Summer Days

Summer has officially arrived in our home and we enjoyed the milder temps and blue skies we got last week and spent a considerable amount of time enjoying the outdoors.  I've been kind of dreading summer as all the kids are home and that often means breaking up more fights and dealing with an added amount of drama from my oldest.  Each year I'm learning the ins and outs in living with attachment disorder and what that looks like for all of us.  I'm learning what the triggers are, the humility in knowing we need to ask and accept help, and that healing (while it's slow progress) CAN happen with the right kind of therapy.  If I could shout this from the rooftops and give other RAD mamas a glimmer of hope with this I would...we have been utterly blessed beyond measure with our horse therapy team and this God-breathed blessing is right in our back yard and so worth EVERY penny we pay!!  After spending 2 years feeling like this was a hopeless situation, we moved into a new approach with therapy.  For those who may be struggling with an attachment child, I highly recommend Daniel Hughes method of approach.  We began DDP (dyadic developmental psychotherapy) therapy with our horse therapists around the beginning of the year and initially it was something just Jamie and I attended while our eldest was doing neuro-optimal therapy.  We've basically been learning a PACE (playful, accepting, curious, empathic) method of parenting.  It has broadened our horizons on the empathetic scale and given us a better understanding as to why we've been experiencing some of the behaviors we have and giving us tools to use to better accept and connect with him while learning the 'why' behind it all.  About 2 months ago, Carter also started sitting in on our sessions, so it's kind of a whole family session (the other 2 are in the room and often we find them just sitting, listening and watching us).

A year ago I don't know that I would have been able to mentally and emotionally sit and talk with him in this type of setting.  Being a RAD mom is so hard on so many levels.  You feel so sad initially and truly think that love will fix their problems and when the realization hits home that love won't fix it, you feel guilty and stupid for not figuring it out and being able to fix the problems.  Then you move from guilt to resentment because no matter how hard you try and how many new methods and things you try, we live over and over again the same mistakes/behaviors and you don't understand how they can't seem to have a sense of motivation and as mom you get tired of it always being directed at YOU and you simply feel like connecting with this kid is impossible.  It's beyond exhausting trying to figure out the next move and how to respond, because some responses could completely send him into a tailspin...sometimes the more we've loved, the worse the behaviors become.  We are more than familiar with the ups and downs (mostly downs) that go hand in hand in living with attachment disorder and we've begun to realize that while this isn't normal it is OUR normal.  But along with that comes the brokenness in feeling like you are utterly failing in trying to be mom and make a meaningful connection.  You lose hope, a desire to want to connect, and feel guilty because of these feelings...all completely natural feelings, and by the end of most days you are broken.

And this is where I know without a shadow of a doubt that I was meant to be this boy's mother!  God made me that stubborn middle child who became bound and determined that if you gave me a challenge... I'd show you!!  Some days I am depressed knowing that God had this planned all along because being his mom and trying to form any kind of attachment is such a daily, moment to moment, struggle!  God you have called me to love the unloveable but how much can one human mom possibly take??  And then from above a voice quietly reminds me that ANYTHING is possible with Him and I'm reminded that He formed this child in his mother's womb and that God's plans are perfect and beyond anything I could imagine...I just need to lean on Him and have faith that through it all He WILL provide.  The truth that attaching to this child will go beyond anything humanly possible and that I cannot, nor am I expected, to do this alone.

From this realization and in learning to parent from a place of empathy and acceptance are born moments of true joy and from these a connection and a bond slowly begins to form.  These are the moments when I've taught my 8 year old son how to hug because he was simply never taught...and boy, can this guy hug...I mean REALLY hug!!!  I can proudly say "I taught him that!!!"  (And that came from a moment of brokenness after he had pooped himself.)  These are the moments when I've danced with my 9 year old son in the living room after filling him with words of affirmation and watching his little face beam from ear to ear because his world is simply based off of shame and guilt and most of the time he doesn't believe these things about himself.  These are the moments when Jamie and I have sat by his bed as "Batman and Batgirl" and "put out our protective force field" so that we could provide an open and safe place for him to try and place his burden of pain and to open up to us so we can show him that parental love can be trusted.

THESE are the moments when a hope I thought long gone, burns brighter than ever in our lives.  These are the moments when I'm forever grateful that God gifted me the amazing man and partner I get to DDP alongside.  This incredible man not only is a shining male role model for our sons, but he has stepped up to every challenge right along with me and willingly does what he needs to try and connect with our sons as well.  He sits next to me and our son in horse therapy and participates and makes me so beyond proud that THIS man is MINE!!  He DDP's on the days I'm not home with them and asks our son what he can do to help him achieve him goals.  He gives me the strength on days when I feel I can't DDP any more and to continue on and never makes me feel like less of a person on the days I stumble.

And boy do I stumble!!  This isn't a blog on perfection and let me tell you, I've been less than stellar at DDP and accepting lately.  I've been resentful and angry about our situation.  This simply isn't fair!!  I'm paying for sins I didn't commit and simply because my name is Mom.  But then that voice gently tells me, "I built you for this" and I'm again reminded that our Creator, the Master of our universe has such a unique and special plan for all of us in this.  I'm reminded that Carter didn't ask for the things that happened to him either and that God loves him and created him with a special and unique purpose, and as much as he may drive me crazy some days, God built him for this journey as well.  He built him to survive and that's an incredible gift I hope we can build on.  I read this quote recently and it's been life-changing for me and brings me back to that determined middle child God created in me...

"Every child deserves a champion:

an adult who will never give up on them,

who understands the power of connection and insists 

they become the best they can be."

~Rita Pierson~

What a truly powerful statement and it really makes me wonder how many kids lives would be changed if adults were able to apply this more to the kids lives around us.  It also makes me so grateful for the wonderful childhood I had and for the parents I was gifted who were the champions in my life!  Their belief in me impacted me in so many positive ways.  This truly challenges me as a mom for all 3 of my boys.  How can I show my children that they are each special, unique, amazing, capable individuals?  What are ways I can build them up, rather than tear them down?  As parents it's our job to teach our children right from wrong, but we are also lead to show them what forgiveness, compassion, empowerment, and affirmation means.  In order to build a foundation that's going to weather the storms that come through their lives we need to teach them confidence in who they are and that they are truly capable...we need to teach them to believe in themselves!  We have been talking a lot about these words and other words like this lately and really diving into the meaning of words.  But I think in order for our children to truly grasp this concept they need to see it modeled.

I'm so truly thankful for the blessing of our horse therapists and for the nonjudgmental, gentle ways they've encouraged, supported, and driven us in parenting our wonderful, unique son and for the ways we've been able to make progress and for the ways we've seen the bonds of attachment begin to form.  God was so in this and I'm so grateful that He brought these 3 treasures into our lives and that we've been given the unique blessing in calling them OUR sons!!  They have changed our world in so many ways and I'll forever be grateful that these 3 became mine.

Lastly, we have turned a new corner in our world and this fall all 3 of my boys will be in school.  While I know I will enjoy the time to myself again, I won't lie, I'm going to miss this little guy and his chatty banter added in my day.  God has gifted me with 3 VERY unique boys.  My middle is ever the deep thinker, exuding confidence, and he may just be a bit stronger-willed than his mommy. (I know...who knew THAT was possible??)  He can be the most well-behaved and compassionate one minute and then turn into a monster the next.  He wears his emotions on his sleeve.  I think he and I will butt heads but simply because we have the most in common and our quick to react attitudes may clash at times.  He has leader potential written all over and I love that about him!  He gave us a run for our money with kindergarten this past year but we all learned so much through the process and I'm learning that I need to approach him with a much different way of parenting than my other 2.

He got so excited when their bus came up the street and always looked forward to meeting 

them right off the bus and hearing all about their day...I love this little guy's zest for life and love for others!

And then there's my baby who assures me he'll stay my baby forever!  I never thought I'd be "that mom" who got emotional about my kids going off to school...I AM.  This school year felt like it flew by and that just yesterday we were starting the year just he and I...and now we've reached the end.  I will miss the days I had with him undertow, constantly chattering away, asking "mommy can you just read to me?" and "mommy can we play games?"...he asked me to read to him one time recently and I said, "I can't right now buddy" and he promptly asked, "Well can you after right now?"  Oh how I'm going to miss these moments!!!!  I'll miss his lovable little self that calls from the other room while playing, "Mommy I like you and I love you so so much!", his amazing help with chores around the house, and the ways his smart little brain picks up on things.  I no longer have any toddlers at home.  I'll miss the days when my boys no longer want me to read to them or when they rest their heads on my shoulders as I do.  The days when they ask for snuggles or in their little voices want to know if they can help me with anything.  Everyone tells you that they are only small for a short time and you don't really believe it until reality smacks you in the head and you come to grips with the realization that they truly won't be little forever.  My mommy heart cries in wanting some of that time back but we will look forward to what's ahead and the amazing plans God has for these little boys...the 3 little brown boys who came into our world and changed us for the better.  To my sons...THANK YOU for making me a mommy!

  

"You didn't grow under my heart but in it" 

GOTCHA Day

a child BORN to another woman

calls me MOMMY.

the MAGNITUDE of that

tragedy & the depth

of that PRIVILEGE are

not lost on me.

                                        ~Jody Landers

We would like to formally introduce you to OUR boys!

This has been, to say the least, quite the year for us.  A year of learning, growing, changing, accepting, and the best part...

ADOPTION!

After some intense waiting for several months in not knowing what our future would hold, we got the phone call that we  FINALLY had our gotcha date.  Oh the excitement that poured from our home this last month!!  Our poor boys couldn't understand the concept of time and that we had exactly 30 sleeps until our actual day.  So we all made calendars the same day we got the phone call so the boys could tear off the date for each day until adoption day to reveal how many "sleeps" we had left.  It was a fun little activity and just added to their level of excitement.  (We count everything in sleeps around here, it's a concept they can grasp)

AND FINALLY our day arrived!!

Our day came as any normal day would for everyone else, but for me this day brought about more emotions than I've ever experienced at one time.  I was filled with excitement, nerves, worry, fear, joy...you name it, I probably felt it.  I thought about my boys birth mom and grieved a little at her own loss in this but also felt so blessed and grateful for the gift of life she in turn had given to us.  God breathed life into their bodies but she carried each of them, she was there the minute that breath became reality, she holds a piece of them I never will.  But on this day, I was given a gift she'll never experience, I received the greatest reward...it didn't come with a pregnant belly, a gender reveal, decorating a nursery, or having that moment in a delivery room...but it was no less celebrated, wanted, or appreciated.  On that day, I officially became a mom, and what a feeling that is.  Yes, I've been their mom for almost 2 years now, but the gravity of the moment and the feelings of belonging and completeness did not seem to be lost on any of us, boys included!

The outpouring of love and support was so evident on that day and we felt so blessed to have some of our closest family and friends present with us.  We have been so very blessed in the last few years as we began this journey and walked each milestone with such amazing support!  God did not let us down and even in the darkest days, He continued to provide and often times that came in the form of encouragement and love from our dear family and friends.  THANK YOU!  We didn't walk this road alone!

Following our ceremony in the courthouse and feeling the HUGE weight lifted off our shoulders, the celebrating began!!!  I can honestly say that our day far exceeded what any of us expected and at the end of the day, it was simply put, a perfect day.  We soaked up every beautiful moment and enjoyed the pure joy it brought with it.

We had decided we wanted to take the boys to build-a-bear so they could get something special for their day.  Something they could have that would always bring a good memory with it.  It is the ONE time we said, "Get WHATEVER you want!"  It's such a fun memory and something we all enjoyed doing together as a family.

Sooo many choices!!

Our day ended with a celebration with just family.  My brothers and their families (except for 2 of my nieces) were unable to be at our adoption ceremony so we all met for dinner that evening and what a grand celebration it was!!  I love that our family has welcomed our boys with open arms and from the moment they were in our home, accepted them as family.  There was never any hesitation, only love!  (And with the 2 below, a WHOLE LOT of TROUBLE!)

My younger brother surprised us and showed up to dinner wearing this shirt...a shirt he did freehand and quickly before they dashed out the door to meet us.  Our day was full of so many of these wonderful little "love nuggets" and it just added to the wonderful day we had!

This was OUR day!  It wasn't a grand holiday and for most it quietly came and went.  For us it was so much more.  It was a day when a dream became reality.  When 3 little hearts became entwined with our own.  In my wildest dreams I never imagined that this was how parenthood would come to us but looking back I appreciate it so much more now for the struggles, heartache, and grief that God allowed us to journey through.  It's within the struggles that we often times find our greatest joys and our deepest appreciations.  We come to realize that without it, we wouldn't build character and without character then who are we?  This road brought more character and courage than we ever thought we'd be able to handle but on this side of 2 years, I'm grateful that God chose us...that He chose THEM...because together we make one awesome family of superheroes!

To the unsung heroes who stood behind us through every facet of this adventure...we pray that God provides a chance to hang up your cape and rest and that He will richly and abundantly bless your extraordinary lives!

"He gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother.  Praise the LORD!"

Psalm 113:9

Superman

*Disclaimer: This post is not meant to offend anyone or point fingers at anyone but to sincerely share how things are going in our world and give a little perspective into how foster parenting has been for us in the last year.  It is the raw...the real...even the ugly, us.

It has been quite some time since I've written about our journey and it's mostly been from the lack of time to actually sit down and complete any one task at a time and partly due to fear.  I feared the judgment that may come in sharing the deep, dark truths in our journey and I worried constantly that the anxiety and panic that ensues when that does happen will once again envelop me and that maybe I won't recover from it this time around.  But you know, as Christians we are called to follow God even through the darkest valleys and even when it feels like the world is against us, that HE is FOR US.  I've come to a point where I'm losing the desire to care what others think of us because in the grand scheme of things, unless you've walked this road and battled this journey, you have NO idea what you'd do in our shoes.  So here it is!

WOW, I have learned so much in the last year!!  In many ways the boys have changed me far more than I'll ever change them!  I think the biggest thing I've learned is purpose.  I've come to the humbling, broken realization that I was meant to be their mom.  There's a line from a song my boys and I love to sing and it says,

From my mother's womb

You have chosen me

Love has called my name

I've been born again

Into your family

Your blood flows through my veins

(No Longer Slaves ~ Bethel Music)

I love those words for more than just the meaning they have for me, a child of God, but for the deep meaning they have for our situation with the boys.  From the moment my precious boys were conceived, God had a plan for them as well.  We were meant to be a family LONG before we knew one another.  There is such beauty in that!  God's plans for us far exceeded the plans we had for ourselves.

That being said, God's plans often don't come with special instructions and a beautiful floor plan.  It's like putting together a piece of furniture from Ikea except you've got the directions for a slightly different piece in front of you.  There are a few screws loose, the ends don't always match up, and it doesn't blend in the way you had hoped it would.  But despite it's flaws, the more you embrace it, the more you begin to feel like it was perfectly meant for you.  Sometimes you walk past it and feel like it was all wrong and it just doesn't fit and you doubt your choice, but you realize that when you go to remove it, in your heart you know it's right for you.  I often feel like I've been this way with God's plans for my life.  I feel this deep rooted desire to embrace it but when the valleys become deeper and darker, it's sometimes harder to see the light and understand this plan He has for you.  How can anything good come from something so ugly?  Time and time again God used the ugly in someone's life to bring about glory and honor to His name.  So why can't God use my own ugly?  And with that being said, here comes the ugly part.

We've gotten much advice from many parents on how to parent throughout our journey and we greatly appreciate the love and encouragement from so many.  Yet, many days we struggled, continuing to feel lost and alone.  It wasn't due to lack of support or caring from so many, but due to feeling lost in a world in between again.  Throughout our infertility journey we struggled feeling like we were stuck in that lonely little circle being the couple among all of our friends who didn't have children and couldn't relate or share as we had no idea how to.  And now that we finally get to be parents, we still feel like we're stuck in that lonely little circle.  We thought we'd finally get out of our lonely-not-parents group and the suddenly we are faced with the bitter reality that while we are now parents, it still has it's own stigma and we remain in our own little circle due to this thing called early childhood trauma.  It's ugly and I hate it!!  It envelops the years in my boys lives that I wasn't a part of and involves events that happened that I'll never know about.  This is the part of parenting that isn't normal.  OK, OK, what is normal??  There is no normal in parenting, but if there was we would be, most definitely, removed from anything close to resembling it.

You see the ugly part of this and the part that few want to hear is that we went into this situation thinking, oh blindly thinking, that love would solve their problems, cure their trauma, and make their world better.  Instead we've been left with the sad, bitter reality that loving them doesn't make it better or even change things.  That despite loving, your child will do anything in his power to rebel against that.  That despite loving, your son will poop his pants just to show you he is in control.  Despite loving, he'll ruin something just to see how upset he can make you.  Despite loving, he will chose not to do any work in school even though he knows how, just for the extra attention he gets from a teacher.  It sounds harsh, it sounds illogical, it sounds absurd...it's our daily reality.  It's all about controlling and that means that from the moment they entered our home, the fight for control had begun.  There is manipulation, lying, triangulation, destroying things, stealing, poor behavior, etc...on a daily basis in my home.  You may be saying, "well my child does that too."  And you're right, many biological children do these things.  The difference is that most children have a cause and effect and normal discipline and punishment will often work for many children.  Put them in a time out and then discuss it and the child will feel remorse.  The difference is that my son could be in a time out all day and he may say he's sorry and say all the right things and turn around and do that very thing the minute you turn around and simply for the reaction, yes even the negative, that he'll get from it.  It's a daily battle and struggle asking ourselves as parents, 'how should we respond to this...do we even respond to this?  Or are we reacting in just the way he wanted when he chose to behave poorly?'  We are many days mentally exhausted from battling the "games" we have to play.  We've made so many mistakes in the last year and looking back sometimes I just shake my head at how naive we were.  We've tapped out our creativity in trying to find ways to connect.  And just when you feel you've connected and there is some improvement, next week you'll find you're back to square one and you need to come up with something else that connects.  My positive affirmation tank has been bone dry for months.  Yet despite that, they need to hear it, feel it, and see it from us.  But how??  (There is so much more on this subject, I could probably fill a book on it, but maybe I'll write more about this another day.)

Despite all of this, we are called to love and we were called to be their parents!  And we have learned so much about ourselves!  We've learned that there is NO amount of preparation or classes that could have ever prepared us to parent children with trauma.  You learn that the world of psychology can be hugely frustrating as a foster parent.  You learn that to do anything in the realm of making appointments and getting your child seen by any kind of professional takes hurdles and leaps you feel inadequately prepared for.  You learn that your life is completely vulnerable to anyone working on your "case".  You learn to hope for a good case worker from the start, one who will listen, support, and guide you through the roller coaster of life every 2 weeks.  And that roller coaster (which I hate with a passion, I don't even like the Trailblazer at Hershey Park...gag a maggot!) flies at speeds and over turns you think will inevitably derail your life.  You feel life is a constant balancing act, just waiting to tip one way or the other.  And yet through it all, we've had one constant.  Through the moments of doubt and moments you loose the desire to continue to do this and be THEIR parents, God has been there.  Through the deepest trenches and darkest days, God has found ways to remind us that He will always be a constant and that He has an incredible plan for our family.  We've found friends who have walked the foster/adoption journey and have lived to share their story and encourage us through our unique struggles.

I grew up with the motto "embrace the challenge" grilled into me and I could not be more grateful for that influence as we walk the challenges of parenting our boys.  I'm learning that I need to be my boys advocates (and a fiercer one they'll never find!).  I've spent months feeling isolated and alone in my struggles.  And after countless hours of research, I've found hope in knowing I'm most definitely NOT!   Through that research I've found other moms who have been faced with similar circumstances and children that don't "fit the mold".  Through it all I've found immeasurable peace in knowing there are others who have walked this road and took the courage to share their struggles.  And now another challenge has been set into motion.  What can I do to encourage those around me who may be facing a similar journey??

God never uses anyone greatly

until he tests them deeply

~A.W. Tozer

If there is any chance my words are connecting with another foster or adoptive mom, then I hope you hear these words.  Don't give up!!  Don't let the challenges you face make you drown in the discouragement of it.  Rise to the challenge in loving the unloveable.  Parenthood may not have come to you in the ways you hoped or expected.  This journey may not be what you had hoped and dreamed it would be, but God can and will use you through it.  And when the reality in realizing that just loving them isn't the answer, stay strong, hold your ground, and find peace in knowing that God has carved out this imperfect, beautiful plan for your life and for theirs.  Rejoice in the small victories we gain and allow yourself to find peace in God's grace and mercy when that small victory becomes overshadowed with another heartache.

If you're reading this and you haven't fostered or adopted but you're asking yourself what can I do?  PRAY!  Prayer is one of the most underutilized encouragements.  We NEED prayers desperately!!  We fail every day in trying to parent and love our boys.  Pray for godly wisdom and strength.  Secondly, we as Christians need to find a way to reach out to foster and adoptive parents around us.  There are so many children who need loving homes in our world today and we see ads and commercials every single day with the pull for parents to step forward for these children.  And it's a great calling...but the calling doesn't stop after the children are placed in a new home.  The call goes beyond that!  What happens when these parents are now experiencing caregiver fatigue or when they feel isolated in their particular struggles??  Find ways to reach out to those around you without judging or feeling the need to give parental advice at every turn.  Love them and if you ask how things are going, be prepared to listen to the ugly without feeling you need to impart you're own wisdom.  Sometimes a genuine hug can go a long way.  We need to learn to put judgments aside as parents and learn to embrace one another as parents equally.  We don't share the same struggles and we don't all parent the same way, but our level of caring shouldn't become different because we disagree on how to parent.  Here's my challenge: find someone to encourage this week who may be struggling beyond something you can understand.  You have no idea the impact you may have on their world, as well as your own.

Finally, to those, both family and friends, who don't walk this journey, who aren't in the trenches, and haven't parented a child with trauma like our boys, but yet have stayed by our side, journeyed the path, and continue to love us for who we are, despite our flaws...may God richly and immensely bless you!!  Your love, encouragement, and faithfulness to us has gotten us through some of the roughest days!!  You continue to listen and allow us to cry on your shoulder and hear the same boring saga day in and day out and yet continue to have a desire to be our friends and find ways to encourage us through it.  You have welcomed our boys with open arms and hearts.  You cannot imagine how just being there, validating our pain and our heartaches, has kept our heads above water some days.  To the many who have graciously watched the boys just to give us a break and a chance to breathe...our heartfelt, sincere thank you!!  To those who have met with us and shared your own journey in loving children who aren't biologically yours...there is such a comfort and peace in knowing you're NOT alone!  To those that cover us in prayer and remain our unseen angels...our hearts remain eternally grateful (and KEEP THEM COMING!!)!

We just celebrated our 12 year anniversary and the Lord had certainly written a particular, special plan for us...one we never imagined would involve parenting our little guys.  In these past 12 years we've experienced some amazing highs and some immensely difficult lows.  No matter the plan God has written for us we are learning to embrace and love 3 lovable, amazing boys whose love for superhero's is infusing itself into our lives!

Open your heart to God's imperfect plan in your own life and embrace the superhero within...you never know the endless possibilities and heights He has in store for you!

Because even Superman was adopted!

Refining Fire

I've struggled many times in wanting to start writing this post and then feeling inadequate to do so.  Yes, I've been quiet here lately but life for us has been anything but quiet.  We have all been settling in here and adjusting to life as a family.  It hasn't been easy...in fact the hardest thing thus far that we've done...but we are all surviving and have had some really amazing moments together and all around we're all getting excited for the adoption process to begin so we can truly feel like a family.  God has used this whole situation to bring me to a deeper, more rooted relationship with Him and learn that I need to daily lean on Him and trust His magnificent plan for our lives.

A drawing from my oldest for me...huge in our world, as love wasn't something he spoke initially. :)

In happy, fun news, Jamie and I got to go to Washington D.C. for Valentine's Day (our Christmas gift from his wonderful boss!) and we had a simply wonderful time away together!!  My parents kept the boys and were wonderful in giving us this weekend to ourselves.  It definitely gave them a better appreciation for the some of the struggles we face in the baggage that comes with our boys and for that we're grateful for some understanding.  Everyone had a grand weekend all around.  The boys got to spend some much needed time with Grammy and Happy (for some reason my middle calls Pappy this sometimes...he also refers to the butchershop as the wutchershop...totally cute).  They couldn't wait for their sleepover and neither could Jamie and I.  It was the first real break we've had since we got them back in October and it was time!  Although the temperatures were more like Montana in the winter than East coast winter, we had a fabulous time walking ALL over D.C.!!  Foot and hand warmers were on the top of our favorite list that weekend along with comfortable shoes...style took a backseat to staying warm and keeping my feet from blistering, but we had sooo much fun just enjoying one another's company!  Oh how I love that man!!!

We we have had some amazing, positive moments in the past few months and the love for them continues to bloom and grow.  We've also experienced some major moments of brokenness and heartache.  We knew this journey wouldn't be without it's battles and struggles but nothing can ever truly prepare you for just how real it becomes.  I've experienced anxiety and fear in a whole new light.  I've come face to face with the enemy and I can say with utmost certainly that without God I would not have survived any of it.  When you are brought to your absolute lowest point and completely ripped apart and you're left with the rawest form of yourself, that's when God can do some of the His greatest work.  I had been brought to this moment in my life and left bleeding and scarred, but a shell of the self I once knew, struggling to find some piece of the person I once knew and grabbing at anything that brought about a sense of peace and self -worth.  We learned that spiritual warfare isn't something that happens elsewhere, it was brought right to our own doorstep.  We're not naive to spiritual warfare nor did we feel immune to it prior to this, but I don't recall a time when I felt it quite this strongly.  The devil was looking for a foothold and he almost succeeded at gaining one.

It was in these moments of paralyzing fear, uncertainty, and brokenness that I crawled to God, praying with every fiber of my being that He would heal the wounds that had begun to cripple me.  My life felt like this black, gapping hole, with no hope.  It was in one of these moments, one I will never forget, that my amazing husband knew what I needed and took my shaking hand in his and began praying for me.  I began asking my closest friends to pray for us and I opened my Bible and began reading and soaking in His words of love and peace.  My dear friend, Mrs Tate, gave me, Hope for the Weary Mom Devotional, a 40-Day Journey, for Christmas and it quickly became one of my favorite things!  One of my biggest fears in getting a devotional for moms was the fear in feeling like someone else had it all together as a mom and I'd feel judged as I read thru it.  The words within these pages truly ministered to my aching soul and my time spent in devotions each day has quickly become a favorite time of day.  It's MY time and MY time to spend with my Heavenly Father.

I was listening to a song on the radio recently and somehow I seem to do some of my deepest thinking and praying while I'm driving.  It's just me, the road, and my thoughts sometimes.  I had just experienced a true God moment the night before in "hearing" Him loud and clear.  I had seen a post from a friend on FB regarding the same devotional I've been reading and I remembered thinking that I didn't remember reading that particular chapter yet.  Don't you know it, that very evening that was the chapter my bookmark opened to.  It was titled, He is Able, and the verse was Daniel 3:17,

"If you throw is into the blasting furnace, then the God we serve is able to rescue us from a furnace of blazing fire and release us from your power, Your Majesty."

That evening I also decided to just open my Bible and see where God took me.  I literally opened my Bible and the first verse my eyes laid on was the very verse above.  If that isn't a clear message from God, I don't know what is!  God was trying to tell me something and I was thrilled to finally have a moment of true clarity from God...the neon, flashing lights, this is exactly the direction you should take clarity.  He was reminding me that He is there thru the mess for me.  The little point at the end of my devotion that evening was this,

"The fire is a place to refine us and make us like Him."

This got me thinking about scars and refining fire.  And I had this thought, what if God allows us to go thru these moments of fear, brokennes, and being stripped to our rawness so that He can create a masterpiece??  I immediately began thinking of all the wounds and scars I carry inside that no one else sees.  Back to this moment in the car and the song I was listening to, "Diamonds" by Hawk Nelson, talks about refining (OK God, I'm seeing the trend here) and about God making diamonds out of us.  So what if...what if God is allowing those scars happen so that when we only have Him to lean on it's thru those scars and wounds others can see God shining thru the brightest??

What if in those moments of brokenness when we feel all hope is lost and the life we knew now lays in shattered pieces, what if in our weakest we allow the One who created us to put us back together and allow Him to shine thru those cracks?  He knows our beginning...He knows our ending...only He can mend us in a fashion that is truly fitting for our story.  Let the heartbreak and the scars become a true representation of the person that you are and let the One who knows you best and SEES every single scar and broken piece be the One who shines thru you the brightest!  We may not be the same person we were, but then I don't want to be that person any more.  This me knows and understands a little more and this me is much more connected to the God who cancels out all those shadows and crippling darkness in my life.  Instead of looking back and regretting and wishing things hadn't been so difficult, I'd rather look back and see the ways in which God was working, molding, and at times allowing the pain and the brokenness.  Yes, he ALLOWS us pain and suffering sometimes!  He built us for the journey and gave us the greatest hope in the midst of difficulty...Himself!  We need only lay down our fears and self-loathing at His feet and trust that He built us for something incredible!

Let light shine out of the darkness

                                           2 Corinthians 4:6

My Favorite Things

We have almost reached our 6 week mark with the boys and life has changed beyond belief.  I would like to report that things are going just beautifully and that we're just loving our new role but I think any parent would think I was living in a fantasy world if I said so and my husband would probably seriously consider getting my head checked out as that is definitely NOT where we are at right now.  We are in what I call survival mode.  That point in your life when you feel like you're one paddle away from drowning, we can keep bobbing, but don't expect it to always look graceful because graceful isn't on the radar right now...it is simply about

SURVIVING!

So in an attempt to brighten my mood I'm going to share about some of my favorite things.  Things that now that I'm part of the mommy club, I'm sure most can relate with.  One of my most favorite things right now is THIS...

...MY closet!!!

This has quickly become my absolute favorite room in the house!  It is a room all to myself and it just makes me feel calm and happy when I walk into it.  I find my zen in this room, I get dolled up in this room, it smells clean and is has some of my favorite things in it.  Like that ottoman, for example, I love to sit there and put my shoes on.  The vanity, where I can sit quietly in my room with my favorite pandora station and get prettied up or sit with my computer.  Those marathon medals I worked so hard for...at least I got medal for that marathon, ain't no medal for the mommy marathon!  My favorite pair of sparkly heels.  The beautiful jewelry my husband showers me with.  There are so many reasons I love this room!!  It is completely ME!  Yes, I do understand all my ME statements make me sound a little selfish right now and I can honestly say, that is NOT my intention.  This room is simply my "happy" many days when I desperately need to find a measure of joy and happiness.

THE Closet came about this past spring after that horribly wonderful thing called Pinterest.  In looking for a better solution for our tiny, shared closet issues I saw these amazing closets and got the idea that I'd love to turn a room in our house into my own closet...an ENTIRE room!  So we took the room we would have used for a nursery and transformed it.  My husband was completely on board with my idea and has been great about helping me transform it.  (I truly found a diamond in the rough in that man!!!  He's one of a kind!)  I wanted to take my time and come up with the right concept for what I was looking for.  There are SO many ideas out there and directions to go, but I wanted it to look similar to the picture in my head.  Picking colors is always the hardest part for me because I don't enjoy painting so I want to get it done right the first time.   After asking one of my amazing friends what I should do, she suggested I do Tiffany colors and her suggestion was just PERFECT!!  It just fell into place from there and I had a vision in what I wanted.  Nothing like a little Breakfast at Tiffany's to make one happy.  I've so enjoyed finding little pieces here and there to continue to complete the look of my room.  It didn't all come together at one time and it's still not complete, but that's part of the fun.  I recently added the chandelier and it is another one of my favorite parts of this room.  It adds sparkle in all the right places!

So this transformation happened this spring prior to even meeting the boys and my comment has been..."we figured the baby thing wasn't going to happen so let's do with this room what WE want and then God looked down and laughed."  One of the first questions from MANY when they found out about the boys was, "Are you keeping the closet?"  I SURE AM!!!  I NEED a place to go where I can recharge and feel it's my own space.  Every parent needs that!!  So welcome to my space...please don't stand on the ottoman, leave your own shoes at the door, and don't touch!  Ooops sorry, I forgot I wasn't talking to the kids for a second.  

My hubby was great about letting me purchase a closet system for this closet and it's been just grand!  And my New York sign was a great find!  I had my eye on it a few weeks before I actually purchased it, even had it in my cart, and put it back because the price just wasn't right for me.  I figured if I really wanted it, I wouldn't forget it was there and go back if I felt it was right for me.  Well, I just couldn't find something even close to it, so I went back and bought it...on clearance this time!!  Score!!

I wanted to be creative about what I hung on my walls.  I wanted New York, Paris, kind of a fashion theme for the room.  So I took designer bags I had and framed them.  (Again another Pinterest idea)  And with the help of my amazing Mom, they found their way on the wall without me screwing it up completely!

Truer words have never been spoken.  :) 

(My husband disagrees.)

I had this all figured out in my head, it was all about getting the right pieces for my room.  This mirror was kind of a long time coming.  I had been using a long broken mirror for months until I came across the right mirror for the right price.

Jamie has amazing taste in jewelry and I don't get jewelry all the time...please don't think we are rolling in the dough, he's also a great bargain hunter!  The price tag doesn't give it any less meaning.  He gave me this necklace when we got the boys and it's one of my favorites.  The diamond in the middle moves and catches the light.

And there is the man himself!  He is by far one of my favorite things!!  He knows just when I need him most and I've discovered that not only are we soulmates, but we make amazing teammates when it comes to parenting.  He IS my better half and one amazing daddy.

These have also become two of my favorite things!  I am amazed at how much crappier my life has gotten...I mean that in the literal sense.  We have dealt with more poop in the last 6 weeks than I have my entire nursing career and that's saying something!!  I'm weary of the bathroom problems...I'm exhausted from attempting to pull at every straw we have to try and curb some of the behaviors.  We are realizing that it will most definitely get worse before it gets better.  That thought alone makes my insides churn and I find myself rocking in my seat trying to hold onto the little bit of sanity I have left.  This journey IS NOT easy...it IS NOT fun...it HAS NOT been a joy.  This is simply our reality right now.  So therefore, sometimes I calmly (outwardly at least, inside I'm a trembling mess) close the bedroom door to a screaming, out of control child...this is after spending over an hour listening to another sob and yell at me for making him scrub his soiled underwear...and walk to my fridge, find this sweet gem and a corkscrew and enjoy a glass of bubbly happy.  If anything it helps to calm the anxiety so I can at least fall asleep without spending hours tossing and turning because of the guilt in feeling like a horrible parent.

(Disclaimer: no, this does not happen every night, only occasions when necessary!)

Our reality right now is very much nut shelled in the above paragraph.  Things have definitely gotten worse since we first got the boys and while they tell you there will be a honeymoon period, which is definitely NOT anything like a honeymoon, they are right!  This is a place for me to be vulnerable and honest, so I'm gonna lay it out there.  No, I do not enjoy being a mommy right now. I would do just about anything to go a week without having to hear mommy a zillion times in a day.  (Yes, I've tried telling them that mommy isn't here...they've caught on and now ask, "Is Sally here today, mommy?")  I miss my quiet house.  I miss just picking up and going where I wanted to go.  Yes, we do have occasional moments of joy but at present they are few and far between and that is truly not my being pessimistic, this is quite frankly our reality.  We knew it wasn't going to be easy.  We knew we were called to do this.  But no amount of classes or training can ever prepare you for this.  Again, not something we didn't already know.

Many parents get to know their children as they grow from infants into toddlers and then young children.  We didn't have that.  We didn't get their past, we just got the baggage they brought with them.  We are doing the best that we can at this present moment, but we are definitely struggling.  We take one day...one moment at a time.  I watched a video this morning of a dad giving his new infant a bath and my heart bled a little still wondering what that must be like.  We took these boys into our home willingly and want them here, but we moved right into discipline and the love for them is going to take time to fully develop.

We live on the prayers of many right now and so greatly appreciate the overwhelming support from so many!!!  Thank you to those who ask and then sit and listen.  Listening to us as well as getting some validation for where we are right now definitely helps!!!  Many times it's just nice to know someone is listening and truly cares.  We just want to know that we are doing a good job and that we aren't adding to their baggage or making their lives worse.  So thank you for the continued encouragement, shoulder to cry on, and as always the prayers!!!  It goes further than you may think some days!

Blessings!!