Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas

from our house to yours!

We hope you are all looking forward to the holidays and the blessings this season has to offer.  I was always partial to this time of year and...hold onto your fuzzy socks...THE COLD.  I know, I must be crazy!  But I know I'm not alone, I have a few crazy friends who join in my love of this season and the cold it brings.  The only thing I don't love about this time of year is the rush to find gifts for everyone.  I'm a thoughtful gift giver and feel if it doesn't have meaning behind it or it's not something that's desired, I don't want to just buy a gift to, well buy a gift.  And often I find myself feeling inadequate in finding "the perfect gift" for everyone in time.  This year in particular has been tough because my brain and time has preoccupied with the big changes we've had recently.  I started a new job this summer (and absolutely love it!), all my kids are in school this year, and we moved to a new home in October.  It's been a crazy year but as I reflect back I'm so thankful for where God has brought us in 2018.

I won't lie though, it's not been ending on a great note in our home.  I look around at the neighbors who have their beautiful Christmas lights up, the pile of Christmas cards from friends and family, the cookies and gingerbread houses I see each day on Facebook...and I wonder when I'll be able to get it together like everyone else seems to have done.  (Legit my Christmas wreath just made it to the front door last week and I just discovered a few days ago that rather than adorning my front door, it's laying face down decorating the cement on my front porch instead...it's still laying there.)  Christmas just feels somewhat messy for us this year.  I struggle with the holidays because since the boys came into our lives Christmas hasn't worked out like I hoped it would.  We typically end up with increased behavior issues with our oldest and lately our younger two seem to be blindly following his lead.  So I'm going to provide those characteristic "perfect" photos to document the fun we've had lately...because while life is messy, we have still made some really awesome memories...I'll get into the messy in sec, but fun first, so enjoy!

November 15 brought us an unexpected snowstorm and on a day I had off, so we got to try out our new sledding hill in our back yard.  (I can honestly say from my own experience, we have an amazeballs sledding hill!) We got to spend a day filled with hot chocolate, laughter, and snuggles.

We all ventured out on a cold wintery day to find the perfect 2018 Deitrick Christmas tree; a tradition we all have come to love.  Daddy always gives each of the boys a turn at "helping to cut it down"...I think he's hoping one of these years he can sit back with his coffee and give up the saw and sap.  We love visiting the same farm each year and getting a wagon ride to and from our tree picking field, complete with complimentary apples from their orchard.  Picture perfect, right?!?

 

I'm secretly hoping he never grows out of these red boots...he rocks them!

Someone always get a turn at putting the finishing touch on the tree...I'm thinking this may be the last year though, unless we get a BIG ladder, Daddy just about put his back out on this one.  (I keep telling the little buggers to stop growing and they just won't listen!)

My wonderful husband surprised me with a planned evening out for my birthday this year.  (It's literally the only gift I ask for every year and he's finally getting the hint :))  I had an opportunity to get dolled up and do my hair and wear heels!!  It was so wonderful to spend an evening alone together again and feel put together for a change.

Okie dokie, so there's the "perfect pictures" and while the descriptions of each are a true and accurate account of what happened, you're missing the messiness of life behind the scenes.  So often I'm scrolling through Facebook looking in on all the perfectness that we all love to post on Facebook but we fail to get an accurate representation of what's really going on.  Don't worry, I'll fill you in on ours, you'll be getting a front row seat...pop the corn, pull on those fuzzy socks...just leave your judgement at the door...

Those snow pictures...I was really upset and a bit bitter at 5:30 that morning when I got the phone call that school had been cancelled for the day, prior to any precipitation actually making it on the ground.  I was angry, really angry, because it was the ONE day I had two weeks prior scheduled as "MY day" after our horse therapist encouraged me to do so.  I had ONE day scheduled for me and I so needed that day and it was taken from me!!  So we went downstairs to get breakfast and I had a little chat with them and told them I was happy to share my day with them but I'd rather not spend it dealing with bad behavior...thankfully they complied for the most part and we really did enjoy our day.  But this day did end with my oldest pooping himself and then lying about it.  No matter how much I brace myself for the poor behaviors with him, it's always a disappointment.  And our snowy, white day ended on a brown disappointment.

Those Christmas tree pictures...we had a blast, but the resentment and discouragement in dealing with the same issues day in and day out with my oldest were weighing on the edge of our happiness that day.  We ran into a teacher he knows from school and his fake persona came out to chat and interact and as I typically do, I plastered on my own fake smile and cheer, giving the impression we are one happy family.  Inside my heart was bleeding and broken, wishing to scream out, 'he's being so fake' and struggling that he was giving more of himself to a stranger than he'll ever give to me, his mommy.   This event also ended in poop as well as the family get together we attended later that evening.  (Poop is a theme in our home)

The evening out with my husband...no one sees the fear and trepidation in trusting someone else to watch our kids knowing that it's often a chance for all of my kids to get away with MANY things they're not supposed to and for my oldest to play up the manipulation game.  As well as the fear in those judging how we need to parent through RAD, it's a slippery slope for me.  It's not easy to find people to watch the boys who will follow our sometimes unique set of rules because few understand the importance in keeping our boundaries tight with our children, especially our oldest, and how thin the line is between keeping his childhood trauma tendencies at bay and him losing complete control.  Thankfully that evening we did have someone to watch them that we both trust and love!  That picture is probably the most honest.

We are struggling right now.  Parenting by far is the hardest job we've both had...parenting through childhood trauma and RAD...it requires a strength some days I do not possess.  These are the days I'm grateful for the childhood I had and that I was raised in a faith-based home.  These are the days I can't take credit for making it through...these days there was only one set of footprints in the sand. But lately, YIKES!!!  Just tonight one my boys said "Mommy, sometimes we feel tempted to get back at you and we have to listen to Jesus and resist that temptation".  THIS sentence has been our biggest struggle lately.  Our children feel the need to "get back at us" and constantly control their world...and what's so discouraging is that we aren't doing anything that deserves "getting back at".  We are simply doing what we as parents are called by God to do...to teach our children right from wrong, to discipline our children, to bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord...because we LOVE them and we want the best life for them.  We aren't neglecting them, physically or emotionally scarring them, or putting our needs above theirs as their birth parents did.  Yet this need to control and "get back at us" is ever at the forefront of their world.

Since last year I've been making post-it notes to put in my kids lunch boxes.  It started with a simple note and then became a little more advanced.  It was a way that I could add a little love into their day when I wasn't there and I found I enjoyed sitting down drawing each one (FYI: I used a YouTube tutorial...I'm NO artist!) and letting a little creativity out while putting something special into each one.  School lunches have been a source of contention in our home since we got the boys and our oldest was in school.  In his need to control his world this included throwing out parts of his lunch, sometimes the whole lunch, and then lying about it...just because, it isn't that he doesn't like what I packed, it hinges on pure control and his RAD.  (Before anyone feels the need to judge, there is so much more behind all of this but I'm nut shelling here.)  CONTROL...it's like a rampant virus in our boys lives!!  Sadly I made the decision recently to stop putting the notes in their lunches...again there is so much behind this that is too long to share.  This was a carefully thought out decision and one that breaks my heart.  I did this to give love when I couldn't be with them and the boys seemed to really enjoy it each day.  We so desperately want to provide them with good childhood memories, so to remove this feels like just as much of a punishment for me as it does them.

So many days end with me feeling liked I'm failing in this parenting thing.  I spent an evening crying broken, frustrated tears last week.  We just want the best for our children, we want them to know and feel love, and our hope is to see them grow into godly young men with purpose and a heart for the Lord.  Yet somehow I feel like we are doing it all wrong when they continue to choose their own need to control over love.  The desire to "get back at us" seems stronger than the desire to love in return and to follow Jesus.  We continue to pay for the sins of their birth parents.

Where do we go with that?  There's only one answer for us...Jesus.  I'll never forget the night we first met the boys and God's clear voice that night as we drove home.  His plan was greater than our plan, we just needed to concede control over our own lives and give it to God.  I'm finding that as I continue to give God control over my life, the happier I am.  In the moments when I feel the weakest, when I go before Him and allow Him to work in my life and provide the strength and grace necessary for the moment, I'm filled with a deeper sense of peace and purpose.  The power of prayer is under appreciated in my opinion.  The above pictures also don't show the moments when we've sat with our boys and prayed together or the moments when Jamie and I prayed over their rooms.  Despite the difficulties, the brokenness, and the control issues that seem out of control at times, I'd still go back to that night in the car and give our lives to God...to sacrifice my life for theirs.  I chose that because I know that God can use our brokenness, our weakness, and our lives for His purpose and His good.

If you're anything like me and you feel so imperfect stacked among the "perfect" you see this Christmas season, know that there is always "behind the camera" that no one sees and that you're not alone.  There's brokenness, pain, and suffering.  It's easy to post the perfect; to smile when the sun shines.  It's how we chose to embrace the storms that matter more and determine our true character.  Can we trust that God can use us in our weakness and suffering or will we sit in bitterness?  The power of prayer is mighty but allowing God to use us as He sees fit...which may mean He answers your prayer with a no...that takes courage and grit.  Trusting that He is able, that despite the need for my children to control every aspect of their world, I can continue to answer His calling as their mother...bring your worst, my children, I'll still chose you and God's beautiful plan for our lives, because I love you with a fierceness only a mother can...for I will sing, it is well with my soul.

God, we give them to you and pray that you will paint a beautiful story for their lives, that they may bring you glory and honor.

"Train up a child in the way he should go: 

and when he is old, he will not depart from it." 

~Proverbs 22:6