every 2 weeks. And that roller coaster (which I hate with a passion, I don't even like the Trailblazer at Hershey Park...gag a maggot!) flies at speeds and over turns you think will inevitably derail your life. You feel life is a constant balancing act, just waiting to tip one way or the other. And yet through it all, we've had one constant. Through the moments of doubt and moments you loose the desire to continue to do this and be THEIR parents, God has been there. Through the deepest trenches and darkest days, God has found ways to remind us that He will always be a constant and that He has an incredible plan for our family. We've found friends who have walked the foster/adoption journey and have lived to share their story and encourage us through our unique struggles.
I grew up with the motto "embrace the challenge" grilled into me and I could not be more grateful for that influence as we walk the challenges of parenting our boys. I'm learning that I need to be my boys advocates (and a fiercer one they'll never find!). I've spent months feeling isolated and alone in my struggles. And after countless hours of research, I've found hope in knowing I'm most definitely NOT! Through that research I've found other moms who have been faced with similar circumstances and children that don't "fit the mold". Through it all I've found immeasurable peace in knowing there are others who have walked this road and took the courage to share their struggles. And now another challenge has been set into motion. What can I do to encourage those around me who may be facing a similar journey??
God never uses anyone greatly
until he tests them deeply
~A.W. Tozer
If there is any chance my words are connecting with another foster or adoptive mom, then I hope you hear these words. Don't give up!! Don't let the challenges you face make you drown in the discouragement of it. Rise to the challenge in loving the unloveable. Parenthood may not have come to you in the ways you hoped or expected. This journey may not be what you had hoped and dreamed it would be, but God can and will use you through it. And when the reality in realizing that just loving them isn't the answer, stay strong, hold your ground, and find peace in knowing that God has carved out this imperfect, beautiful plan for your life and for theirs. Rejoice in the small victories we gain and allow yourself to find peace in God's grace and mercy when that small victory becomes overshadowed with another heartache.
If you're reading this and you haven't fostered or adopted but you're asking yourself what can I do? PRAY! Prayer is one of the most underutilized encouragements. We NEED prayers desperately!! We fail every day in trying to parent and love our boys. Pray for godly wisdom and strength. Secondly, we as Christians need to find a way to reach out to foster and adoptive parents around us. There are so many children who need loving homes in our world today and we see ads and commercials every single day with the pull for parents to step forward for these children. And it's a great calling...but the calling doesn't stop after the children are placed in a new home. The call goes beyond that! What happens when these parents are now experiencing caregiver fatigue or when they feel isolated in their particular struggles?? Find ways to reach out to those around you without judging or feeling the need to give parental advice at every turn. Love them and if you ask how things are going, be prepared to listen to the ugly without feeling you need to impart you're own wisdom. Sometimes a genuine hug can go a long way. We need to learn to put judgments aside as parents and learn to embrace one another as parents equally. We don't share the same struggles and we don't all parent the same way, but our level of caring shouldn't become different because we disagree on how to parent. Here's my challenge: find someone to encourage this week who may be struggling beyond something you can understand. You have no idea the impact you may have on their world, as well as your own.
Finally, to those, both family and friends, who don't walk this journey, who aren't in the trenches, and haven't parented a child with trauma like our boys, but yet have stayed by our side, journeyed the path, and continue to love us for who we are, despite our flaws...may God richly and immensely bless you!! Your love, encouragement, and faithfulness to us has gotten us through some of the roughest days!! You continue to listen and allow us to cry on your shoulder and hear the same boring saga day in and day out and yet continue to have a desire to be our friends and find ways to encourage us through it. You have welcomed our boys with open arms and hearts. You cannot imagine how just being there, validating our pain and our heartaches, has kept our heads above water some days. To the many who have graciously watched the boys just to give us a break and a chance to breathe...our heartfelt, sincere thank you!! To those who have met with us and shared your own journey in loving children who aren't biologically yours...there is such a comfort and peace in knowing you're NOT alone! To those that cover us in prayer and remain our unseen angels...our hearts remain eternally grateful (and KEEP THEM COMING!!)!
We just celebrated our 12 year anniversary and the Lord had certainly written a particular, special plan for us...one we never imagined would involve parenting our little guys. In these past 12 years we've experienced some amazing highs and some immensely difficult lows. No matter the plan God has written for us we are learning to embrace and love 3 lovable, amazing boys whose love for superhero's is infusing itself into our lives!
Open your heart to God's imperfect plan in your own life and embrace the superhero within...you never know the endless possibilities and heights He has in store for you!
Because even Superman was adopted!
