GOTCHA Day

a child BORN to another woman

calls me MOMMY.

the MAGNITUDE of that

tragedy & the depth

of that PRIVILEGE are

not lost on me.

                                        ~Jody Landers

We would like to formally introduce you to OUR boys!

This has been, to say the least, quite the year for us.  A year of learning, growing, changing, accepting, and the best part...

ADOPTION!

After some intense waiting for several months in not knowing what our future would hold, we got the phone call that we  FINALLY had our gotcha date.  Oh the excitement that poured from our home this last month!!  Our poor boys couldn't understand the concept of time and that we had exactly 30 sleeps until our actual day.  So we all made calendars the same day we got the phone call so the boys could tear off the date for each day until adoption day to reveal how many "sleeps" we had left.  It was a fun little activity and just added to their level of excitement.  (We count everything in sleeps around here, it's a concept they can grasp)

AND FINALLY our day arrived!!

Our day came as any normal day would for everyone else, but for me this day brought about more emotions than I've ever experienced at one time.  I was filled with excitement, nerves, worry, fear, joy...you name it, I probably felt it.  I thought about my boys birth mom and grieved a little at her own loss in this but also felt so blessed and grateful for the gift of life she in turn had given to us.  God breathed life into their bodies but she carried each of them, she was there the minute that breath became reality, she holds a piece of them I never will.  But on this day, I was given a gift she'll never experience, I received the greatest reward...it didn't come with a pregnant belly, a gender reveal, decorating a nursery, or having that moment in a delivery room...but it was no less celebrated, wanted, or appreciated.  On that day, I officially became a mom, and what a feeling that is.  Yes, I've been their mom for almost 2 years now, but the gravity of the moment and the feelings of belonging and completeness did not seem to be lost on any of us, boys included!

The outpouring of love and support was so evident on that day and we felt so blessed to have some of our closest family and friends present with us.  We have been so very blessed in the last few years as we began this journey and walked each milestone with such amazing support!  God did not let us down and even in the darkest days, He continued to provide and often times that came in the form of encouragement and love from our dear family and friends.  THANK YOU!  We didn't walk this road alone!

Following our ceremony in the courthouse and feeling the HUGE weight lifted off our shoulders, the celebrating began!!!  I can honestly say that our day far exceeded what any of us expected and at the end of the day, it was simply put, a perfect day.  We soaked up every beautiful moment and enjoyed the pure joy it brought with it.

We had decided we wanted to take the boys to build-a-bear so they could get something special for their day.  Something they could have that would always bring a good memory with it.  It is the ONE time we said, "Get WHATEVER you want!"  It's such a fun memory and something we all enjoyed doing together as a family.

Sooo many choices!!

Our day ended with a celebration with just family.  My brothers and their families (except for 2 of my nieces) were unable to be at our adoption ceremony so we all met for dinner that evening and what a grand celebration it was!!  I love that our family has welcomed our boys with open arms and from the moment they were in our home, accepted them as family.  There was never any hesitation, only love!  (And with the 2 below, a WHOLE LOT of TROUBLE!)

My younger brother surprised us and showed up to dinner wearing this shirt...a shirt he did freehand and quickly before they dashed out the door to meet us.  Our day was full of so many of these wonderful little "love nuggets" and it just added to the wonderful day we had!

This was OUR day!  It wasn't a grand holiday and for most it quietly came and went.  For us it was so much more.  It was a day when a dream became reality.  When 3 little hearts became entwined with our own.  In my wildest dreams I never imagined that this was how parenthood would come to us but looking back I appreciate it so much more now for the struggles, heartache, and grief that God allowed us to journey through.  It's within the struggles that we often times find our greatest joys and our deepest appreciations.  We come to realize that without it, we wouldn't build character and without character then who are we?  This road brought more character and courage than we ever thought we'd be able to handle but on this side of 2 years, I'm grateful that God chose us...that He chose THEM...because together we make one awesome family of superheroes!

To the unsung heroes who stood behind us through every facet of this adventure...we pray that God provides a chance to hang up your cape and rest and that He will richly and abundantly bless your extraordinary lives!

"He gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother.  Praise the LORD!"

Psalm 113:9

Superman

*Disclaimer: This post is not meant to offend anyone or point fingers at anyone but to sincerely share how things are going in our world and give a little perspective into how foster parenting has been for us in the last year.  It is the raw...the real...even the ugly, us.

It has been quite some time since I've written about our journey and it's mostly been from the lack of time to actually sit down and complete any one task at a time and partly due to fear.  I feared the judgment that may come in sharing the deep, dark truths in our journey and I worried constantly that the anxiety and panic that ensues when that does happen will once again envelop me and that maybe I won't recover from it this time around.  But you know, as Christians we are called to follow God even through the darkest valleys and even when it feels like the world is against us, that HE is FOR US.  I've come to a point where I'm losing the desire to care what others think of us because in the grand scheme of things, unless you've walked this road and battled this journey, you have NO idea what you'd do in our shoes.  So here it is!

WOW, I have learned so much in the last year!!  In many ways the boys have changed me far more than I'll ever change them!  I think the biggest thing I've learned is purpose.  I've come to the humbling, broken realization that I was meant to be their mom.  There's a line from a song my boys and I love to sing and it says,

From my mother's womb

You have chosen me

Love has called my name

I've been born again

Into your family

Your blood flows through my veins

(No Longer Slaves ~ Bethel Music)

I love those words for more than just the meaning they have for me, a child of God, but for the deep meaning they have for our situation with the boys.  From the moment my precious boys were conceived, God had a plan for them as well.  We were meant to be a family LONG before we knew one another.  There is such beauty in that!  God's plans for us far exceeded the plans we had for ourselves.

That being said, God's plans often don't come with special instructions and a beautiful floor plan.  It's like putting together a piece of furniture from Ikea except you've got the directions for a slightly different piece in front of you.  There are a few screws loose, the ends don't always match up, and it doesn't blend in the way you had hoped it would.  But despite it's flaws, the more you embrace it, the more you begin to feel like it was perfectly meant for you.  Sometimes you walk past it and feel like it was all wrong and it just doesn't fit and you doubt your choice, but you realize that when you go to remove it, in your heart you know it's right for you.  I often feel like I've been this way with God's plans for my life.  I feel this deep rooted desire to embrace it but when the valleys become deeper and darker, it's sometimes harder to see the light and understand this plan He has for you.  How can anything good come from something so ugly?  Time and time again God used the ugly in someone's life to bring about glory and honor to His name.  So why can't God use my own ugly?  And with that being said, here comes the ugly part.

We've gotten much advice from many parents on how to parent throughout our journey and we greatly appreciate the love and encouragement from so many.  Yet, many days we struggled, continuing to feel lost and alone.  It wasn't due to lack of support or caring from so many, but due to feeling lost in a world in between again.  Throughout our infertility journey we struggled feeling like we were stuck in that lonely little circle being the couple among all of our friends who didn't have children and couldn't relate or share as we had no idea how to.  And now that we finally get to be parents, we still feel like we're stuck in that lonely little circle.  We thought we'd finally get out of our lonely-not-parents group and the suddenly we are faced with the bitter reality that while we are now parents, it still has it's own stigma and we remain in our own little circle due to this thing called early childhood trauma.  It's ugly and I hate it!!  It envelops the years in my boys lives that I wasn't a part of and involves events that happened that I'll never know about.  This is the part of parenting that isn't normal.  OK, OK, what is normal??  There is no normal in parenting, but if there was we would be, most definitely, removed from anything close to resembling it.

You see the ugly part of this and the part that few want to hear is that we went into this situation thinking, oh blindly thinking, that love would solve their problems, cure their trauma, and make their world better.  Instead we've been left with the sad, bitter reality that loving them doesn't make it better or even change things.  That despite loving, your child will do anything in his power to rebel against that.  That despite loving, your son will poop his pants just to show you he is in control.  Despite loving, he'll ruin something just to see how upset he can make you.  Despite loving, he will chose not to do any work in school even though he knows how, just for the extra attention he gets from a teacher.  It sounds harsh, it sounds illogical, it sounds absurd...it's our daily reality.  It's all about controlling and that means that from the moment they entered our home, the fight for control had begun.  There is manipulation, lying, triangulation, destroying things, stealing, poor behavior, etc...on a daily basis in my home.  You may be saying, "well my child does that too."  And you're right, many biological children do these things.  The difference is that most children have a cause and effect and normal discipline and punishment will often work for many children.  Put them in a time out and then discuss it and the child will feel remorse.  The difference is that my son could be in a time out all day and he may say he's sorry and say all the right things and turn around and do that very thing the minute you turn around and simply for the reaction, yes even the negative, that he'll get from it.  It's a daily battle and struggle asking ourselves as parents, 'how should we respond to this...do we even respond to this?  Or are we reacting in just the way he wanted when he chose to behave poorly?'  We are many days mentally exhausted from battling the "games" we have to play.  We've made so many mistakes in the last year and looking back sometimes I just shake my head at how naive we were.  We've tapped out our creativity in trying to find ways to connect.  And just when you feel you've connected and there is some improvement, next week you'll find you're back to square one and you need to come up with something else that connects.  My positive affirmation tank has been bone dry for months.  Yet despite that, they need to hear it, feel it, and see it from us.  But how??  (There is so much more on this subject, I could probably fill a book on it, but maybe I'll write more about this another day.)

Despite all of this, we are called to love and we were called to be their parents!  And we have learned so much about ourselves!  We've learned that there is NO amount of preparation or classes that could have ever prepared us to parent children with trauma.  You learn that the world of psychology can be hugely frustrating as a foster parent.  You learn that to do anything in the realm of making appointments and getting your child seen by any kind of professional takes hurdles and leaps you feel inadequately prepared for.  You learn that your life is completely vulnerable to anyone working on your "case".  You learn to hope for a good case worker from the start, one who will listen, support, and guide you through the roller coaster of life every 2 weeks.  And that roller coaster (which I hate with a passion, I don't even like the Trailblazer at Hershey Park...gag a maggot!) flies at speeds and over turns you think will inevitably derail your life.  You feel life is a constant balancing act, just waiting to tip one way or the other.  And yet through it all, we've had one constant.  Through the moments of doubt and moments you loose the desire to continue to do this and be THEIR parents, God has been there.  Through the deepest trenches and darkest days, God has found ways to remind us that He will always be a constant and that He has an incredible plan for our family.  We've found friends who have walked the foster/adoption journey and have lived to share their story and encourage us through our unique struggles.

I grew up with the motto "embrace the challenge" grilled into me and I could not be more grateful for that influence as we walk the challenges of parenting our boys.  I'm learning that I need to be my boys advocates (and a fiercer one they'll never find!).  I've spent months feeling isolated and alone in my struggles.  And after countless hours of research, I've found hope in knowing I'm most definitely NOT!   Through that research I've found other moms who have been faced with similar circumstances and children that don't "fit the mold".  Through it all I've found immeasurable peace in knowing there are others who have walked this road and took the courage to share their struggles.  And now another challenge has been set into motion.  What can I do to encourage those around me who may be facing a similar journey??

God never uses anyone greatly

until he tests them deeply

~A.W. Tozer

If there is any chance my words are connecting with another foster or adoptive mom, then I hope you hear these words.  Don't give up!!  Don't let the challenges you face make you drown in the discouragement of it.  Rise to the challenge in loving the unloveable.  Parenthood may not have come to you in the ways you hoped or expected.  This journey may not be what you had hoped and dreamed it would be, but God can and will use you through it.  And when the reality in realizing that just loving them isn't the answer, stay strong, hold your ground, and find peace in knowing that God has carved out this imperfect, beautiful plan for your life and for theirs.  Rejoice in the small victories we gain and allow yourself to find peace in God's grace and mercy when that small victory becomes overshadowed with another heartache.

If you're reading this and you haven't fostered or adopted but you're asking yourself what can I do?  PRAY!  Prayer is one of the most underutilized encouragements.  We NEED prayers desperately!!  We fail every day in trying to parent and love our boys.  Pray for godly wisdom and strength.  Secondly, we as Christians need to find a way to reach out to foster and adoptive parents around us.  There are so many children who need loving homes in our world today and we see ads and commercials every single day with the pull for parents to step forward for these children.  And it's a great calling...but the calling doesn't stop after the children are placed in a new home.  The call goes beyond that!  What happens when these parents are now experiencing caregiver fatigue or when they feel isolated in their particular struggles??  Find ways to reach out to those around you without judging or feeling the need to give parental advice at every turn.  Love them and if you ask how things are going, be prepared to listen to the ugly without feeling you need to impart you're own wisdom.  Sometimes a genuine hug can go a long way.  We need to learn to put judgments aside as parents and learn to embrace one another as parents equally.  We don't share the same struggles and we don't all parent the same way, but our level of caring shouldn't become different because we disagree on how to parent.  Here's my challenge: find someone to encourage this week who may be struggling beyond something you can understand.  You have no idea the impact you may have on their world, as well as your own.

Finally, to those, both family and friends, who don't walk this journey, who aren't in the trenches, and haven't parented a child with trauma like our boys, but yet have stayed by our side, journeyed the path, and continue to love us for who we are, despite our flaws...may God richly and immensely bless you!!  Your love, encouragement, and faithfulness to us has gotten us through some of the roughest days!!  You continue to listen and allow us to cry on your shoulder and hear the same boring saga day in and day out and yet continue to have a desire to be our friends and find ways to encourage us through it.  You have welcomed our boys with open arms and hearts.  You cannot imagine how just being there, validating our pain and our heartaches, has kept our heads above water some days.  To the many who have graciously watched the boys just to give us a break and a chance to breathe...our heartfelt, sincere thank you!!  To those who have met with us and shared your own journey in loving children who aren't biologically yours...there is such a comfort and peace in knowing you're NOT alone!  To those that cover us in prayer and remain our unseen angels...our hearts remain eternally grateful (and KEEP THEM COMING!!)!

We just celebrated our 12 year anniversary and the Lord had certainly written a particular, special plan for us...one we never imagined would involve parenting our little guys.  In these past 12 years we've experienced some amazing highs and some immensely difficult lows.  No matter the plan God has written for us we are learning to embrace and love 3 lovable, amazing boys whose love for superhero's is infusing itself into our lives!

Open your heart to God's imperfect plan in your own life and embrace the superhero within...you never know the endless possibilities and heights He has in store for you!

Because even Superman was adopted!

Refining Fire

I've struggled many times in wanting to start writing this post and then feeling inadequate to do so.  Yes, I've been quiet here lately but life for us has been anything but quiet.  We have all been settling in here and adjusting to life as a family.  It hasn't been easy...in fact the hardest thing thus far that we've done...but we are all surviving and have had some really amazing moments together and all around we're all getting excited for the adoption process to begin so we can truly feel like a family.  God has used this whole situation to bring me to a deeper, more rooted relationship with Him and learn that I need to daily lean on Him and trust His magnificent plan for our lives.

A drawing from my oldest for me...huge in our world, as love wasn't something he spoke initially. :)

In happy, fun news, Jamie and I got to go to Washington D.C. for Valentine's Day (our Christmas gift from his wonderful boss!) and we had a simply wonderful time away together!!  My parents kept the boys and were wonderful in giving us this weekend to ourselves.  It definitely gave them a better appreciation for the some of the struggles we face in the baggage that comes with our boys and for that we're grateful for some understanding.  Everyone had a grand weekend all around.  The boys got to spend some much needed time with Grammy and Happy (for some reason my middle calls Pappy this sometimes...he also refers to the butchershop as the wutchershop...totally cute).  They couldn't wait for their sleepover and neither could Jamie and I.  It was the first real break we've had since we got them back in October and it was time!  Although the temperatures were more like Montana in the winter than East coast winter, we had a fabulous time walking ALL over D.C.!!  Foot and hand warmers were on the top of our favorite list that weekend along with comfortable shoes...style took a backseat to staying warm and keeping my feet from blistering, but we had sooo much fun just enjoying one another's company!  Oh how I love that man!!!

We we have had some amazing, positive moments in the past few months and the love for them continues to bloom and grow.  We've also experienced some major moments of brokenness and heartache.  We knew this journey wouldn't be without it's battles and struggles but nothing can ever truly prepare you for just how real it becomes.  I've experienced anxiety and fear in a whole new light.  I've come face to face with the enemy and I can say with utmost certainly that without God I would not have survived any of it.  When you are brought to your absolute lowest point and completely ripped apart and you're left with the rawest form of yourself, that's when God can do some of the His greatest work.  I had been brought to this moment in my life and left bleeding and scarred, but a shell of the self I once knew, struggling to find some piece of the person I once knew and grabbing at anything that brought about a sense of peace and self -worth.  We learned that spiritual warfare isn't something that happens elsewhere, it was brought right to our own doorstep.  We're not naive to spiritual warfare nor did we feel immune to it prior to this, but I don't recall a time when I felt it quite this strongly.  The devil was looking for a foothold and he almost succeeded at gaining one.

It was in these moments of paralyzing fear, uncertainty, and brokenness that I crawled to God, praying with every fiber of my being that He would heal the wounds that had begun to cripple me.  My life felt like this black, gapping hole, with no hope.  It was in one of these moments, one I will never forget, that my amazing husband knew what I needed and took my shaking hand in his and began praying for me.  I began asking my closest friends to pray for us and I opened my Bible and began reading and soaking in His words of love and peace.  My dear friend, Mrs Tate, gave me, Hope for the Weary Mom Devotional, a 40-Day Journey, for Christmas and it quickly became one of my favorite things!  One of my biggest fears in getting a devotional for moms was the fear in feeling like someone else had it all together as a mom and I'd feel judged as I read thru it.  The words within these pages truly ministered to my aching soul and my time spent in devotions each day has quickly become a favorite time of day.  It's MY time and MY time to spend with my Heavenly Father.

I was listening to a song on the radio recently and somehow I seem to do some of my deepest thinking and praying while I'm driving.  It's just me, the road, and my thoughts sometimes.  I had just experienced a true God moment the night before in "hearing" Him loud and clear.  I had seen a post from a friend on FB regarding the same devotional I've been reading and I remembered thinking that I didn't remember reading that particular chapter yet.  Don't you know it, that very evening that was the chapter my bookmark opened to.  It was titled, He is Able, and the verse was Daniel 3:17,

"If you throw is into the blasting furnace, then the God we serve is able to rescue us from a furnace of blazing fire and release us from your power, Your Majesty."

That evening I also decided to just open my Bible and see where God took me.  I literally opened my Bible and the first verse my eyes laid on was the very verse above.  If that isn't a clear message from God, I don't know what is!  God was trying to tell me something and I was thrilled to finally have a moment of true clarity from God...the neon, flashing lights, this is exactly the direction you should take clarity.  He was reminding me that He is there thru the mess for me.  The little point at the end of my devotion that evening was this,

"The fire is a place to refine us and make us like Him."

This got me thinking about scars and refining fire.  And I had this thought, what if God allows us to go thru these moments of fear, brokennes, and being stripped to our rawness so that He can create a masterpiece??  I immediately began thinking of all the wounds and scars I carry inside that no one else sees.  Back to this moment in the car and the song I was listening to, "Diamonds" by Hawk Nelson, talks about refining (OK God, I'm seeing the trend here) and about God making diamonds out of us.  So what if...what if God is allowing those scars happen so that when we only have Him to lean on it's thru those scars and wounds others can see God shining thru the brightest??

What if in those moments of brokenness when we feel all hope is lost and the life we knew now lays in shattered pieces, what if in our weakest we allow the One who created us to put us back together and allow Him to shine thru those cracks?  He knows our beginning...He knows our ending...only He can mend us in a fashion that is truly fitting for our story.  Let the heartbreak and the scars become a true representation of the person that you are and let the One who knows you best and SEES every single scar and broken piece be the One who shines thru you the brightest!  We may not be the same person we were, but then I don't want to be that person any more.  This me knows and understands a little more and this me is much more connected to the God who cancels out all those shadows and crippling darkness in my life.  Instead of looking back and regretting and wishing things hadn't been so difficult, I'd rather look back and see the ways in which God was working, molding, and at times allowing the pain and the brokenness.  Yes, he ALLOWS us pain and suffering sometimes!  He built us for the journey and gave us the greatest hope in the midst of difficulty...Himself!  We need only lay down our fears and self-loathing at His feet and trust that He built us for something incredible!

Let light shine out of the darkness

                                           2 Corinthians 4:6

My Favorite Things

We have almost reached our 6 week mark with the boys and life has changed beyond belief.  I would like to report that things are going just beautifully and that we're just loving our new role but I think any parent would think I was living in a fantasy world if I said so and my husband would probably seriously consider getting my head checked out as that is definitely NOT where we are at right now.  We are in what I call survival mode.  That point in your life when you feel like you're one paddle away from drowning, we can keep bobbing, but don't expect it to always look graceful because graceful isn't on the radar right now...it is simply about

SURVIVING!

So in an attempt to brighten my mood I'm going to share about some of my favorite things.  Things that now that I'm part of the mommy club, I'm sure most can relate with.  One of my most favorite things right now is THIS...

...MY closet!!!

This has quickly become my absolute favorite room in the house!  It is a room all to myself and it just makes me feel calm and happy when I walk into it.  I find my zen in this room, I get dolled up in this room, it smells clean and is has some of my favorite things in it.  Like that ottoman, for example, I love to sit there and put my shoes on.  The vanity, where I can sit quietly in my room with my favorite pandora station and get prettied up or sit with my computer.  Those marathon medals I worked so hard for...at least I got medal for that marathon, ain't no medal for the mommy marathon!  My favorite pair of sparkly heels.  The beautiful jewelry my husband showers me with.  There are so many reasons I love this room!!  It is completely ME!  Yes, I do understand all my ME statements make me sound a little selfish right now and I can honestly say, that is NOT my intention.  This room is simply my "happy" many days when I desperately need to find a measure of joy and happiness.

THE Closet came about this past spring after that horribly wonderful thing called Pinterest.  In looking for a better solution for our tiny, shared closet issues I saw these amazing closets and got the idea that I'd love to turn a room in our house into my own closet...an ENTIRE room!  So we took the room we would have used for a nursery and transformed it.  My husband was completely on board with my idea and has been great about helping me transform it.  (I truly found a diamond in the rough in that man!!!  He's one of a kind!)  I wanted to take my time and come up with the right concept for what I was looking for.  There are SO many ideas out there and directions to go, but I wanted it to look similar to the picture in my head.  Picking colors is always the hardest part for me because I don't enjoy painting so I want to get it done right the first time.   After asking one of my amazing friends what I should do, she suggested I do Tiffany colors and her suggestion was just PERFECT!!  It just fell into place from there and I had a vision in what I wanted.  Nothing like a little Breakfast at Tiffany's to make one happy.  I've so enjoyed finding little pieces here and there to continue to complete the look of my room.  It didn't all come together at one time and it's still not complete, but that's part of the fun.  I recently added the chandelier and it is another one of my favorite parts of this room.  It adds sparkle in all the right places!

So this transformation happened this spring prior to even meeting the boys and my comment has been..."we figured the baby thing wasn't going to happen so let's do with this room what WE want and then God looked down and laughed."  One of the first questions from MANY when they found out about the boys was, "Are you keeping the closet?"  I SURE AM!!!  I NEED a place to go where I can recharge and feel it's my own space.  Every parent needs that!!  So welcome to my space...please don't stand on the ottoman, leave your own shoes at the door, and don't touch!  Ooops sorry, I forgot I wasn't talking to the kids for a second.  

My hubby was great about letting me purchase a closet system for this closet and it's been just grand!  And my New York sign was a great find!  I had my eye on it a few weeks before I actually purchased it, even had it in my cart, and put it back because the price just wasn't right for me.  I figured if I really wanted it, I wouldn't forget it was there and go back if I felt it was right for me.  Well, I just couldn't find something even close to it, so I went back and bought it...on clearance this time!!  Score!!

I wanted to be creative about what I hung on my walls.  I wanted New York, Paris, kind of a fashion theme for the room.  So I took designer bags I had and framed them.  (Again another Pinterest idea)  And with the help of my amazing Mom, they found their way on the wall without me screwing it up completely!

Truer words have never been spoken.  :) 

(My husband disagrees.)

I had this all figured out in my head, it was all about getting the right pieces for my room.  This mirror was kind of a long time coming.  I had been using a long broken mirror for months until I came across the right mirror for the right price.

Jamie has amazing taste in jewelry and I don't get jewelry all the time...please don't think we are rolling in the dough, he's also a great bargain hunter!  The price tag doesn't give it any less meaning.  He gave me this necklace when we got the boys and it's one of my favorites.  The diamond in the middle moves and catches the light.

And there is the man himself!  He is by far one of my favorite things!!  He knows just when I need him most and I've discovered that not only are we soulmates, but we make amazing teammates when it comes to parenting.  He IS my better half and one amazing daddy.

These have also become two of my favorite things!  I am amazed at how much crappier my life has gotten...I mean that in the literal sense.  We have dealt with more poop in the last 6 weeks than I have my entire nursing career and that's saying something!!  I'm weary of the bathroom problems...I'm exhausted from attempting to pull at every straw we have to try and curb some of the behaviors.  We are realizing that it will most definitely get worse before it gets better.  That thought alone makes my insides churn and I find myself rocking in my seat trying to hold onto the little bit of sanity I have left.  This journey IS NOT easy...it IS NOT fun...it HAS NOT been a joy.  This is simply our reality right now.  So therefore, sometimes I calmly (outwardly at least, inside I'm a trembling mess) close the bedroom door to a screaming, out of control child...this is after spending over an hour listening to another sob and yell at me for making him scrub his soiled underwear...and walk to my fridge, find this sweet gem and a corkscrew and enjoy a glass of bubbly happy.  If anything it helps to calm the anxiety so I can at least fall asleep without spending hours tossing and turning because of the guilt in feeling like a horrible parent.

(Disclaimer: no, this does not happen every night, only occasions when necessary!)

Our reality right now is very much nut shelled in the above paragraph.  Things have definitely gotten worse since we first got the boys and while they tell you there will be a honeymoon period, which is definitely NOT anything like a honeymoon, they are right!  This is a place for me to be vulnerable and honest, so I'm gonna lay it out there.  No, I do not enjoy being a mommy right now. I would do just about anything to go a week without having to hear mommy a zillion times in a day.  (Yes, I've tried telling them that mommy isn't here...they've caught on and now ask, "Is Sally here today, mommy?")  I miss my quiet house.  I miss just picking up and going where I wanted to go.  Yes, we do have occasional moments of joy but at present they are few and far between and that is truly not my being pessimistic, this is quite frankly our reality.  We knew it wasn't going to be easy.  We knew we were called to do this.  But no amount of classes or training can ever prepare you for this.  Again, not something we didn't already know.

Many parents get to know their children as they grow from infants into toddlers and then young children.  We didn't have that.  We didn't get their past, we just got the baggage they brought with them.  We are doing the best that we can at this present moment, but we are definitely struggling.  We take one day...one moment at a time.  I watched a video this morning of a dad giving his new infant a bath and my heart bled a little still wondering what that must be like.  We took these boys into our home willingly and want them here, but we moved right into discipline and the love for them is going to take time to fully develop.

We live on the prayers of many right now and so greatly appreciate the overwhelming support from so many!!!  Thank you to those who ask and then sit and listen.  Listening to us as well as getting some validation for where we are right now definitely helps!!!  Many times it's just nice to know someone is listening and truly cares.  We just want to know that we are doing a good job and that we aren't adding to their baggage or making their lives worse.  So thank you for the continued encouragement, shoulder to cry on, and as always the prayers!!!  It goes further than you may think some days!

Blessings!!

Week One Down

Wow, it is amazing how drastically ones life can change in one week!!!  We have moved past a level of exhaustion we never knew possible.  Overwhelmed??  YES!  And then some!!  I feel like I've lived the last 10 years worth of emotions all over again in one week.  The roller coaster of emotions quickly moved from a stream to a raging river.

First let me say we are all doing well and despite trying to find new normals and routines for all of us, we are slowly finding ours and figuring out how we work as a family.  A FAMILY!  I never really considered just Jamie and I family...this family concept is a strange one.  (I'm wishing I could put my facial expressions in here for a change because I feel as though I can't adequately describe life right now.)  Regardless, we are now "daddy" and "mommy" (most of the time) and as strange as it sounds and as much I don't know my heart has fully accepted it, I'm coming to a point where hearing it will illicit an immediate response rather than the initial delayed response.  I'll definitely never tire of hearing them yell "Daddy!!" when Jamie gets home.  My heart becomes this melted, gooey glob of mushy emotions.  So to answer the many messages, texts, emails, and love showered on us this week...we are doing well.  Adjusting, coping, transitioning...but doing just fine.

Second, I'd really love to put together a post titled, "The things I've learned about parenting in one week" because seriously if I had a dollar for every time I thought that this week, neither Jamie nor I would have to work!!  I had no idea how quickly the poop can pile up, how many arguments and personal disasters would occur over the silliest things, and how much more I'd grow to love my husband.  It's been eye opening to say the least, but I didn't expect anything else.  In fact many of my fears have come to life this week.

My greatest fear in all of this was that I'd regret it.  And I can't say that I regret it...it's way too early to be saying anything like that. But I've had many, many unsettling moments over the past week and that has been it's own journey.  I literally sat down at one moment to write thank you notes and I just couldn't get myself to do it, instead I sat and cried.  One of those gut wrenching cries that pulls from your soul.  It happened to be my first day at home with the kids on my own and I was petrified!!  I had no clue how to navigate this on my own.  There comes adult moments in life when you wonder how exactly did you get here...married, working, doing adult things...and you panic because suddenly you feel 5 years old and everything is screaming, there's no way you're adult enough for this!!!  I had many of those moments this week!!  How do parents do this day in and day out??  A question I've asked many this past week.

GOD...as with everything in life...GOD will see you thru it.  My older brother sent me an email this week as they too are dealing with a recent move and adding 2 foster children to their home...yikes doesn't come close to covering how I'd feel about that.  But his one comment to me was this...

You weren't built for this but HE is!

Truer words were never spoken!!  My mom also posted a song on my FB page by Amanda Cook, called Heroes and my favorite line in the song...

You taught my feet to dance upon disappointment and I will worship.

I don't want to make it sound like I'm depressed about our current situation or disappointed about it.  Both Jamie and I are trying to find out our new norm in this, along with that means letting go of old norms...time to ourselves without little people needing our every attention every minute; enjoying time together without falling asleep the minute we crawl into bed; simply losing the independence we once had.  11 years to ourselves is a long time to build routines and to have that uprooted in one night is a shock to the system.  It takes time to let go of what we once had and embrace the new.  As much as we wanted children, I had come to a peace about where we were and now to change that plan on us, let's just say I had to embrace that much quicker than the time it took to finally feel a peace about not having children.  We've taken a HUGE leap of faith!  So yes, my feet have had to dance upon disappointment this week.  In time we'll build a new routine and find that we got this, but for now we are still calming the nerves and fears that come to any new parent.  For now we rest in GOD knowing that He has our best intentions as well as their best intentions in mind.

On that note, I'd like to share the last night Jamie and I had as just a family of 2.  I had to work the day before I had to go and pick them up and I think that was good because it kept my mind and heart from having a complete panic attack.  We wanted to make the house into a welcome home party for them, so we went out to get balloons when I got home.  In talking we decided on a last minute night out and he took me to Olive Garden.  Not the fanciest but special to us as it was the place we had our last date the night before we said I Do.  When we got home he told me to shower and then he had something special planned for me.  Now let me tell you, I loved that man a whole heap before, this past week watching him rise to each occasion, I've grown to love him more and it started with this night together!!  Indeed he had something special for us...he had a fire crackling in the fire place and our favorite movie, "P.S. I Love You", in the DVD player.  Ya know that ooey gooey mess my heart was before, yeah, I'm still trying to get that melted mess outta the carpet!!  It just felt like a perfect evening for us and I soaked it up!!  An evening by the fire with the one I love...I didn't think it could get any better.  I was wrong!!  He has gone above and beyond any expectations I ever had in him as a husband and a father!  He has rolled in like a gentle wave and completely takes the fears and stress and absorbs them.  I'm amazed at how much more I love him now than just a week ago...I didn't think it was possible!!

I know, enough of the mushy stuff.  Ok, ok so I'd like to just say thank you to the many people who have reached out to us this week and have covered us in thoughts and prayers!!!  We would NOT be able to do this without the outpouring of love and support and encouragement from all of you!  We have felt the prayers and ask for continued prayers as we continue to transition.  May your lives be blessed for the absolute blessing you've been to our family!!

THANK YOU!!

Update

Since our announcement 2 weeks ago, we have been flooded with more encouragement and love than we ever dreamed possible.  The overwhelming support from those around us has been such a blessing and has greatly helped the pre-child jitters we are definitely experiencing.

I thought that I should send out an update as I know a lot are curious as to where things are at by now.  We continue to wait for clearances with our foster approval.  One final step before we get the official OK.  We had to obtain clearances from every state we lived in...of course Montana's was back in a day. Maryland hasn't been so swift.  I have no idea at this point what kind of time frame we are looking at once this happens.  I do plan to take some time off of work to help with the transition.

OK so my blog has always been a sounding board for me and I figure why stop now.  You get the nitty gritty raw me that some don't always see.  While we are excited and thrilled about the boys coming into our home, I continue to battle with the immense fear and apprehension about this hugely life changing event.  And then to wrap my head around the fact that we will be parents...PARENTS!?!  I word I never truly associated with our world.  It seems bizarre and so unlike us.  I mean, come on, parenting just didn't seem in the cards for us!  And now we've elevated that from nothing to 3.  My poor heart is having quite the emotional battle; weekly, daily, hourly, minute by minute I battle with feeling as though we aren't ready or even if have what it takes to be parents.

I've been told quite often lately that every parent feels that way.  Guess I just never imagined us being lumped in with the parenting crowd.  We've gone from 11 years of me and him, through thick and thin, the good and bad and even ugly, but it's remained just us...and the tumbleweeds...now we are expanding on that.  One day my house will be quiet and we will go to bed as just a family of 2 and the next day we'll welcome in 3 and go to bed as a family of 5!!  How do people do this??  How do you prepare for this??  I'm so afraid I'll be miserable.  I fear I'll look back and just want my quiet days back.  I know that it will make for days like that...every parent experiences days like that.  But my fear is that every day will be like that.  I don't know what to expect.  I don't even know how to feel.  The gamete of emotions we've experienced in the last month alone have been exhausting!!

Well I guess it's like marriage, for better or for worse we are on this journey together and I'm anxious to see how my feelings, emotions, and blog posts will be after a year.  I know we will mess up and we'll make horrible mistakes as parents, but we desire to be good parents for these boys and to make their lives better.  How I hope we can be good parents.  For now we are resting in God's perfect timing and absolutely soaking up every quiet, independent moment we have together and enjoying the calm before the storm.  Ah, what a storm it will be but ya know I've always enjoyed a good thunderstorm...so bring it on!

Thank you for all the support, advice, love, donations, and the continued encouragement!!!  Thank you just doesn't seem like enough for the way in which so many have blessed our lives.  The excitement from everyone has been so helpful in keeping us from drowning in the apprehension of it all.  Those who already believe in us as parents, I can't thank you enough!!  We could never do it without the army of people standing behind us and cheering us on.  We pray you too may be blessed for the kindness and love you've showered on us.

THANK YOU!!

Announcing...

Well we are finally doing it!  We are making the BIG announcement we've always dreamed of.  That's right...we are adding to our family of two and expanding to a family of five!

Yep you heard me right, I said

FIVE!! 

This has been quite another journey for us and will continue to be a journey but we are thrilled to share where God has taken us the past three months.

Three months ago this wasn't even a thought process for us.  We were continuing on with the two of us and I won't lie, I was perfectly fine with where God had us.  We were finally wrapping our brains around it being just us and it was honestly sitting just fine with us.  Yes, there are always times we would wonder and wish that life had been different for us but the more we moved thru life the more we enjoyed having just us.  Yet again God went and changed the agenda for us.  I'd be lying if I said I haven't dealt with a few moments of anger at God for changing the plans on us again.  I mean we were finally OK with US, why did we have to change that??  But if we've learned anything we learned that God works in His time, not ours.

The path of infertility never had adoption completely off the radar, we just felt that if it would be for us it would have to be the right situation.  We just couldn't afford all the adoption costs and again, I just felt that if it was God directed, then it would have to be the right circumstance.  But it was never an idea we were closed off to.  Around Mothers Day this year we had a family gathering for my family and little did we know it would be a life changer for us.  My older brother Mike and his wife Maegan had been approved for foster care within the last year and while we thought they were mildly crazy for it, we also knew they always had a heart for adoption or fostering and stood behind them 100%.  Yes, they're a busy family, but they are both phenomenal parents and have a true heart for kids.  Over the past year we've had some extra little people to welcome in as they have done some short term fostering.  This particular dinner they happened to have two little boys they were keeping for the weekend for another family.  (There are three boys but my brother and SIL were only able to take two.  You can only have 6 children in your home at a time when fostering...we've learned quite a lot during this whole process.) The family that is fostering the boys happen to also be close friends with my brother and SIL and Jamie and I happen to know the family as we had connections with them growing up.  As my family tends to do, we just welcomed these boys in that evening and they just seemed to "fit in" with our crazy clan.  As the evening went on Jamie and I as well as my parents began asking questions about them and found out that they may be up for adoption soon.

We also found out that foster to adopt meant a very different picture financially in terms that we could definitely afford.  We are in no means doing this for the money!  But one of our issues with adoption was the big financial issue...how would we afford it??  Our hearts also didn't seem to be pulled in that direction in the last 10 years.  Well that changed after one evening with these boys...oh man, did it ever change!!  We felt the pull, we felt God's hand pointing us down another road and sending us in a completely different direction.  It was as much a surprise to us as anyone else!

So after talking it over and praying about it I contacted the agency they were currently with and told them we were interested in fostering to adopt if possible.  Talk about airing your dirty laundry for all to see!  This process sure isn't for the faint of heart or those who like their privacy and I sure do like my privacy!!
  What are your thoughts on discipline?
What was your childhood like?
Do you have the adequate number of smoke detectors?
How do you cope with stress?
Does your doctor, your neighbor, your close friends, your 3rd grade teacher think you're qualified to be a parent?
Do you like cheese on your sandwiches?

OK so that last one wasn't one of the questions but it barely stopped at that.  I fully understand why we were asked these questions but it doesn't make getting asked them any easier.  And when it seems as though any Tom, Dick, or Harry can procreate and pop out a baby whether they have the funds, a stable home, or even care about the child while we have to go thru the tedious task of submitting a mound...yes, it was a mound...of paperwork, give our John Hancock more times than we care to count, and attend classes, well you can guess the bitterness that can accompany all of this.  Yep, I sure am bitter about some of it.  Yep, I'm angry about the process at times.  Absolutely I've questioned what in THE SAME HILL are we thinking?!?!?

But in the end, it's those little faces we've continued to see thru it all...

It's those little faces...these little personalities that we are falling in love with.  This whole process hasn't been the norm but we don't do normal so why stop now.  We've had the fortunate opportunity to spend several days with them here and there and get to know them better and vice versa.  And it would seem as though they too are enjoying spending time with us.  They haven't wanted to go back home several times we've spent a day together and we just can't find the right words to explain why we can't keep them overnight.  (It's not an option until we are officially approved from the agency.)  But we have been so blessed by the family they are with right now who have been such a huge help thru this whole process!!  They have been so wonderful in allowing us unlimited time with them and have tried from the very beginning to make both us and them comfortable with one another.  We are so grateful for the influence they've had in the boys lives and for their amazing support thru all of this!!

We had some wonderful conversations with the boys so far and have greatly enjoyed getting to know them.  We, as well as my family, are definitely getting quickly attached.  The best conversation so far was with the oldest.  They had asked me earlier in the day if we had any children and I said no and they immediately wanted to know why.  "Well, we wanted children but God just never gave us children.  We would love to have kids."  The wheels must have been turning because he brought it up again after the other two were down for a nap.  He asked me again if we had any kids and after I answered, he immediately responded with, "Hey, I know!!  WE could be your kids!"
Insert jaw hitting the floor...and no idea how to respond.  We, nor the family they're with now, have told them any of this process or that we are hoping to one day adopt them.  We felt it wasn't fair to them after all they've had to go thru in their little lives already.  But children are sure not dumb and I think they are picking up on all of this.  They just want a place to settle down, a place to call home permanently.  Our hearts break with what they've had to endure already on their short time on earth.  Those moments when the doubts begin to creep in and we seriously wonder how we'll be able to handle such a huge change to our lives and wonder if we'll even be good parents...we see those faces and we're reminded that they deserve so much more.  We long to give them wonderful childhood memories, to fill their lives with love, and to open our home and welcome in the family we've always dreamed of having.  It's difficult sometimes to feel like we've missed parts of their lives but a line from a movie recently ran thru my head and reminded me that we may not have their past but we have their future and we have the opportunity to change their world.

And so our lives will go from just to two of us to toys all over the floor, a car full of carseats, peanut butter and jelly in the cracks of the dining room chairs, crayon marks on the walls (yep, they've already made their marks on the house), exploring the creek out front with cowboy hats and flashlights, listening to Elsa belt out "Let It Go" from the car speakers, and handprints on the mirrors.  But we'll also have snuggles during movie time, endless hugs and kisses, and hearing mommy and daddy uttered for the first time...and in those moments we'll know that this is what we were built for, that this was the journey we were meant to travel...the road that would bring them to us and us to them.  And we'll fall into bed exhausted, tired beyond belief, but happier than we've ever been.

We would appreciate continued prayers and support as we will hopefully be welcoming them into our home by the end of the month and then hopefully eventually transition from fostering to adoption.  It won't be easy and we're scared to death but we've been overwhelmed but the outpouring of love, support, and encouragement from those closest to us who have known about the process.

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway" -John Wayne

Here's to saddling up and welcoming 3 more little cowboys along for the ride!