Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas

from our house to yours!

We hope you are all looking forward to the holidays and the blessings this season has to offer.  I was always partial to this time of year and...hold onto your fuzzy socks...THE COLD.  I know, I must be crazy!  But I know I'm not alone, I have a few crazy friends who join in my love of this season and the cold it brings.  The only thing I don't love about this time of year is the rush to find gifts for everyone.  I'm a thoughtful gift giver and feel if it doesn't have meaning behind it or it's not something that's desired, I don't want to just buy a gift to, well buy a gift.  And often I find myself feeling inadequate in finding "the perfect gift" for everyone in time.  This year in particular has been tough because my brain and time has preoccupied with the big changes we've had recently.  I started a new job this summer (and absolutely love it!), all my kids are in school this year, and we moved to a new home in October.  It's been a crazy year but as I reflect back I'm so thankful for where God has brought us in 2018.

I won't lie though, it's not been ending on a great note in our home.  I look around at the neighbors who have their beautiful Christmas lights up, the pile of Christmas cards from friends and family, the cookies and gingerbread houses I see each day on Facebook...and I wonder when I'll be able to get it together like everyone else seems to have done.  (Legit my Christmas wreath just made it to the front door last week and I just discovered a few days ago that rather than adorning my front door, it's laying face down decorating the cement on my front porch instead...it's still laying there.)  Christmas just feels somewhat messy for us this year.  I struggle with the holidays because since the boys came into our lives Christmas hasn't worked out like I hoped it would.  We typically end up with increased behavior issues with our oldest and lately our younger two seem to be blindly following his lead.  So I'm going to provide those characteristic "perfect" photos to document the fun we've had lately...because while life is messy, we have still made some really awesome memories...I'll get into the messy in sec, but fun first, so enjoy!

November 15 brought us an unexpected snowstorm and on a day I had off, so we got to try out our new sledding hill in our back yard.  (I can honestly say from my own experience, we have an amazeballs sledding hill!) We got to spend a day filled with hot chocolate, laughter, and snuggles.

We all ventured out on a cold wintery day to find the perfect 2018 Deitrick Christmas tree; a tradition we all have come to love.  Daddy always gives each of the boys a turn at "helping to cut it down"...I think he's hoping one of these years he can sit back with his coffee and give up the saw and sap.  We love visiting the same farm each year and getting a wagon ride to and from our tree picking field, complete with complimentary apples from their orchard.  Picture perfect, right?!?

 

I'm secretly hoping he never grows out of these red boots...he rocks them!

Someone always get a turn at putting the finishing touch on the tree...I'm thinking this may be the last year though, unless we get a BIG ladder, Daddy just about put his back out on this one.  (I keep telling the little buggers to stop growing and they just won't listen!)

My wonderful husband surprised me with a planned evening out for my birthday this year.  (It's literally the only gift I ask for every year and he's finally getting the hint :))  I had an opportunity to get dolled up and do my hair and wear heels!!  It was so wonderful to spend an evening alone together again and feel put together for a change.

Okie dokie, so there's the "perfect pictures" and while the descriptions of each are a true and accurate account of what happened, you're missing the messiness of life behind the scenes.  So often I'm scrolling through Facebook looking in on all the perfectness that we all love to post on Facebook but we fail to get an accurate representation of what's really going on.  Don't worry, I'll fill you in on ours, you'll be getting a front row seat...pop the corn, pull on those fuzzy socks...just leave your judgement at the door...

Those snow pictures...I was really upset and a bit bitter at 5:30 that morning when I got the phone call that school had been cancelled for the day, prior to any precipitation actually making it on the ground.  I was angry, really angry, because it was the ONE day I had two weeks prior scheduled as "MY day" after our horse therapist encouraged me to do so.  I had ONE day scheduled for me and I so needed that day and it was taken from me!!  So we went downstairs to get breakfast and I had a little chat with them and told them I was happy to share my day with them but I'd rather not spend it dealing with bad behavior...thankfully they complied for the most part and we really did enjoy our day.  But this day did end with my oldest pooping himself and then lying about it.  No matter how much I brace myself for the poor behaviors with him, it's always a disappointment.  And our snowy, white day ended on a brown disappointment.

Those Christmas tree pictures...we had a blast, but the resentment and discouragement in dealing with the same issues day in and day out with my oldest were weighing on the edge of our happiness that day.  We ran into a teacher he knows from school and his fake persona came out to chat and interact and as I typically do, I plastered on my own fake smile and cheer, giving the impression we are one happy family.  Inside my heart was bleeding and broken, wishing to scream out, 'he's being so fake' and struggling that he was giving more of himself to a stranger than he'll ever give to me, his mommy.   This event also ended in poop as well as the family get together we attended later that evening.  (Poop is a theme in our home)

The evening out with my husband...no one sees the fear and trepidation in trusting someone else to watch our kids knowing that it's often a chance for all of my kids to get away with MANY things they're not supposed to and for my oldest to play up the manipulation game.  As well as the fear in those judging how we need to parent through RAD, it's a slippery slope for me.  It's not easy to find people to watch the boys who will follow our sometimes unique set of rules because few understand the importance in keeping our boundaries tight with our children, especially our oldest, and how thin the line is between keeping his childhood trauma tendencies at bay and him losing complete control.  Thankfully that evening we did have someone to watch them that we both trust and love!  That picture is probably the most honest.

We are struggling right now.  Parenting by far is the hardest job we've both had...parenting through childhood trauma and RAD...it requires a strength some days I do not possess.  These are the days I'm grateful for the childhood I had and that I was raised in a faith-based home.  These are the days I can't take credit for making it through...these days there was only one set of footprints in the sand. But lately, YIKES!!!  Just tonight one my boys said "Mommy, sometimes we feel tempted to get back at you and we have to listen to Jesus and resist that temptation".  THIS sentence has been our biggest struggle lately.  Our children feel the need to "get back at us" and constantly control their world...and what's so discouraging is that we aren't doing anything that deserves "getting back at".  We are simply doing what we as parents are called by God to do...to teach our children right from wrong, to discipline our children, to bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord...because we LOVE them and we want the best life for them.  We aren't neglecting them, physically or emotionally scarring them, or putting our needs above theirs as their birth parents did.  Yet this need to control and "get back at us" is ever at the forefront of their world.

Since last year I've been making post-it notes to put in my kids lunch boxes.  It started with a simple note and then became a little more advanced.  It was a way that I could add a little love into their day when I wasn't there and I found I enjoyed sitting down drawing each one (FYI: I used a YouTube tutorial...I'm NO artist!) and letting a little creativity out while putting something special into each one.  School lunches have been a source of contention in our home since we got the boys and our oldest was in school.  In his need to control his world this included throwing out parts of his lunch, sometimes the whole lunch, and then lying about it...just because, it isn't that he doesn't like what I packed, it hinges on pure control and his RAD.  (Before anyone feels the need to judge, there is so much more behind all of this but I'm nut shelling here.)  CONTROL...it's like a rampant virus in our boys lives!!  Sadly I made the decision recently to stop putting the notes in their lunches...again there is so much behind this that is too long to share.  This was a carefully thought out decision and one that breaks my heart.  I did this to give love when I couldn't be with them and the boys seemed to really enjoy it each day.  We so desperately want to provide them with good childhood memories, so to remove this feels like just as much of a punishment for me as it does them.

So many days end with me feeling liked I'm failing in this parenting thing.  I spent an evening crying broken, frustrated tears last week.  We just want the best for our children, we want them to know and feel love, and our hope is to see them grow into godly young men with purpose and a heart for the Lord.  Yet somehow I feel like we are doing it all wrong when they continue to choose their own need to control over love.  The desire to "get back at us" seems stronger than the desire to love in return and to follow Jesus.  We continue to pay for the sins of their birth parents.

Where do we go with that?  There's only one answer for us...Jesus.  I'll never forget the night we first met the boys and God's clear voice that night as we drove home.  His plan was greater than our plan, we just needed to concede control over our own lives and give it to God.  I'm finding that as I continue to give God control over my life, the happier I am.  In the moments when I feel the weakest, when I go before Him and allow Him to work in my life and provide the strength and grace necessary for the moment, I'm filled with a deeper sense of peace and purpose.  The power of prayer is under appreciated in my opinion.  The above pictures also don't show the moments when we've sat with our boys and prayed together or the moments when Jamie and I prayed over their rooms.  Despite the difficulties, the brokenness, and the control issues that seem out of control at times, I'd still go back to that night in the car and give our lives to God...to sacrifice my life for theirs.  I chose that because I know that God can use our brokenness, our weakness, and our lives for His purpose and His good.

If you're anything like me and you feel so imperfect stacked among the "perfect" you see this Christmas season, know that there is always "behind the camera" that no one sees and that you're not alone.  There's brokenness, pain, and suffering.  It's easy to post the perfect; to smile when the sun shines.  It's how we chose to embrace the storms that matter more and determine our true character.  Can we trust that God can use us in our weakness and suffering or will we sit in bitterness?  The power of prayer is mighty but allowing God to use us as He sees fit...which may mean He answers your prayer with a no...that takes courage and grit.  Trusting that He is able, that despite the need for my children to control every aspect of their world, I can continue to answer His calling as their mother...bring your worst, my children, I'll still chose you and God's beautiful plan for our lives, because I love you with a fierceness only a mother can...for I will sing, it is well with my soul.

God, we give them to you and pray that you will paint a beautiful story for their lives, that they may bring you glory and honor.

"Train up a child in the way he should go: 

and when he is old, he will not depart from it." 

~Proverbs 22:6

Beautifully Broken

When we only look at behavior,
we stop seeing the child and only
look with an intent to judge whether
we need to reward or punish.
When we look behind the behavior,
we see that little struggling human,
our little human,
who needs our help with something.
~Rebecca Eanes

We are almost a month into school starting and life is more of a whirlwind than ever right now!  Sometimes I think maybe I was born in the wrong era because I don't enjoy the rush that life in 2018 brings...everything needs done yesterday and everyone is moving at a speed and pace that discourages us from stopping and enjoying life and connecting.  I'm reminded that living in our world today also presents me with opportunities those before me have made possible.  I'm especially reminded of this when attachment disorder roars its ugly head in our world and we are once again thrown back into the dark valleys we work so hard to climb out of.  Because of those before us who struggled with similar issues as we do, the road to understanding is better paved for us in today's world and we are learning more and more about this horrible thing we know all to closely as early childhood trauma.  I heard that Pennsylvania is working towards getting our teachers trauma trained and I have to say I think it's a WONDERFUL idea!  We have been so beautifully blessed to have many who are part of our world be so understanding with the unique circumstances we bring with us...from teachers, to therapists, to friends and family...we are SO blessed to have understanding.  BUT, not everyone is as blessed as we are.  They live in this state of fear...fear of the judgment they'll receive; fear of misunderstanding what they themselves don't even fully understand; fear in being ostracized.

This is the daily reality in living with children who have suffered from early childhood trauma.  In our world most of us are taught that when we respond with love when its not deserved, that it will fix things...on a certain level this isn't a bad concept...unless you're dealing with a child who has been exposed to early childhood trauma.  Love was not a language spoken to these children and therefore they don't speak love.  They've grown up in a world where they've learned that love doesn't exist and that they need to turn off emotion and use their own devices and resources to survive.  My child is one amazing survivor!!!  But this skewed thinking to the normal logic of love has now broken his ability to be able to learn the language of love.  Please know, I did not say he wasn't able to love...I said it was "broken"...meaning there is the possibility to fix it.   But it's going to take some grit, grace, and tough love and it's going to require him to "want to" at some point.  It's going to take time to teach him what love is and that it can be trusted.  That survival no longer needs to be based on his own ability to control his environment, but that he can learn to trust love and trust that we...his parents...truly have his best interest at heart and that we WILL provide for his needs.

Typing that paragraph above is so much easier said than done.  Dang it if he doesn't know how to get me when I'm the most vulnerable!  He will sabotage the very thing he needs the most and he'll hurt us because that's so much easier than trusting us and that's how he survived in the past.  He put up a wall of concrete, steel, and will that's impenetrable at times because the pain was too much to handle when he was younger.  The problem is that what he perceives as a threat is no longer a threat to him.  Mommy and Daddy were always associated with emotional pain and they didn't provide for him in the past, so therefore he can't trust anyone with the name Mommy and Daddy.  My heart breaks that anyone, let alone my own son, should have to be subjected to this hurt.  My heart breaks for the inability at times to reach past that wall, pull it down, and see the real person inside.  All that being said, today I'm struggling.  This week has been riddled with much poop, bed wetting, phone calls from the school, and a 3-day bus suspension.  Reading that quote above goes against every human cell within me when the behaviors being thrown your way you know are a way of sabotaging love and a means to control what he thinks he needs to.  Transition whether big or small always present a threat to him and tip his carefully controlled world.  And that always means we need to hunker down and wait out the storms headed our way.

So we do.  We've learned that this too shall pass and that we will find a way to survive this ourselves.  There is a reason behind the behavior and while it's painful to have it all hurled our way, we are able to see past it and try our best to continue to chip away at that wall with our own strong will and love.  This is possible because we have an army of people who stand behind us and support us.  We have people who take the time to read a book so they can try and understand our "unique" a little better and why we do what we do sometimes.  We have people who surround us who encourage, rather than judge...who see the strength and grit behind the tears we shed...who see that love isn't a fix-all for early childhood trauma and trust that we DO (and we do!) love him and want only the best for him...who see that we are his greatest champions.  To anyone who is interested in understanding us a little better we strongly encourage you to read this book...

we will provide a copy for you if you don't want to spend the money.  I have been handing it out to those around us who work with Carter and spend time with him and it's been so helpful in educating those in our world to the "whys".  I wish I would have had this book a few years ago, but I'm thankful for the wonderful person (you know who you are and you're amazing!) who shared it with me.  It's a quick read and I read thru it in one evening.  As a foster/adoptive mom, it was truly like reading a hug for those of us who live in the world of trauma.  I've given a copy to our therapist, our church, the school, family and friends...so worth it!!!  To those who have taken the time to read it and get a better understanding into our world...thank you!!!  It's such a blessing to be surrounded by such amazing, supportive people who lift us up.

God has the ability to take our brokenness and use it to create something beautiful.  While it's difficult to live through the brokenness, God had planned this from the moment he formed our son in his mother's womb...He has a beautiful plan for his life and for ours. God isn't content with complacent lives but strives for us to learn and grow and reach potential we never knew existed within ourselves.  I'm learning that He is using my greatest moments of failure and that while I'm human and imperfect, I still receive His grace and love.  He's teaching me the true meaning of grace and sacrifice and what it truly means to give my life to Him; that just as He loves unlovable me, I in turn need to be more like Him and love the unlovable.  It's a hard lesson, the road paved with the ruts of my own human insecurities, resentments, and hurts.  But I know that we serve a God who can move mountains and our God can use our brokenness to heal.

While I miss the girl I once was, I know that God is molding and using me for a greater purpose and I don't regret for one minute that I am these boy's mom!!  They have added so much to our world and brought so much love and happiness despite the heartache and tears.  We pray that God will provide us as parents with the wisdom, strength, and courage we need...that He will use the cracks of our imperfections to shine His light and be a good example for our boys.

On a less heavy note, this little guy has finally started kindergarten and I thought I'd be a blubbering mess his first day...that's not really my nature...and I wasn't.  Jamie and figured out a few days prior that we would get a whole day together on his first day and the excitement outweighed my reservations.  While I do miss having him home with me and that we've moved to a new stage of parenting (and I got jipped because I didn't get their early years), I'm enjoying school normals like I've never gotten to experience before.  Both my younger two boys are doing well in school this year and loving it and it's been a joy to see them grow and learn.  I am still learning how to balance my time with them while also parenting my oldest differently and giving him the attention he needs (or steals at times).  We are really enjoying getting plugged into the community around us through school and church and look forward to the school year ahead of us.  God has been good to us!

Despite our challenges we have much to be thankful for and we are so thankful for the community around us and the people God has placed in our lives.  After all, there are people out there who would love to have my bad days.

"May I never forget the good things He has done for me."

Psalm 103:2

Summer Days

Summer has officially arrived in our home and we enjoyed the milder temps and blue skies we got last week and spent a considerable amount of time enjoying the outdoors.  I've been kind of dreading summer as all the kids are home and that often means breaking up more fights and dealing with an added amount of drama from my oldest.  Each year I'm learning the ins and outs in living with attachment disorder and what that looks like for all of us.  I'm learning what the triggers are, the humility in knowing we need to ask and accept help, and that healing (while it's slow progress) CAN happen with the right kind of therapy.  If I could shout this from the rooftops and give other RAD mamas a glimmer of hope with this I would...we have been utterly blessed beyond measure with our horse therapy team and this God-breathed blessing is right in our back yard and so worth EVERY penny we pay!!  After spending 2 years feeling like this was a hopeless situation, we moved into a new approach with therapy.  For those who may be struggling with an attachment child, I highly recommend Daniel Hughes method of approach.  We began DDP (dyadic developmental psychotherapy) therapy with our horse therapists around the beginning of the year and initially it was something just Jamie and I attended while our eldest was doing neuro-optimal therapy.  We've basically been learning a PACE (playful, accepting, curious, empathic) method of parenting.  It has broadened our horizons on the empathetic scale and given us a better understanding as to why we've been experiencing some of the behaviors we have and giving us tools to use to better accept and connect with him while learning the 'why' behind it all.  About 2 months ago, Carter also started sitting in on our sessions, so it's kind of a whole family session (the other 2 are in the room and often we find them just sitting, listening and watching us).

A year ago I don't know that I would have been able to mentally and emotionally sit and talk with him in this type of setting.  Being a RAD mom is so hard on so many levels.  You feel so sad initially and truly think that love will fix their problems and when the realization hits home that love won't fix it, you feel guilty and stupid for not figuring it out and being able to fix the problems.  Then you move from guilt to resentment because no matter how hard you try and how many new methods and things you try, we live over and over again the same mistakes/behaviors and you don't understand how they can't seem to have a sense of motivation and as mom you get tired of it always being directed at YOU and you simply feel like connecting with this kid is impossible.  It's beyond exhausting trying to figure out the next move and how to respond, because some responses could completely send him into a tailspin...sometimes the more we've loved, the worse the behaviors become.  We are more than familiar with the ups and downs (mostly downs) that go hand in hand in living with attachment disorder and we've begun to realize that while this isn't normal it is OUR normal.  But along with that comes the brokenness in feeling like you are utterly failing in trying to be mom and make a meaningful connection.  You lose hope, a desire to want to connect, and feel guilty because of these feelings...all completely natural feelings, and by the end of most days you are broken.

And this is where I know without a shadow of a doubt that I was meant to be this boy's mother!  God made me that stubborn middle child who became bound and determined that if you gave me a challenge... I'd show you!!  Some days I am depressed knowing that God had this planned all along because being his mom and trying to form any kind of attachment is such a daily, moment to moment, struggle!  God you have called me to love the unloveable but how much can one human mom possibly take??  And then from above a voice quietly reminds me that ANYTHING is possible with Him and I'm reminded that He formed this child in his mother's womb and that God's plans are perfect and beyond anything I could imagine...I just need to lean on Him and have faith that through it all He WILL provide.  The truth that attaching to this child will go beyond anything humanly possible and that I cannot, nor am I expected, to do this alone.

From this realization and in learning to parent from a place of empathy and acceptance are born moments of true joy and from these a connection and a bond slowly begins to form.  These are the moments when I've taught my 8 year old son how to hug because he was simply never taught...and boy, can this guy hug...I mean REALLY hug!!!  I can proudly say "I taught him that!!!"  (And that came from a moment of brokenness after he had pooped himself.)  These are the moments when I've danced with my 9 year old son in the living room after filling him with words of affirmation and watching his little face beam from ear to ear because his world is simply based off of shame and guilt and most of the time he doesn't believe these things about himself.  These are the moments when Jamie and I have sat by his bed as "Batman and Batgirl" and "put out our protective force field" so that we could provide an open and safe place for him to try and place his burden of pain and to open up to us so we can show him that parental love can be trusted.

THESE are the moments when a hope I thought long gone, burns brighter than ever in our lives.  These are the moments when I'm forever grateful that God gifted me the amazing man and partner I get to DDP alongside.  This incredible man not only is a shining male role model for our sons, but he has stepped up to every challenge right along with me and willingly does what he needs to try and connect with our sons as well.  He sits next to me and our son in horse therapy and participates and makes me so beyond proud that THIS man is MINE!!  He DDP's on the days I'm not home with them and asks our son what he can do to help him achieve him goals.  He gives me the strength on days when I feel I can't DDP any more and to continue on and never makes me feel like less of a person on the days I stumble.

And boy do I stumble!!  This isn't a blog on perfection and let me tell you, I've been less than stellar at DDP and accepting lately.  I've been resentful and angry about our situation.  This simply isn't fair!!  I'm paying for sins I didn't commit and simply because my name is Mom.  But then that voice gently tells me, "I built you for this" and I'm again reminded that our Creator, the Master of our universe has such a unique and special plan for all of us in this.  I'm reminded that Carter didn't ask for the things that happened to him either and that God loves him and created him with a special and unique purpose, and as much as he may drive me crazy some days, God built him for this journey as well.  He built him to survive and that's an incredible gift I hope we can build on.  I read this quote recently and it's been life-changing for me and brings me back to that determined middle child God created in me...

"Every child deserves a champion:

an adult who will never give up on them,

who understands the power of connection and insists 

they become the best they can be."

~Rita Pierson~

What a truly powerful statement and it really makes me wonder how many kids lives would be changed if adults were able to apply this more to the kids lives around us.  It also makes me so grateful for the wonderful childhood I had and for the parents I was gifted who were the champions in my life!  Their belief in me impacted me in so many positive ways.  This truly challenges me as a mom for all 3 of my boys.  How can I show my children that they are each special, unique, amazing, capable individuals?  What are ways I can build them up, rather than tear them down?  As parents it's our job to teach our children right from wrong, but we are also lead to show them what forgiveness, compassion, empowerment, and affirmation means.  In order to build a foundation that's going to weather the storms that come through their lives we need to teach them confidence in who they are and that they are truly capable...we need to teach them to believe in themselves!  We have been talking a lot about these words and other words like this lately and really diving into the meaning of words.  But I think in order for our children to truly grasp this concept they need to see it modeled.

I'm so truly thankful for the blessing of our horse therapists and for the nonjudgmental, gentle ways they've encouraged, supported, and driven us in parenting our wonderful, unique son and for the ways we've been able to make progress and for the ways we've seen the bonds of attachment begin to form.  God was so in this and I'm so grateful that He brought these 3 treasures into our lives and that we've been given the unique blessing in calling them OUR sons!!  They have changed our world in so many ways and I'll forever be grateful that these 3 became mine.

Lastly, we have turned a new corner in our world and this fall all 3 of my boys will be in school.  While I know I will enjoy the time to myself again, I won't lie, I'm going to miss this little guy and his chatty banter added in my day.  God has gifted me with 3 VERY unique boys.  My middle is ever the deep thinker, exuding confidence, and he may just be a bit stronger-willed than his mommy. (I know...who knew THAT was possible??)  He can be the most well-behaved and compassionate one minute and then turn into a monster the next.  He wears his emotions on his sleeve.  I think he and I will butt heads but simply because we have the most in common and our quick to react attitudes may clash at times.  He has leader potential written all over and I love that about him!  He gave us a run for our money with kindergarten this past year but we all learned so much through the process and I'm learning that I need to approach him with a much different way of parenting than my other 2.

He got so excited when their bus came up the street and always looked forward to meeting 

them right off the bus and hearing all about their day...I love this little guy's zest for life and love for others!

And then there's my baby who assures me he'll stay my baby forever!  I never thought I'd be "that mom" who got emotional about my kids going off to school...I AM.  This school year felt like it flew by and that just yesterday we were starting the year just he and I...and now we've reached the end.  I will miss the days I had with him undertow, constantly chattering away, asking "mommy can you just read to me?" and "mommy can we play games?"...he asked me to read to him one time recently and I said, "I can't right now buddy" and he promptly asked, "Well can you after right now?"  Oh how I'm going to miss these moments!!!!  I'll miss his lovable little self that calls from the other room while playing, "Mommy I like you and I love you so so much!", his amazing help with chores around the house, and the ways his smart little brain picks up on things.  I no longer have any toddlers at home.  I'll miss the days when my boys no longer want me to read to them or when they rest their heads on my shoulders as I do.  The days when they ask for snuggles or in their little voices want to know if they can help me with anything.  Everyone tells you that they are only small for a short time and you don't really believe it until reality smacks you in the head and you come to grips with the realization that they truly won't be little forever.  My mommy heart cries in wanting some of that time back but we will look forward to what's ahead and the amazing plans God has for these little boys...the 3 little brown boys who came into our world and changed us for the better.  To my sons...THANK YOU for making me a mommy!

  

"You didn't grow under my heart but in it"