Goals

This Mother's Day turned out to be an odd day for my family but it also resulted in some great photo ops with the nieces and nephews.  I certainly felt blessed this Mother's Day although I have yet to attach the word mother to my life.  We were blessed with some wonderful unexpected time with my parents and got to enjoy a great church service with them and I do enjoy celebrating my mom on Mother's Day, instead of focusing on the negatives that Mother's Day can bring to those of us who aren't able to be mom's.

I also got a wonderful reception from the above 3 as they came running through the door at Grammy's house.  I got a flower from them and Isaac went running out to mommy stating, "Mommy, Aunt Jess is here!"  Always brightens my day to know they enjoy time with me.  I had friends who sent me special messages acknowledging the day in my terms which is always so comforting.  And then we got to spend time with the Tate's helping them pack up their house as they prepare to tear down and add an addition to their home.  I even got a sweet Auntie card from Elli for Mother's Day...we so enjoy our time, no matter how it's spent, with them!!  I think one of comments every time we leave that we are still amazed at how much our friendship with the Tate's is so comfortable for both of us.  We are so blessed by the the many friends in our life and are so thankful God has placed us where He has!

All of that to say that even though I am not a mom, I too felt so loved yesterday.  Thank you to the many who in some way reached out and made me feel loved!

So while at my Mom's I told the kids we were gonna go outside for a little and enjoy the sunshine while Pappy was finishing his grand meal...that Pappy sure can cook..we LOVE coming home to eat!  I asked these 3 if I could get a picture of the 3 of them and without posing them this is what I got...this NEVER happens!!

I was also able to get a few candids and the photo below just makes me giggle...this is so Isaiah...kid makes me laugh.

And Elli, the girl so loves spending time with people but she sure can march to the beat of her own drum.

I hadn't seen these 3 in forever!!  It was so nice to see all of them again but we sure didn't get to spend enough time with them.  I also got a chance to spend a little time with them outside and got some great pictures.

And don't let these 2 girls fool you...they look all sweet and innocent and best of friends in the photo below but they often need to be separated.  Ah the joy of sisterhood...something I have no reference for and sometimes I'm grateful I didn't.  But I do love these pictures and do love these kids!!  So thankful for the chance to see them again!

And last but not least, I titled this "Goals" for a reason.  Another great addition to my weekend was the run I had on Saturday.  After watching Ben and Taryn finish the last marathon and standing at the finish line seeing all those people come across the finish somehow sparked a desire to "know".  I've been wanting to do something to get into shape for quite some time, but never had a clear goal in mind and it's so hard to find the motivation to just simply get up and get out.  Well I've found my motivation!  I am planning on running a full marathon this coming November.  I started training last week, thanks to the help of Ben and Taryn!  Taryn came up with a training schedule for me to start and Saturday my challenge was to run a mile without stopping.  My body was ready to quit after the first 0.2 miles and I felt like the end of that little mile would never get there but I DID IT!!  I never enjoyed running but I've found a new sense of happiness and motivation in something I never dreamed I'd do!  My attitude has changed so much over the last 2 weeks and I'm in no way saying this journey will be easy but I'm so excited about reaching this goal and about the positives it's brought to my life.  I've come to the conclusion that trying to achieve the goal of getting pregnant the last 7 years has been daunting and has wore me down.  While attaining that goal has been out of my hands, I've discovered that setting a goal I KNOW I can accomplish has brought about a happiness and joy I haven't felt in 7 years!!  Jamie is hoping to run with me and has been my greatest cheerleader thus far, but I've also had many who are amazingly supportive so far and I'm truly blessed to have many who care!  I'm hoping to blog about my running journey and need to get some pictures on here, so stay tuned for more!

"I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength"

And to my wonderful Mom who has cheered me through all of life's journeys, storms, and challenges, I would not be the woman I am today without your amazing support, love, and devotion!!  I'm a better person because of the sacrifices and love you selflessly give.  I am so thankful for the friendship that has grown since my childhood and feel so blessed to call you one of my closest and dearest friends as well as MY Mom!!  I love you so much, Mom!!

And a Happy Belated Nurses Week to all my nurse friends!!

26.2...NOT a Bible verse!

Team Brown was at it again today!  Jamie and I got to follow along with Mrs Tate and Elli as we chased Mr Tate along his marathon course.  

Go Daddy Go!! Kristen and I spent most of the afternoon on Tuesday making t-shirts to support Mr Tate.  Had it not been for the "genius" who couldn't use the darn iron we may have been done before supper time.  But regardless we were quite proud of our creations.

Little Miss Pigtails

Man down!  Poor Elli needed a little breather before moving on to the next cheer point.

My friend Taryn was also running the race today and I was excited to cheer her on as well!!  GO Taryn!!

Elli cheered from quite a few locations...the ditches along the road, inside the van, on top of Uncle Jamie's shoudlers...she was a hopping little cheer bunny today...especially when Daddy came on through.

She was still cheering/hopping even as he ran on...gotta love the girl's enthusiasm!

Ben got support even on the phone.  He got to say a quick hello to his boss and close friend, Kasey.  

We followed this guy throughout the course and he became our lookout for Ben, knowing Ben wasn't too far behind this guy and his furry friend.

Here he comes!!!  So excited and relieved to have finished his 5th full marathon before his 30th birthday which happens to be this week.

Taryn made it despite not feeling totally prepared to run.  She told me she was planning to back out until the bombings happened at the Boston Marathon.  She decided she would still run in support of those from Boston.  It's amazing to see how many people come together to cheer and support many they don't know and encourage them in their dedication in sticking with the course...a course that was 26.3 miles, NOT 26.2!  So proud of the runners I knew today and their hard work in making it across that finish line!  Congrats, Ben and Taryn!!

For those curious, the saying on the t-shirt came from a blonde moment I had while shooting a wedding with Ben.  I questioned what the 26.2 sticker meant on the back of his car and wondered what Bible verse it was.  He started laughing and informed me it wasn't a Bible verse but the miles in a full marathon.  We still laugh about that.

I'd also like to mention how proud I am of Kristen.  She got accepted into a doctorate of nursing program for this Fall.  Congrats to Ben on achieving his goal of 5 before 30 and on Kristen for reaching high!!  So proud of you both!

Mr Tate Runs a Race

"Mr Colors"

I was asked recently if I wanted to come and help cheer on our good buddy, Ben, as he ran his 4th marathon on a quest to run 5 full marathons before he turns 30.  What a beautiful day for a marathon!!  As a returning cheer-meister for Team Brown I had been looking forward to this Saturday all week.  Unfortunately Jamie had to work to the disappointment of poor Elli.  Our morning began bright and early. (I wouldn't get up early for just anyone, just so ya know, Tate's :))  I don't believe Elli was quite awake at the beginning of the race but let me tell you it didn't take long to her cheer on!  I think she was her daddy's biggest fan and probably the only one that could have been able to make him break stride throughout the run.

As Team Brown we are required to station ourselves at different points throughout the course to cheer on our runner...high fives are also important and along with her hugs, Elli had plenty of high fives to go around.  Getting some extra support from Mrs Tate as she ran along beside him for a short...VERY short...leg of the run was also important in keeping moral going to complete the marathon.

A short pause for some daddy/daughter love...the smile on Elli's face says it all!

 We had plenty of time to drive to different parts of the course to keep Team Brown moving along to the finish line.  Time for smiles with Mommy and photos of poor teams who seemed to have a touch of dyslexia (thankfully a kind soul told them their letters were mixed up)...

...and we had time to do some sttrrreeetttcchheesss that Daddy taught Elli.....

And before we knew it the red hat, orange shirt, neon shorts, and blue leggings came into view.

Elli was sooo excited..."Go Daddy Go!!"

 And finally the end is in sight!!!  "Yay, Daddy!!"

Elli got to finish the race with her daddy and her little hands in the air still cheering him on was absolutely priceless!!  Below she's using her daddy's medal as a stethoscope...guess she wanted to make sure he was okay after running those 26.2 vigorous miles.  Kristen, I guess that's one more thing she gets from you.  ;)  So glad I got to spend the day with the Tate's!!  Can't wait for marathon #5 at the end of the month, and yes Elli, Uncle Jamie will be along to cheer this time.

Worn

I heard this song recently on the Christian station in my car and felt the tears pour from my heart as it spoke to where I am right now.

Worn by Tenth Avenue North

My heart cries out with the words of this song; a broken, bruised heart begging for an answer; a desperate plea to understand God's heart through it all.  I don't have the answers and I don't understand why.  I'm struggling so deeply at present, worn from fighting a battle for which I cannot see the purpose.  My heart feels so heavy with weight of this burden I daily carry while many days I pour myself into caring for many I'd love to trade places with.  Some days the comfort of my bed and the respite from my problems that sleep provides seem like the only solution in dealing with the pain of this journey.

I don't understand and I've shouted 'Why' to God so many times.  He knows my heart, He knows the journey.  He see the bruises and the broken spirit and only He can heal.  He can mend my heart and only He can make something out of the ashes of my life.  I find myself clinging many times to a thread of hope, knowing that God's plans are greater than mine.  I don't understand why the burden of this journey was given to us but I have to keep trusting that He knows.  He knows my heart and has seen that beyond the smile on my face is a heart that is worn and bruised...and I know He's there to help mend and provide rest in the battle.

I ask only one thing, please pray for us.  This journey is a minute-to-minute struggle and I feel my faith constantly tested.  But the outpouring of love and prayers is some days the only thing that allows me to breath through the suffocating pain.  Thank you again to those who have stood by us and continually cheer on the sidelines.  Your love and support is proof that God is ever faithful and present!

His Perfect Timing

It's been quite a while since I've update anything on my blog and it's partly because I feel without pictures my blog tends to get boring and as I haven't been taking many these days I've had a lack of things to blog about.  We've also been extremely busy with our jobs, finally beginning to paint and make this house OUR own, and once again getting back in the swing of fertility treatments.  Life feels like it's been a whirlwind since the New Year!  The beginning of the year started out rather rough for me.  I found myself hung up on beginning another year and trying not to think "maybe this will be my year" for the umpteenth time.  But along with that brought about the anger stage of grief for me again and I found myself feeling such anger towards God.  Sometimes it's difficult not to wonder, why...if God is so powerful and mighty then why can't He change this for me?  He knows my hurts, He knows my deep desires...He formed me, He gave me those desires...so why in all His omnipotence can't He just make this happen for us?  Why do I have to endure the pain of this journey?

No matter how much I've asked this question over the last few years, I know in my heart that God doesn't operate on my timing, on my plans, or unintentionally.  His plans have my best intentions in mind and His timing is truly perfect.  He hasn't maliciously kept me from having children but He has faithfully walked every step of the way with me no matter my attitude.  We are allowed moments of anger, we are in fact human and God doesn't expect perfection, but we cannot allow the anger to become a black hole in our lives and swallow us up.  I cannot allow the anger to cover my heart with blackness...I cannot shut God out simply because things haven't happened on my time.

 Throughout the long period of waiting on God's perfect timing and trying to stay strong in my faith (something I have failed many times!) God has continued to show His true faithfulness despite the heartache.  And I've discovered that through the waiting I've learned many life lessons!  I've discovered that without the struggles and tears life brings I wouldn't have known the value of contentment.  Contentment is often found when we put aside our pride, lay down our worries, and truly allow God's work to be done through you.  Would we know contentment if life was truly perfect for us?  The storms aren't always fun to weather but how would we understand His true love and devotion to us without the need to depend on Him?  I've discovered that being happy and being joyful are two very different emotions.  "Consider it pure joy my brothers..." has a whole new meaning when you consider that joy and happiness don't mean the same thing.  I can be joyful without cracking a smile and throwing a celebration...not that being happy requires streamers and balloons.  Being joyful simply means finding good amidst the ugly, I can still bring glory to God despite feeling a deep sense of grief and pain.  Lastly, I've discovered that God in His perfect timing has always provided for every one of my needs.  I can honestly look back over the last year and although it was a tough one, I can still see God's beautiful hands among the rubble and brokenness.  God has used so many people to physically show me He has never left my side!  And this is what I share with you today.  Those acts of God have come in the form of texts at just the moment I needed them, through a plaque a dear friend gave me...

the angel of wishes, a sweet reminder that hope remains, from another dear friend...

I've seen it through my "therapy sessions" with my hairdresser...

in the little girl with blonde pigtails who calls me Aunt Jess...

through last minute lunch dates to Olive Garden or late night Denny's runs...

sent in a card full of encouragement and words of comfort...

with hand hugs :)...

in moments of pure laughter and joy in the kitchen with my husband and feeling the richness in the true gift he is to me...

and I've felt it through the arms of a mom who knows that words aren't always the solution.

I've seen God in these faces

God is ALL around me!!  He has been there when I've received the call that "unfortunately the pregnancy test was negative".  He's been there when my deepest fear of finding a polyp on the next ultrasound has come to life.  He knows my heart, my desires, and my worries.  I can't change the outcome, I can't answer the "why" questions, I can't erase time.  BUT I can praise Him even when life isn't meeting my expectations!  I will still love my God even if His plan doesn't include children for me!  I will NOT allow this to keep me from joyfully praising Him!  I guarantee there will be days I'll be angry and unhappy, I am only human and God does not expect perfection.  His grace is sufficient for me and His love and devotion are ever present!  I can survive this.

I've seen God in so many ways through the love and encouragement sent from many!  To those who have responded to His prompting and perfect timing by sending a text, card, having a last minute lunch date, or simply through a hug, I cannot say thank you enough for following His leading and reaching out!  You've impacted my life in significant ways you'll probably never know, but knowing that so many have selflessly given in such big ways provides amazing strength for the journey.

A friend recently sent me something through Facebook to encourage through this waiting journey and I wanted to share it with you.  The link is posted at the bottom of this post.  If you are struggling with a "wait" issue I pray you too will find these words as encouraging as I found them.  Blessings as you too wait on Him! 

 

Psalm 100:1-3, "Make a joyful noise to the LORD, all the earth! Serve the LORD with gladness! Come into his presence with singing! Know that the LORD, he is God! It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture." (ESV)

http://www.crosswalk.com/devotionals/encouragement/wait-training-101-encouragement-for-today-feb-22-2013.html