26.2...NOT a Bible verse!

Team Brown was at it again today!  Jamie and I got to follow along with Mrs Tate and Elli as we chased Mr Tate along his marathon course.  

Go Daddy Go!! Kristen and I spent most of the afternoon on Tuesday making t-shirts to support Mr Tate.  Had it not been for the "genius" who couldn't use the darn iron we may have been done before supper time.  But regardless we were quite proud of our creations.

Little Miss Pigtails

Man down!  Poor Elli needed a little breather before moving on to the next cheer point.

My friend Taryn was also running the race today and I was excited to cheer her on as well!!  GO Taryn!!

Elli cheered from quite a few locations...the ditches along the road, inside the van, on top of Uncle Jamie's shoudlers...she was a hopping little cheer bunny today...especially when Daddy came on through.

She was still cheering/hopping even as he ran on...gotta love the girl's enthusiasm!

Ben got support even on the phone.  He got to say a quick hello to his boss and close friend, Kasey.  

We followed this guy throughout the course and he became our lookout for Ben, knowing Ben wasn't too far behind this guy and his furry friend.

Here he comes!!!  So excited and relieved to have finished his 5th full marathon before his 30th birthday which happens to be this week.

Taryn made it despite not feeling totally prepared to run.  She told me she was planning to back out until the bombings happened at the Boston Marathon.  She decided she would still run in support of those from Boston.  It's amazing to see how many people come together to cheer and support many they don't know and encourage them in their dedication in sticking with the course...a course that was 26.3 miles, NOT 26.2!  So proud of the runners I knew today and their hard work in making it across that finish line!  Congrats, Ben and Taryn!!

For those curious, the saying on the t-shirt came from a blonde moment I had while shooting a wedding with Ben.  I questioned what the 26.2 sticker meant on the back of his car and wondered what Bible verse it was.  He started laughing and informed me it wasn't a Bible verse but the miles in a full marathon.  We still laugh about that.

I'd also like to mention how proud I am of Kristen.  She got accepted into a doctorate of nursing program for this Fall.  Congrats to Ben on achieving his goal of 5 before 30 and on Kristen for reaching high!!  So proud of you both!

Mr Tate Runs a Race

"Mr Colors"

I was asked recently if I wanted to come and help cheer on our good buddy, Ben, as he ran his 4th marathon on a quest to run 5 full marathons before he turns 30.  What a beautiful day for a marathon!!  As a returning cheer-meister for Team Brown I had been looking forward to this Saturday all week.  Unfortunately Jamie had to work to the disappointment of poor Elli.  Our morning began bright and early. (I wouldn't get up early for just anyone, just so ya know, Tate's :))  I don't believe Elli was quite awake at the beginning of the race but let me tell you it didn't take long to her cheer on!  I think she was her daddy's biggest fan and probably the only one that could have been able to make him break stride throughout the run.

As Team Brown we are required to station ourselves at different points throughout the course to cheer on our runner...high fives are also important and along with her hugs, Elli had plenty of high fives to go around.  Getting some extra support from Mrs Tate as she ran along beside him for a short...VERY short...leg of the run was also important in keeping moral going to complete the marathon.

A short pause for some daddy/daughter love...the smile on Elli's face says it all!

 We had plenty of time to drive to different parts of the course to keep Team Brown moving along to the finish line.  Time for smiles with Mommy and photos of poor teams who seemed to have a touch of dyslexia (thankfully a kind soul told them their letters were mixed up)...

...and we had time to do some sttrrreeetttcchheesss that Daddy taught Elli.....

And before we knew it the red hat, orange shirt, neon shorts, and blue leggings came into view.

Elli was sooo excited..."Go Daddy Go!!"

 And finally the end is in sight!!!  "Yay, Daddy!!"

Elli got to finish the race with her daddy and her little hands in the air still cheering him on was absolutely priceless!!  Below she's using her daddy's medal as a stethoscope...guess she wanted to make sure he was okay after running those 26.2 vigorous miles.  Kristen, I guess that's one more thing she gets from you.  ;)  So glad I got to spend the day with the Tate's!!  Can't wait for marathon #5 at the end of the month, and yes Elli, Uncle Jamie will be along to cheer this time.

Worn

I heard this song recently on the Christian station in my car and felt the tears pour from my heart as it spoke to where I am right now.

Worn by Tenth Avenue North

My heart cries out with the words of this song; a broken, bruised heart begging for an answer; a desperate plea to understand God's heart through it all.  I don't have the answers and I don't understand why.  I'm struggling so deeply at present, worn from fighting a battle for which I cannot see the purpose.  My heart feels so heavy with weight of this burden I daily carry while many days I pour myself into caring for many I'd love to trade places with.  Some days the comfort of my bed and the respite from my problems that sleep provides seem like the only solution in dealing with the pain of this journey.

I don't understand and I've shouted 'Why' to God so many times.  He knows my heart, He knows the journey.  He see the bruises and the broken spirit and only He can heal.  He can mend my heart and only He can make something out of the ashes of my life.  I find myself clinging many times to a thread of hope, knowing that God's plans are greater than mine.  I don't understand why the burden of this journey was given to us but I have to keep trusting that He knows.  He knows my heart and has seen that beyond the smile on my face is a heart that is worn and bruised...and I know He's there to help mend and provide rest in the battle.

I ask only one thing, please pray for us.  This journey is a minute-to-minute struggle and I feel my faith constantly tested.  But the outpouring of love and prayers is some days the only thing that allows me to breath through the suffocating pain.  Thank you again to those who have stood by us and continually cheer on the sidelines.  Your love and support is proof that God is ever faithful and present!

His Perfect Timing

It's been quite a while since I've update anything on my blog and it's partly because I feel without pictures my blog tends to get boring and as I haven't been taking many these days I've had a lack of things to blog about.  We've also been extremely busy with our jobs, finally beginning to paint and make this house OUR own, and once again getting back in the swing of fertility treatments.  Life feels like it's been a whirlwind since the New Year!  The beginning of the year started out rather rough for me.  I found myself hung up on beginning another year and trying not to think "maybe this will be my year" for the umpteenth time.  But along with that brought about the anger stage of grief for me again and I found myself feeling such anger towards God.  Sometimes it's difficult not to wonder, why...if God is so powerful and mighty then why can't He change this for me?  He knows my hurts, He knows my deep desires...He formed me, He gave me those desires...so why in all His omnipotence can't He just make this happen for us?  Why do I have to endure the pain of this journey?

No matter how much I've asked this question over the last few years, I know in my heart that God doesn't operate on my timing, on my plans, or unintentionally.  His plans have my best intentions in mind and His timing is truly perfect.  He hasn't maliciously kept me from having children but He has faithfully walked every step of the way with me no matter my attitude.  We are allowed moments of anger, we are in fact human and God doesn't expect perfection, but we cannot allow the anger to become a black hole in our lives and swallow us up.  I cannot allow the anger to cover my heart with blackness...I cannot shut God out simply because things haven't happened on my time.

 Throughout the long period of waiting on God's perfect timing and trying to stay strong in my faith (something I have failed many times!) God has continued to show His true faithfulness despite the heartache.  And I've discovered that through the waiting I've learned many life lessons!  I've discovered that without the struggles and tears life brings I wouldn't have known the value of contentment.  Contentment is often found when we put aside our pride, lay down our worries, and truly allow God's work to be done through you.  Would we know contentment if life was truly perfect for us?  The storms aren't always fun to weather but how would we understand His true love and devotion to us without the need to depend on Him?  I've discovered that being happy and being joyful are two very different emotions.  "Consider it pure joy my brothers..." has a whole new meaning when you consider that joy and happiness don't mean the same thing.  I can be joyful without cracking a smile and throwing a celebration...not that being happy requires streamers and balloons.  Being joyful simply means finding good amidst the ugly, I can still bring glory to God despite feeling a deep sense of grief and pain.  Lastly, I've discovered that God in His perfect timing has always provided for every one of my needs.  I can honestly look back over the last year and although it was a tough one, I can still see God's beautiful hands among the rubble and brokenness.  God has used so many people to physically show me He has never left my side!  And this is what I share with you today.  Those acts of God have come in the form of texts at just the moment I needed them, through a plaque a dear friend gave me...

the angel of wishes, a sweet reminder that hope remains, from another dear friend...

I've seen it through my "therapy sessions" with my hairdresser...

in the little girl with blonde pigtails who calls me Aunt Jess...

through last minute lunch dates to Olive Garden or late night Denny's runs...

sent in a card full of encouragement and words of comfort...

with hand hugs :)...

in moments of pure laughter and joy in the kitchen with my husband and feeling the richness in the true gift he is to me...

and I've felt it through the arms of a mom who knows that words aren't always the solution.

I've seen God in these faces

God is ALL around me!!  He has been there when I've received the call that "unfortunately the pregnancy test was negative".  He's been there when my deepest fear of finding a polyp on the next ultrasound has come to life.  He knows my heart, my desires, and my worries.  I can't change the outcome, I can't answer the "why" questions, I can't erase time.  BUT I can praise Him even when life isn't meeting my expectations!  I will still love my God even if His plan doesn't include children for me!  I will NOT allow this to keep me from joyfully praising Him!  I guarantee there will be days I'll be angry and unhappy, I am only human and God does not expect perfection.  His grace is sufficient for me and His love and devotion are ever present!  I can survive this.

I've seen God in so many ways through the love and encouragement sent from many!  To those who have responded to His prompting and perfect timing by sending a text, card, having a last minute lunch date, or simply through a hug, I cannot say thank you enough for following His leading and reaching out!  You've impacted my life in significant ways you'll probably never know, but knowing that so many have selflessly given in such big ways provides amazing strength for the journey.

A friend recently sent me something through Facebook to encourage through this waiting journey and I wanted to share it with you.  The link is posted at the bottom of this post.  If you are struggling with a "wait" issue I pray you too will find these words as encouraging as I found them.  Blessings as you too wait on Him! 

 

Psalm 100:1-3, "Make a joyful noise to the LORD, all the earth! Serve the LORD with gladness! Come into his presence with singing! Know that the LORD, he is God! It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture." (ESV)

http://www.crosswalk.com/devotionals/encouragement/wait-training-101-encouragement-for-today-feb-22-2013.html

Karlie Rae

As we begin the swing back into the normal following the holidays I thought maybe I need to get back into the swing of blogging.  It sure hasn't been a lack of things to blog about but finding the time to blog has been a challenge.  Between work, the holidays, my second surgery, a trip to NYC and just generally filling my calendar too full...well, you get the point.  And now that this little cuddle bug is almost 2 months...yikes!....well, the slacking needs to end!

So here is the one and only, beautiful little, Karlie Rae!!  Our friends, Matt and KK, had little Karlie on November 1 and we couldn't have been happier for them!  They induced KK at exactly 37 weeks due to Karlie's lack of growth...she just simply couldn't wait to meet all of us I guess.  We are so thrilled to add her to our crazy clan and I was especially thrilled that Matt and KK asked me to do Karlie's newborn pictures!  (After spending an entire afternoon taking pictures I think Karlie was happy to see me walking out the door!)

(Love this one!  We caught her smiling in her sleep)

(Love this one too...they're both naturals at this baby thing)

Karlie already has a nickname...no shocker there...they call her Baby Bird. She's always sleeping with her mouth open, just waiting for worms from mama bird.  We absolutely adore little Baby Bird!

Matt and KK, we are so grateful that life has thrown us together and for the strong friendship we've all formed.  God has truly blessed you with a beautiful daughter and we are thankful we get to be a part of her life.  May you continue to feel His blessings as she grows.  We love you guys!!

A Special Dedication

Jamie and I have truly been blessed with the friendship of many throughout the years and especially with our "couple friends" as we refer to them.  When we first got married we had few couples we hung out with and through my work friends and I dragging our husbands out for double dates we've formed many lasting, wonderful friendships over the years.  As you know the "Tate's" have held a special place in our hearts among these friends (and to those other friends in our lives, you know we could never replace you!).  Our Tate dates have become a necessity and we feel honored that they enjoy our time together as much as we do.

Almost 2 years ago now they added sweet Elliana to their family and what a joy this little girl has been!!  We love our time with her...those infectious smiles and the crazy, cute things she says...simply put we just love her!  She has 2 amazing parents who have done a great job parenting and as part of their responsibility made the decision to dedicate her.  Baby dedication is something many Christian churches practice instead of infant Baptism.  It's a ceremony in which believing parents, and sometimes family and friends, make a commitment before the Lord to raise the child in a godly home and submit them to God's will and plan for their life.

This past Mother's Day, I received my first Mother's Day card and the tears poured when I opened it.  Our precious friends had asked if we would be godparents for their Sweet Girl.  What an honor to be trusted with this responsibility!  I carry that card with me in my day planner and it's such a beautiful reminder that again God has provided for us.  No, I don't mean that in a morbid sense...goodness, I sure don't ever want to lose our Tate's, they have become like family to us!  But God saw fit that although now may not be our time to be parents, He has loving provided children in our lives that we can love and hold close.  Children that have a special place in our hearts...that wrap their little arms around us and without knowing provide healing with their little snotty kisses.

The words written couldn't have been easy for our friends to write but what an inspiration that they have put their selves aside and thought ahead to plan for their daughter!  As I said they are amazing parents and have raised a beautiful little girl...inside and out.  So when we received the invitation to join them to dedicate Elliana and stand as their dedication sponsors, I was willing to sell my left kidney to be there!  Thankfully it didn't come to that, but we were grateful we could stand with them and support their family.

To Little Miss Pigtails,

We are so thankful that God blessed your mommy and daddy with your life!  You have a smile that could break the toughest heart and your infectious, sweet spirit brings us such joy.  We cannot wait to see the wonderful things God has in store for your life.  Thank you for the blessing and encouragement you've been to Uncle Jamie and I.  We pray that we may be a spiritual influence in your life and that as you grow we may be the same encouragement in your life as you've been in ours.  We love you very much!!

To our Precious Tate's,

Thank you for the gift of friendship and for welcoming us into your family with open arms!  We have been so encouraged by you both and appreciate the unending love and support you've shown us over the years.  We are thankful we serve a God who meets our needs and we are especially thankful for Him leading us to both of you.  Your dedication to Christ and selfless acts of love haven't gone unnoticed and we so appreciate the role models you are for us.  We love you both!!

Until the next Tate date...speaking of, Carla, we need to get out those planners, Christmas will be here before we know it!!

And we wait...

   This post is by far the toughest for me to write.  As I write the tears pool around the keyboard, my heart heavy with the reality of where we are.  I am going to pull from what little inner strength I have left this evening and once again try and bring God glory in the midst of struggle, but I won't lie and say that is easy.  But as we progress further into our infertility treatment I felt it was time to put it all out there and pray that through my words of honesty some prayer warriors will arise.  We have many who have selflessly continued to pray, encourage, and support and for that we are so grateful!  Again I pray that God may speak through me as I write and that others may find comfort and peace through it.

  As Jamie and I began house hunting this past spring we also decided that it was time to move forward with fertility treatments and so in June we finally went to the fertility clinic to get the ball rolling.  Anyone who knows anything about fertility treatments knows that nothing happens quickly so it was the end of the summer until we were actually at a point where we were ready to begin our first cycle.  We went into the first cycle with high hopes and excitement that we were FINALLY moving forward.  After a L-O-N-G month of waiting, testing, insemination, waiting, testing, and more waiting God said "no" that time.  It was a difficult process for us because literally 12 hours before we were supposed to take "the test" I got my period.  Every day without my period got us one step closer to a dream we have so desperately hoped for.  It was a tough pill to swallow and the thought of moving ahead with who knew how many more cycles made me age a few years.  But knowing that this is our only option propelled us forward once again and we started with round 2.  More clomid, more testing, more waiting and then we got news we weren't anticipating.  We were a day away from possible insemination again, I had a follicle ready to go and we were told that they found polyps in my uterus.

  Once again the wind was taken out of our sails.  Although they aren't like the polyps that are found in your intestines, we were told they could act like an IUD and prevent a pregnancy from taking as well as increase the chances for miscarriage.  Simply put, they needed to come out before we could proceed with further treatments.  So last week I had a D&C to remove the polyps.  All went well with the surgery beyond the fact that I DO NOT do well on the other side of things.  Being a patient versus being a nurse is NOT something I relish...although I know few do.  Sometimes knowing it all is NOT helpful.  Regardless, I survived and, thanks to my wonderful husband, received excellent care post-op.  Thankful to have that behind me and although not looking forward to waiting yet another month to begin again with our cycles, we were ready to move forward.

  Today I received a phone call from my fertility doctor.  The pathology report came back with atypical cells which can indicate cancer sometimes.  Although these atypical cells may have come from the polyps if they were fast-growing and rapidly changing, which would explain the atypical part, they couldn't definitively rule out cancer.  So the plan...the only option we have at this point...is to repeat the D&C in a month and get a better idea of the cells inside.  This means once again putting our fertility treatments on hold until after the New Year.

  Needless to say Jamie and I are both at a low point.  The first time we received the news of the polyps was difficult knowing that we had finally, after 7 long years, gotten to a point where we could move forward.  The news today was devastating.  We feel as though we just keep getting kicked when we're already down.  I realize to some this may seem like a simple problem and easily fixed and yes, our hope is that surgery will "fix" this for us and we can move on from there.  But even if that's the solution to this problem and there is nothing else wrong it still means more time...time spent yearning, hoping...trying to believe that God can work a miracle in our lives.

   I firmly believe that God has a perfect plan for our lives and although right now I don't understand why or fully appreciate the bumpy road, I can find a small window of hope in the blessings.  We are richly blessed with family and friends who have carried us through this.  I am so wonderfully blessed with Jamie, my true soulmate and rock...an absolute gift from God!  We have been blessed by the outpouring of prayer from so many...we have deeply felt the impact of prayer.  And we are blessed by a Father who doesn't always shield us from the negatives life may bring us, but has ALWAYS promised to walk with us every step of the way.  He IS my Strength, my Comforter, and my Rock...the ultimate Healer!!

  I don't know the plans God has for my life and beyond getting through today, I have no idea how He will see us through this.  The next few weeks are not going to be easy for us and the very thought of waiting some more is crippling.  I do know that believing and trusting in God is going to be a minute to minute decision for me and I know that no matter the outcome God WILL provide for our needs.

   Again thank you to all who lift us up in prayer and encourage daily!!  We only ask one thing...please pray for us in the weeks to come!

  I took this picture of Jamie the day we had our first insemination and I took it knowing full well that no matter what happened I was going to praise God, whether we got a baby or not.  Today we lift our hands up to One who makes ALL things possible.

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him and I am helped; therefore my heart exults, and with my song I shall thank Him."   ~Psalm 28:7