Refining Fire

I've struggled many times in wanting to start writing this post and then feeling inadequate to do so.  Yes, I've been quiet here lately but life for us has been anything but quiet.  We have all been settling in here and adjusting to life as a family.  It hasn't been easy...in fact the hardest thing thus far that we've done...but we are all surviving and have had some really amazing moments together and all around we're all getting excited for the adoption process to begin so we can truly feel like a family.  God has used this whole situation to bring me to a deeper, more rooted relationship with Him and learn that I need to daily lean on Him and trust His magnificent plan for our lives.

A drawing from my oldest for me...huge in our world, as love wasn't something he spoke initially. :)

In happy, fun news, Jamie and I got to go to Washington D.C. for Valentine's Day (our Christmas gift from his wonderful boss!) and we had a simply wonderful time away together!!  My parents kept the boys and were wonderful in giving us this weekend to ourselves.  It definitely gave them a better appreciation for the some of the struggles we face in the baggage that comes with our boys and for that we're grateful for some understanding.  Everyone had a grand weekend all around.  The boys got to spend some much needed time with Grammy and Happy (for some reason my middle calls Pappy this sometimes...he also refers to the butchershop as the wutchershop...totally cute).  They couldn't wait for their sleepover and neither could Jamie and I.  It was the first real break we've had since we got them back in October and it was time!  Although the temperatures were more like Montana in the winter than East coast winter, we had a fabulous time walking ALL over D.C.!!  Foot and hand warmers were on the top of our favorite list that weekend along with comfortable shoes...style took a backseat to staying warm and keeping my feet from blistering, but we had sooo much fun just enjoying one another's company!  Oh how I love that man!!!

We we have had some amazing, positive moments in the past few months and the love for them continues to bloom and grow.  We've also experienced some major moments of brokenness and heartache.  We knew this journey wouldn't be without it's battles and struggles but nothing can ever truly prepare you for just how real it becomes.  I've experienced anxiety and fear in a whole new light.  I've come face to face with the enemy and I can say with utmost certainly that without God I would not have survived any of it.  When you are brought to your absolute lowest point and completely ripped apart and you're left with the rawest form of yourself, that's when God can do some of the His greatest work.  I had been brought to this moment in my life and left bleeding and scarred, but a shell of the self I once knew, struggling to find some piece of the person I once knew and grabbing at anything that brought about a sense of peace and self -worth.  We learned that spiritual warfare isn't something that happens elsewhere, it was brought right to our own doorstep.  We're not naive to spiritual warfare nor did we feel immune to it prior to this, but I don't recall a time when I felt it quite this strongly.  The devil was looking for a foothold and he almost succeeded at gaining one.

It was in these moments of paralyzing fear, uncertainty, and brokenness that I crawled to God, praying with every fiber of my being that He would heal the wounds that had begun to cripple me.  My life felt like this black, gapping hole, with no hope.  It was in one of these moments, one I will never forget, that my amazing husband knew what I needed and took my shaking hand in his and began praying for me.  I began asking my closest friends to pray for us and I opened my Bible and began reading and soaking in His words of love and peace.  My dear friend, Mrs Tate, gave me, Hope for the Weary Mom Devotional, a 40-Day Journey, for Christmas and it quickly became one of my favorite things!  One of my biggest fears in getting a devotional for moms was the fear in feeling like someone else had it all together as a mom and I'd feel judged as I read thru it.  The words within these pages truly ministered to my aching soul and my time spent in devotions each day has quickly become a favorite time of day.  It's MY time and MY time to spend with my Heavenly Father.

I was listening to a song on the radio recently and somehow I seem to do some of my deepest thinking and praying while I'm driving.  It's just me, the road, and my thoughts sometimes.  I had just experienced a true God moment the night before in "hearing" Him loud and clear.  I had seen a post from a friend on FB regarding the same devotional I've been reading and I remembered thinking that I didn't remember reading that particular chapter yet.  Don't you know it, that very evening that was the chapter my bookmark opened to.  It was titled, He is Able, and the verse was Daniel 3:17,

"If you throw is into the blasting furnace, then the God we serve is able to rescue us from a furnace of blazing fire and release us from your power, Your Majesty."

That evening I also decided to just open my Bible and see where God took me.  I literally opened my Bible and the first verse my eyes laid on was the very verse above.  If that isn't a clear message from God, I don't know what is!  God was trying to tell me something and I was thrilled to finally have a moment of true clarity from God...the neon, flashing lights, this is exactly the direction you should take clarity.  He was reminding me that He is there thru the mess for me.  The little point at the end of my devotion that evening was this,

"The fire is a place to refine us and make us like Him."

This got me thinking about scars and refining fire.  And I had this thought, what if God allows us to go thru these moments of fear, brokennes, and being stripped to our rawness so that He can create a masterpiece??  I immediately began thinking of all the wounds and scars I carry inside that no one else sees.  Back to this moment in the car and the song I was listening to, "Diamonds" by Hawk Nelson, talks about refining (OK God, I'm seeing the trend here) and about God making diamonds out of us.  So what if...what if God is allowing those scars happen so that when we only have Him to lean on it's thru those scars and wounds others can see God shining thru the brightest??

What if in those moments of brokenness when we feel all hope is lost and the life we knew now lays in shattered pieces, what if in our weakest we allow the One who created us to put us back together and allow Him to shine thru those cracks?  He knows our beginning...He knows our ending...only He can mend us in a fashion that is truly fitting for our story.  Let the heartbreak and the scars become a true representation of the person that you are and let the One who knows you best and SEES every single scar and broken piece be the One who shines thru you the brightest!  We may not be the same person we were, but then I don't want to be that person any more.  This me knows and understands a little more and this me is much more connected to the God who cancels out all those shadows and crippling darkness in my life.  Instead of looking back and regretting and wishing things hadn't been so difficult, I'd rather look back and see the ways in which God was working, molding, and at times allowing the pain and the brokenness.  Yes, he ALLOWS us pain and suffering sometimes!  He built us for the journey and gave us the greatest hope in the midst of difficulty...Himself!  We need only lay down our fears and self-loathing at His feet and trust that He built us for something incredible!

Let light shine out of the darkness

                                           2 Corinthians 4:6

My Favorite Things

We have almost reached our 6 week mark with the boys and life has changed beyond belief.  I would like to report that things are going just beautifully and that we're just loving our new role but I think any parent would think I was living in a fantasy world if I said so and my husband would probably seriously consider getting my head checked out as that is definitely NOT where we are at right now.  We are in what I call survival mode.  That point in your life when you feel like you're one paddle away from drowning, we can keep bobbing, but don't expect it to always look graceful because graceful isn't on the radar right now...it is simply about

SURVIVING!

So in an attempt to brighten my mood I'm going to share about some of my favorite things.  Things that now that I'm part of the mommy club, I'm sure most can relate with.  One of my most favorite things right now is THIS...

...MY closet!!!

This has quickly become my absolute favorite room in the house!  It is a room all to myself and it just makes me feel calm and happy when I walk into it.  I find my zen in this room, I get dolled up in this room, it smells clean and is has some of my favorite things in it.  Like that ottoman, for example, I love to sit there and put my shoes on.  The vanity, where I can sit quietly in my room with my favorite pandora station and get prettied up or sit with my computer.  Those marathon medals I worked so hard for...at least I got medal for that marathon, ain't no medal for the mommy marathon!  My favorite pair of sparkly heels.  The beautiful jewelry my husband showers me with.  There are so many reasons I love this room!!  It is completely ME!  Yes, I do understand all my ME statements make me sound a little selfish right now and I can honestly say, that is NOT my intention.  This room is simply my "happy" many days when I desperately need to find a measure of joy and happiness.

THE Closet came about this past spring after that horribly wonderful thing called Pinterest.  In looking for a better solution for our tiny, shared closet issues I saw these amazing closets and got the idea that I'd love to turn a room in our house into my own closet...an ENTIRE room!  So we took the room we would have used for a nursery and transformed it.  My husband was completely on board with my idea and has been great about helping me transform it.  (I truly found a diamond in the rough in that man!!!  He's one of a kind!)  I wanted to take my time and come up with the right concept for what I was looking for.  There are SO many ideas out there and directions to go, but I wanted it to look similar to the picture in my head.  Picking colors is always the hardest part for me because I don't enjoy painting so I want to get it done right the first time.   After asking one of my amazing friends what I should do, she suggested I do Tiffany colors and her suggestion was just PERFECT!!  It just fell into place from there and I had a vision in what I wanted.  Nothing like a little Breakfast at Tiffany's to make one happy.  I've so enjoyed finding little pieces here and there to continue to complete the look of my room.  It didn't all come together at one time and it's still not complete, but that's part of the fun.  I recently added the chandelier and it is another one of my favorite parts of this room.  It adds sparkle in all the right places!

So this transformation happened this spring prior to even meeting the boys and my comment has been..."we figured the baby thing wasn't going to happen so let's do with this room what WE want and then God looked down and laughed."  One of the first questions from MANY when they found out about the boys was, "Are you keeping the closet?"  I SURE AM!!!  I NEED a place to go where I can recharge and feel it's my own space.  Every parent needs that!!  So welcome to my space...please don't stand on the ottoman, leave your own shoes at the door, and don't touch!  Ooops sorry, I forgot I wasn't talking to the kids for a second.  

My hubby was great about letting me purchase a closet system for this closet and it's been just grand!  And my New York sign was a great find!  I had my eye on it a few weeks before I actually purchased it, even had it in my cart, and put it back because the price just wasn't right for me.  I figured if I really wanted it, I wouldn't forget it was there and go back if I felt it was right for me.  Well, I just couldn't find something even close to it, so I went back and bought it...on clearance this time!!  Score!!

I wanted to be creative about what I hung on my walls.  I wanted New York, Paris, kind of a fashion theme for the room.  So I took designer bags I had and framed them.  (Again another Pinterest idea)  And with the help of my amazing Mom, they found their way on the wall without me screwing it up completely!

Truer words have never been spoken.  :) 

(My husband disagrees.)

I had this all figured out in my head, it was all about getting the right pieces for my room.  This mirror was kind of a long time coming.  I had been using a long broken mirror for months until I came across the right mirror for the right price.

Jamie has amazing taste in jewelry and I don't get jewelry all the time...please don't think we are rolling in the dough, he's also a great bargain hunter!  The price tag doesn't give it any less meaning.  He gave me this necklace when we got the boys and it's one of my favorites.  The diamond in the middle moves and catches the light.

And there is the man himself!  He is by far one of my favorite things!!  He knows just when I need him most and I've discovered that not only are we soulmates, but we make amazing teammates when it comes to parenting.  He IS my better half and one amazing daddy.

These have also become two of my favorite things!  I am amazed at how much crappier my life has gotten...I mean that in the literal sense.  We have dealt with more poop in the last 6 weeks than I have my entire nursing career and that's saying something!!  I'm weary of the bathroom problems...I'm exhausted from attempting to pull at every straw we have to try and curb some of the behaviors.  We are realizing that it will most definitely get worse before it gets better.  That thought alone makes my insides churn and I find myself rocking in my seat trying to hold onto the little bit of sanity I have left.  This journey IS NOT easy...it IS NOT fun...it HAS NOT been a joy.  This is simply our reality right now.  So therefore, sometimes I calmly (outwardly at least, inside I'm a trembling mess) close the bedroom door to a screaming, out of control child...this is after spending over an hour listening to another sob and yell at me for making him scrub his soiled underwear...and walk to my fridge, find this sweet gem and a corkscrew and enjoy a glass of bubbly happy.  If anything it helps to calm the anxiety so I can at least fall asleep without spending hours tossing and turning because of the guilt in feeling like a horrible parent.

(Disclaimer: no, this does not happen every night, only occasions when necessary!)

Our reality right now is very much nut shelled in the above paragraph.  Things have definitely gotten worse since we first got the boys and while they tell you there will be a honeymoon period, which is definitely NOT anything like a honeymoon, they are right!  This is a place for me to be vulnerable and honest, so I'm gonna lay it out there.  No, I do not enjoy being a mommy right now. I would do just about anything to go a week without having to hear mommy a zillion times in a day.  (Yes, I've tried telling them that mommy isn't here...they've caught on and now ask, "Is Sally here today, mommy?")  I miss my quiet house.  I miss just picking up and going where I wanted to go.  Yes, we do have occasional moments of joy but at present they are few and far between and that is truly not my being pessimistic, this is quite frankly our reality.  We knew it wasn't going to be easy.  We knew we were called to do this.  But no amount of classes or training can ever prepare you for this.  Again, not something we didn't already know.

Many parents get to know their children as they grow from infants into toddlers and then young children.  We didn't have that.  We didn't get their past, we just got the baggage they brought with them.  We are doing the best that we can at this present moment, but we are definitely struggling.  We take one day...one moment at a time.  I watched a video this morning of a dad giving his new infant a bath and my heart bled a little still wondering what that must be like.  We took these boys into our home willingly and want them here, but we moved right into discipline and the love for them is going to take time to fully develop.

We live on the prayers of many right now and so greatly appreciate the overwhelming support from so many!!!  Thank you to those who ask and then sit and listen.  Listening to us as well as getting some validation for where we are right now definitely helps!!!  Many times it's just nice to know someone is listening and truly cares.  We just want to know that we are doing a good job and that we aren't adding to their baggage or making their lives worse.  So thank you for the continued encouragement, shoulder to cry on, and as always the prayers!!!  It goes further than you may think some days!

Blessings!!

Week One Down

Wow, it is amazing how drastically ones life can change in one week!!!  We have moved past a level of exhaustion we never knew possible.  Overwhelmed??  YES!  And then some!!  I feel like I've lived the last 10 years worth of emotions all over again in one week.  The roller coaster of emotions quickly moved from a stream to a raging river.

First let me say we are all doing well and despite trying to find new normals and routines for all of us, we are slowly finding ours and figuring out how we work as a family.  A FAMILY!  I never really considered just Jamie and I family...this family concept is a strange one.  (I'm wishing I could put my facial expressions in here for a change because I feel as though I can't adequately describe life right now.)  Regardless, we are now "daddy" and "mommy" (most of the time) and as strange as it sounds and as much I don't know my heart has fully accepted it, I'm coming to a point where hearing it will illicit an immediate response rather than the initial delayed response.  I'll definitely never tire of hearing them yell "Daddy!!" when Jamie gets home.  My heart becomes this melted, gooey glob of mushy emotions.  So to answer the many messages, texts, emails, and love showered on us this week...we are doing well.  Adjusting, coping, transitioning...but doing just fine.

Second, I'd really love to put together a post titled, "The things I've learned about parenting in one week" because seriously if I had a dollar for every time I thought that this week, neither Jamie nor I would have to work!!  I had no idea how quickly the poop can pile up, how many arguments and personal disasters would occur over the silliest things, and how much more I'd grow to love my husband.  It's been eye opening to say the least, but I didn't expect anything else.  In fact many of my fears have come to life this week.

My greatest fear in all of this was that I'd regret it.  And I can't say that I regret it...it's way too early to be saying anything like that. But I've had many, many unsettling moments over the past week and that has been it's own journey.  I literally sat down at one moment to write thank you notes and I just couldn't get myself to do it, instead I sat and cried.  One of those gut wrenching cries that pulls from your soul.  It happened to be my first day at home with the kids on my own and I was petrified!!  I had no clue how to navigate this on my own.  There comes adult moments in life when you wonder how exactly did you get here...married, working, doing adult things...and you panic because suddenly you feel 5 years old and everything is screaming, there's no way you're adult enough for this!!!  I had many of those moments this week!!  How do parents do this day in and day out??  A question I've asked many this past week.

GOD...as with everything in life...GOD will see you thru it.  My older brother sent me an email this week as they too are dealing with a recent move and adding 2 foster children to their home...yikes doesn't come close to covering how I'd feel about that.  But his one comment to me was this...

You weren't built for this but HE is!

Truer words were never spoken!!  My mom also posted a song on my FB page by Amanda Cook, called Heroes and my favorite line in the song...

You taught my feet to dance upon disappointment and I will worship.

I don't want to make it sound like I'm depressed about our current situation or disappointed about it.  Both Jamie and I are trying to find out our new norm in this, along with that means letting go of old norms...time to ourselves without little people needing our every attention every minute; enjoying time together without falling asleep the minute we crawl into bed; simply losing the independence we once had.  11 years to ourselves is a long time to build routines and to have that uprooted in one night is a shock to the system.  It takes time to let go of what we once had and embrace the new.  As much as we wanted children, I had come to a peace about where we were and now to change that plan on us, let's just say I had to embrace that much quicker than the time it took to finally feel a peace about not having children.  We've taken a HUGE leap of faith!  So yes, my feet have had to dance upon disappointment this week.  In time we'll build a new routine and find that we got this, but for now we are still calming the nerves and fears that come to any new parent.  For now we rest in GOD knowing that He has our best intentions as well as their best intentions in mind.

On that note, I'd like to share the last night Jamie and I had as just a family of 2.  I had to work the day before I had to go and pick them up and I think that was good because it kept my mind and heart from having a complete panic attack.  We wanted to make the house into a welcome home party for them, so we went out to get balloons when I got home.  In talking we decided on a last minute night out and he took me to Olive Garden.  Not the fanciest but special to us as it was the place we had our last date the night before we said I Do.  When we got home he told me to shower and then he had something special planned for me.  Now let me tell you, I loved that man a whole heap before, this past week watching him rise to each occasion, I've grown to love him more and it started with this night together!!  Indeed he had something special for us...he had a fire crackling in the fire place and our favorite movie, "P.S. I Love You", in the DVD player.  Ya know that ooey gooey mess my heart was before, yeah, I'm still trying to get that melted mess outta the carpet!!  It just felt like a perfect evening for us and I soaked it up!!  An evening by the fire with the one I love...I didn't think it could get any better.  I was wrong!!  He has gone above and beyond any expectations I ever had in him as a husband and a father!  He has rolled in like a gentle wave and completely takes the fears and stress and absorbs them.  I'm amazed at how much more I love him now than just a week ago...I didn't think it was possible!!

I know, enough of the mushy stuff.  Ok, ok so I'd like to just say thank you to the many people who have reached out to us this week and have covered us in thoughts and prayers!!!  We would NOT be able to do this without the outpouring of love and support and encouragement from all of you!  We have felt the prayers and ask for continued prayers as we continue to transition.  May your lives be blessed for the absolute blessing you've been to our family!!

THANK YOU!!

Update

Since our announcement 2 weeks ago, we have been flooded with more encouragement and love than we ever dreamed possible.  The overwhelming support from those around us has been such a blessing and has greatly helped the pre-child jitters we are definitely experiencing.

I thought that I should send out an update as I know a lot are curious as to where things are at by now.  We continue to wait for clearances with our foster approval.  One final step before we get the official OK.  We had to obtain clearances from every state we lived in...of course Montana's was back in a day. Maryland hasn't been so swift.  I have no idea at this point what kind of time frame we are looking at once this happens.  I do plan to take some time off of work to help with the transition.

OK so my blog has always been a sounding board for me and I figure why stop now.  You get the nitty gritty raw me that some don't always see.  While we are excited and thrilled about the boys coming into our home, I continue to battle with the immense fear and apprehension about this hugely life changing event.  And then to wrap my head around the fact that we will be parents...PARENTS!?!  I word I never truly associated with our world.  It seems bizarre and so unlike us.  I mean, come on, parenting just didn't seem in the cards for us!  And now we've elevated that from nothing to 3.  My poor heart is having quite the emotional battle; weekly, daily, hourly, minute by minute I battle with feeling as though we aren't ready or even if have what it takes to be parents.

I've been told quite often lately that every parent feels that way.  Guess I just never imagined us being lumped in with the parenting crowd.  We've gone from 11 years of me and him, through thick and thin, the good and bad and even ugly, but it's remained just us...and the tumbleweeds...now we are expanding on that.  One day my house will be quiet and we will go to bed as just a family of 2 and the next day we'll welcome in 3 and go to bed as a family of 5!!  How do people do this??  How do you prepare for this??  I'm so afraid I'll be miserable.  I fear I'll look back and just want my quiet days back.  I know that it will make for days like that...every parent experiences days like that.  But my fear is that every day will be like that.  I don't know what to expect.  I don't even know how to feel.  The gamete of emotions we've experienced in the last month alone have been exhausting!!

Well I guess it's like marriage, for better or for worse we are on this journey together and I'm anxious to see how my feelings, emotions, and blog posts will be after a year.  I know we will mess up and we'll make horrible mistakes as parents, but we desire to be good parents for these boys and to make their lives better.  How I hope we can be good parents.  For now we are resting in God's perfect timing and absolutely soaking up every quiet, independent moment we have together and enjoying the calm before the storm.  Ah, what a storm it will be but ya know I've always enjoyed a good thunderstorm...so bring it on!

Thank you for all the support, advice, love, donations, and the continued encouragement!!!  Thank you just doesn't seem like enough for the way in which so many have blessed our lives.  The excitement from everyone has been so helpful in keeping us from drowning in the apprehension of it all.  Those who already believe in us as parents, I can't thank you enough!!  We could never do it without the army of people standing behind us and cheering us on.  We pray you too may be blessed for the kindness and love you've showered on us.

THANK YOU!!

Announcing...

Well we are finally doing it!  We are making the BIG announcement we've always dreamed of.  That's right...we are adding to our family of two and expanding to a family of five!

Yep you heard me right, I said

FIVE!! 

This has been quite another journey for us and will continue to be a journey but we are thrilled to share where God has taken us the past three months.

Three months ago this wasn't even a thought process for us.  We were continuing on with the two of us and I won't lie, I was perfectly fine with where God had us.  We were finally wrapping our brains around it being just us and it was honestly sitting just fine with us.  Yes, there are always times we would wonder and wish that life had been different for us but the more we moved thru life the more we enjoyed having just us.  Yet again God went and changed the agenda for us.  I'd be lying if I said I haven't dealt with a few moments of anger at God for changing the plans on us again.  I mean we were finally OK with US, why did we have to change that??  But if we've learned anything we learned that God works in His time, not ours.

The path of infertility never had adoption completely off the radar, we just felt that if it would be for us it would have to be the right situation.  We just couldn't afford all the adoption costs and again, I just felt that if it was God directed, then it would have to be the right circumstance.  But it was never an idea we were closed off to.  Around Mothers Day this year we had a family gathering for my family and little did we know it would be a life changer for us.  My older brother Mike and his wife Maegan had been approved for foster care within the last year and while we thought they were mildly crazy for it, we also knew they always had a heart for adoption or fostering and stood behind them 100%.  Yes, they're a busy family, but they are both phenomenal parents and have a true heart for kids.  Over the past year we've had some extra little people to welcome in as they have done some short term fostering.  This particular dinner they happened to have two little boys they were keeping for the weekend for another family.  (There are three boys but my brother and SIL were only able to take two.  You can only have 6 children in your home at a time when fostering...we've learned quite a lot during this whole process.) The family that is fostering the boys happen to also be close friends with my brother and SIL and Jamie and I happen to know the family as we had connections with them growing up.  As my family tends to do, we just welcomed these boys in that evening and they just seemed to "fit in" with our crazy clan.  As the evening went on Jamie and I as well as my parents began asking questions about them and found out that they may be up for adoption soon.

We also found out that foster to adopt meant a very different picture financially in terms that we could definitely afford.  We are in no means doing this for the money!  But one of our issues with adoption was the big financial issue...how would we afford it??  Our hearts also didn't seem to be pulled in that direction in the last 10 years.  Well that changed after one evening with these boys...oh man, did it ever change!!  We felt the pull, we felt God's hand pointing us down another road and sending us in a completely different direction.  It was as much a surprise to us as anyone else!

So after talking it over and praying about it I contacted the agency they were currently with and told them we were interested in fostering to adopt if possible.  Talk about airing your dirty laundry for all to see!  This process sure isn't for the faint of heart or those who like their privacy and I sure do like my privacy!!
  What are your thoughts on discipline?
What was your childhood like?
Do you have the adequate number of smoke detectors?
How do you cope with stress?
Does your doctor, your neighbor, your close friends, your 3rd grade teacher think you're qualified to be a parent?
Do you like cheese on your sandwiches?

OK so that last one wasn't one of the questions but it barely stopped at that.  I fully understand why we were asked these questions but it doesn't make getting asked them any easier.  And when it seems as though any Tom, Dick, or Harry can procreate and pop out a baby whether they have the funds, a stable home, or even care about the child while we have to go thru the tedious task of submitting a mound...yes, it was a mound...of paperwork, give our John Hancock more times than we care to count, and attend classes, well you can guess the bitterness that can accompany all of this.  Yep, I sure am bitter about some of it.  Yep, I'm angry about the process at times.  Absolutely I've questioned what in THE SAME HILL are we thinking?!?!?

But in the end, it's those little faces we've continued to see thru it all...

It's those little faces...these little personalities that we are falling in love with.  This whole process hasn't been the norm but we don't do normal so why stop now.  We've had the fortunate opportunity to spend several days with them here and there and get to know them better and vice versa.  And it would seem as though they too are enjoying spending time with us.  They haven't wanted to go back home several times we've spent a day together and we just can't find the right words to explain why we can't keep them overnight.  (It's not an option until we are officially approved from the agency.)  But we have been so blessed by the family they are with right now who have been such a huge help thru this whole process!!  They have been so wonderful in allowing us unlimited time with them and have tried from the very beginning to make both us and them comfortable with one another.  We are so grateful for the influence they've had in the boys lives and for their amazing support thru all of this!!

We had some wonderful conversations with the boys so far and have greatly enjoyed getting to know them.  We, as well as my family, are definitely getting quickly attached.  The best conversation so far was with the oldest.  They had asked me earlier in the day if we had any children and I said no and they immediately wanted to know why.  "Well, we wanted children but God just never gave us children.  We would love to have kids."  The wheels must have been turning because he brought it up again after the other two were down for a nap.  He asked me again if we had any kids and after I answered, he immediately responded with, "Hey, I know!!  WE could be your kids!"
Insert jaw hitting the floor...and no idea how to respond.  We, nor the family they're with now, have told them any of this process or that we are hoping to one day adopt them.  We felt it wasn't fair to them after all they've had to go thru in their little lives already.  But children are sure not dumb and I think they are picking up on all of this.  They just want a place to settle down, a place to call home permanently.  Our hearts break with what they've had to endure already on their short time on earth.  Those moments when the doubts begin to creep in and we seriously wonder how we'll be able to handle such a huge change to our lives and wonder if we'll even be good parents...we see those faces and we're reminded that they deserve so much more.  We long to give them wonderful childhood memories, to fill their lives with love, and to open our home and welcome in the family we've always dreamed of having.  It's difficult sometimes to feel like we've missed parts of their lives but a line from a movie recently ran thru my head and reminded me that we may not have their past but we have their future and we have the opportunity to change their world.

And so our lives will go from just to two of us to toys all over the floor, a car full of carseats, peanut butter and jelly in the cracks of the dining room chairs, crayon marks on the walls (yep, they've already made their marks on the house), exploring the creek out front with cowboy hats and flashlights, listening to Elsa belt out "Let It Go" from the car speakers, and handprints on the mirrors.  But we'll also have snuggles during movie time, endless hugs and kisses, and hearing mommy and daddy uttered for the first time...and in those moments we'll know that this is what we were built for, that this was the journey we were meant to travel...the road that would bring them to us and us to them.  And we'll fall into bed exhausted, tired beyond belief, but happier than we've ever been.

We would appreciate continued prayers and support as we will hopefully be welcoming them into our home by the end of the month and then hopefully eventually transition from fostering to adoption.  It won't be easy and we're scared to death but we've been overwhelmed but the outpouring of love, support, and encouragement from those closest to us who have known about the process.

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway" -John Wayne

Here's to saddling up and welcoming 3 more little cowboys along for the ride!

It Is Well

Hmm, the title of this post has, I will humbly admit, not always been the song of my heart.  How do we begin to say "It is well, God" when our hearts feel far from the calm and peace of "it is well"?  Where does the healing begin when the pieces of our lives feel so utterly out of place and removed from where we ever thought we'd be?  Yet here we are, again given the simple reality in choosing to either complain about the circumstances or say "it is well" and allow God to work in and through us.

In many ways I feel like my life has been quite the journey.  I'm sure compared to what some must face...losing a child... or losing a husband... or a house burning with everything I own...to many, my journey has not compared.  But it has been MY journey; OUR journey.  We have endured sitting in a doctors office and being told after years of wanting that our chances of conceiving are less than 1%.  We've moved everything we've owned to halfway across the country, far from anything familiar or comfortable and felt the heartache in seeing dreams change.  We've been through the struggle of moving time and again, desperately longing to just call some place home.  We've again faced the reality of infertility and the disappointment each failed treatment leaves in it's wake.  The utter frustration and lonely pain in desiring to fill our arms with children and time and again God gently saying no.

BUT...we HAVE seen His true blessings upon our lives.  The joy in welcoming nieces, nephews, and god children!  We've experienced the beauty of watching lighting from atop a hill and seeing it EVERYWHERE around us, and sunsets that go on for miles!  We have discovered the joy and sense of peace that comes in owning our own home!  We've found that a family isn't just those you're related to or about how many children you have, but sometimes the most unexpected additions are friends!  Most of all we've seen God's miracles working and through our lives and by putting aside my own desires and saying, "God, it is well with  my soul, Your will be done," I've discovered the biggest miracle of all.  You see for almost 9 years now I've been praying for God to work a miracle in our lives.  And I have to admit in all that praying that I still wanted God to give me the one thing I thought would complete my life...a baby.  I wasn't willing to completely give Him everything because I needed to hang onto that...I still needed to control that request...to hold onto it because that was what I wanted.  But God works in mysterious ways and He works in His own ways.  It's not about my timing and no matter how entitled I feel, God owes me nothing...NOTHING!  But through all of the muck and the storms He has graciously provided for me.  It may not have been exactly what I had asked for, but He ALWAYS faithfully provided.  And He recently provided for me in a BIG way!

So here it is the BIG miracle I've been praying for all these years!  I've continued to ask God to either bless me with children but if children weren't part of His big plan for my life then He was going to need to give me peace about not having children.  A peace about never seeing my husband...this precious, wonderful man who I dearly love...never be a daddy...to experience that moment I've seen SO many experience in the delivery room that moment after a baby is born.  That realization that they are now parents.  A peace in never filling the room I had always envisioned to be our nursery with pink or blue.  A peace in never hearing "I love you mommy".  It was a tall order to fill and one that comes from a desperate heart just longing to fill the empty spaces deep within with a true purpose and meaning.

And He ANSWERED my prayers!!  That peace that I've been longing to feel has slowly begun fill in those empty spaces in my heart and I've felt a renewed sense of energy that I haven't felt in a long, long time!!  I can finally feel like I can breathe again!!  I can truly say that it IS well with my soul!!!  I can sing that from the depths of my heart and truly mean it.  Through it all He has richly blessed our lives and given us so many unimaginable gifts.  I heard this song recently and it truly spoke to me.  It makes me realize the humble, meager person I am compared to the greatness of God.  I am nothing without Him.  And even though I can't see the big picture and I don't understand the direction my journey has taken me, He does, and if I lay my fears, my worries, and my desires at His feet and allow Him to use me for His will and purpose, I am promised I will not be disappointed. I am promised the freedom to be able to truly sing from my heart, "It is well, Lord."

I want my life to have meaning and purpose.  I want to make a difference in this world and so often I feel that I fall so short of that.  That despite being a nurse and constantly being involved in so many lives that I still don't seem to make an impact, to truly touch the lives of those I come in contact with.  I feel so inadequate because I can't really relate with those I take care of.  I hate the misconception I hear so many times when I answer the question "Do you have children?" and the response I often hear after saying no, "You see all the pain everyone has to go through and wouldn't want to go through that."  Little do they see the internal pain I deal with on a daily basis helping to bring their miracles into the world, handing over their baby, and offering a tiny "congratulations" while continuing to only ever imagine and dream what that would be like for me and my husband to experience that.  Little do they realize how so far from the truth that is.  Little do they understand that while having children may certainly have been a choice for them, it definitely wasn't a choice for me...I didn't chose this journey or this path.  Yet God, in His infinite wisdom, built me for this journey and these circumstances.  And He has promised that He will see us through the storms.  Life isn't meant to be perfect and we are in fact promised hardships, but we serve a God who can move mountains with faith the size of a mustard seed.  So I am going to trust in His beautiful plan for me and trust that no matter how small and insignificant I may feel at times, especially in the reality that motherhood may never come to me, I am going to sing out IT IS WELL and allow God to use me as part of His plan, not mine.

It IS well with my soul!!

From 1 to 26.2

I have been excited about posting this particular post for several months now.  The marathon is done!!  All of the hard work, long hours of training, and perseverance leading up to the marathon all made crossing the finish line a goal worth training for!!

The morning of the marathon arrived after little sleep and much nervous excitement and before I knew it we were heading down to the start line.  You know that moment before you're about to do something big and you're so excited your insides get quivery and excited too and then your bladder goes into overdrive and you think for certain you have to pee and when you do it's just a drop but 5 minutes later you have to pee again...yep that was me...in compression pants no less which makes putting yourself back together a big challenge and even harder to ignore your nervous bladder.  Oh boy, what a way to start your day!

Ben had amazingly found us a hotel room just a few weeks before that was literally right at the start/finish line which we were all thrilled about.  It meant less walking at the beginning and end...win-win for all involved!  Sadly the week prior to the race the Tate's got a call that the house they are renovating had burned down and a large majority of their belongings with it.  We weren't sure if they were going to be able to come down for the race so we felt honored that they still wanted to attend the race with us.  As it was Ben, Kristen (who was 35 weeks pregnant at the time and had strep), and I had all been fighting nasty colds the week leading into the race which presented some challenges for all of us.

The crowd of people running the race was absolutely MASSIVE!!  But it was absolutely amazing to be part of something so huge!  I had registered myself in the blue corral which was the last group to start.  They started us in waves because of the sheer size of the crowd of runners.  We didn't cross the start line until 30 minutes after the race actually began.  But I was pumped!!

 I was determined to enjoy this as much as I could and to keep smiling.  The above picture was taken around mile 12.  We had met up with Kristen and Jamie at about mile 8 and then again at mile 13.  We ran almost nonstop for the first half.

 From there on things kinda went downhill for me and not in a good way.  I wasn't sure if it was nerves, dehydration, or my body still recovering from earlier in the week but the nausea hit around mile 14.  Ben was gracious enough to walk the last half with me.  Every time it passed and we started to run again, the nausea kicked back in.  I was absolutely miserable, but Ben kept us moving and thankfully never asked if I wanted to quit.  There was several moments when I asked myself why I'd willingly do this and wondered just how crazy I was when I thought I'd try THIS as a goal.  But we just kept walking...up those stinkin' hills, pushing through the pain, trying to just stay vertical.  There were several points throughout the race when I just had to vocalize out loud to myself that I CAN DO THIS.  I got the surprise of my life at mile 24...Papa Smurf was waiting there for me!!  It was the pick-up I needed to keep my feet moving and because we were walking he was able to walk the rest of the way with us.  It was so fun to share those last few miles with him beside me!

Finally...we crossed the finish line 6 hours and 55 min after we started!!  That moment is one that will stick with me forever!  It's a moment when you realize you can finally stop and what a sheer relief that is.  I remember looking over to see my hubby, my parents and Kristen all cheering...they had wanted this as much as I did!  And then EVERYTHING hurt!!!  But it was a hurt I was happy to tolerate.  I also have to mention that Ben stuck with me through the entire race!!  I offered several times for him to run ahead so he could get a better time and every time he refused.  He said we are running together and we aren't running for the time but we are going to just have fun.  He wore his marathon maniac's shirt and we had several runners mention it and want to know if he was running with me.  It made me realize how amazingly supportive the running community is.  There were people cheering for us that didn't know us...runners along the way who told us to keep it up...police and emergency workers clapping and cheering us on.  

We kept passing runners who were done, proudly wearing their medals, and I kept wondering if I'd ever get mine.  And we did!!

It may just be a piece of medal and some ribbon but it represents so much for me.  This journey in running wasn't just about getting into shape or running but it provided me with the opportunity to finally set a goal I could achieve...one I had, for the most part, control over.  It just took me getting up off the couch that first time, putting on my running shoes, and saying I am going to do this!  I am not the fastest runner, nor the world's greatest athlete, but I set out to accomplish something great and pushed through and did it.  Each milestone along the way represented an achievement...a small victory towards achieving that goal.

I could not have accomplished this without the amazing support of my family and friends though.  My incredible hubby who helped get me moving at the beginning of my training and was my biggest cheer leader.  He run with me some days, listened to me whine, came out to check on me during some of my long runs, and made my dream a priority.  The Tate's were amazing and gave not only time that weekend but time leading up as Ben was out running and training as well, while poor Kristen and Elli were waiting at home some days for daddy to get the Sam Hill done with his running.:)  To have their support through this was truly a gift!  Taryn, a co-worker and friend who not only inspired me along with Ben but also helped with my training schedule and was a wonderful resource and encouragement through it all.  And my parents, who cheered and encouraged me every step of the way!!  It was wonderful to have them there at the finish and to share this huge achievement with them.  My mom was out there helping with my long runs...checking on me, pushing me, and allowing me to mooch her whirlpool tub after my runs.  So many people were the backbone in making this a success!!!  I truly felt blessed by the love and support I got through it all.

Here is a photo Jamie took after I finished running my first mile.  I was so out of breath and could barely walk till I was done, but I ran the whole thing.  I wondered then how I would ever get through 26.2!

Last but not least one of the scrub techs at work also ran the Philly half marathon that weekend.  There were about 34,000 runners so we never saw each other there and we didn't realize we were both there until we were at work together that following week.  At the suggestion of one of the nurses we wore the shirts we got from the race and our medals for a photo op.  It was so fun to share this with someone else at work!  Way to go, Stacey!!

My deepest thanks to all who played a role in making this happen for me and to the many who supported me through it!  I definitely want to run another marathon and I'm hoping it's something Jamie and I can experience together sometime.  To those who wonder if they can run or may feel inspired by this...I wasn't running 12 months ago, in fact it wasn't even a thought in my head at the beginning of the year.  But I will say it was definitely the absolute toughest and coolest thing I've ever experienced.  It takes motivation to get out there and train, and trust me I hugely lack motivation in my life, but if I can do it, anyone can!!  There are also people who may never get the opportunity to run and have the use of their legs like I do.  It just takes getting up the first time and moving even when you don't feel like it.  The end result is worth the time and pain it takes!