Waiting Room

As the holidays approach and the excitement of Christmas festivities and presents draws near, a part of me wishes it would all just go away so the ugly demons I wrestle with will stay at bay.  This is the time of the year when many are celebrating first Christmases with their baby or watching excitedly as their children anxiously tear through wrapping paper.  This year marks our 5th year trying to conceive and with each passing year, each birthday, I’m reminded that time is quickly running out for me…that it’s still just me and him.  I’m stuck in this waiting room, unsure if I’ll ever be eligible to be a mommy.

Sometimes I wonder if after all this time I’d be able to handle the time it takes to devote to a baby.  Last evening we had a family gathering for Christmas and at one point I watched as Jamie came over and stole my nephew Isaiah from Papa Smurf’s lap and sat him down on his own lap…and my heart sang with joy to watch the interaction between nephew and uncle…and then a small part of me went into dream land and pretended that it was our baby on his lap.  And the hurt slowly crept in and I realized in that moment that I could handle whatever time was needed to devote to a baby if only I could watch him be a daddy.  You see, that’s the part that hurts the most.  To know his arms are just waiting, his heart so willing to open to a little person.  I’ve replayed that scene in my mind several times throughout today and sometimes I think maybe if I want it bad enough, it will just happen.  But my level of wanting hasn’t changed in the last 5 years and I’m still left here in this waiting room.

Most of us give up after waiting an hour or so in a waiting room, huffing up to the receptionist demanding this wait has been entirely long enough.  I had an appointment you know…my life plan was figured out.  I wanted to be done having babies by the time I was 30.  I handed God my life plan and asked Him to sign on the dotted line.  Instead He kindly declined and asked me to sign his “blank” plan, the only requirement was that I trust in His plan.  He had a “much better purpose, a far greater plan” for my life than the one I had penciled out.  Many times I can’t imagine what greater plan He could have than children for me, but He didn’t ask me to question the plan but to trust…trust that He would work things out for us, in His perfect timing.  He hasn’t promised a life of ease or complete comfort but He has promised to walk the road with us, to heal our aching heart and to be a comfort in times of difficulty.  The journey is all part of the lesson, because without the struggles we wouldn’t have the joy of knowing a “yes” answer after years of hearing “no”.  Our faith is built upon times when “no” was the only response heard…the times when He simply says, “Trust me without knowing.”

As much as I hate hearing the “no” in my own life, I’m comforted by the fact that God is in control.  By giving yourself completely to Him, signing on His dotted line, and allowing God to use his infinite perspective you’re opening yourself to Him, to allow Him to use you completely and fully for His purposes and not yours.  I may not understand the reason at the time and maybe I’ll never understand the reason, but maybe the only reason at the time is so that through your struggles and circumstances others may come to know Him.

God, as I sit in my waiting room, thumbing through the pages of my life, restlessly waiting for a “yes”, give me the strength to endure the wait.  Give me a spirit of humility and love.  You know the desires of my heart, the longing to feel what I’ve helped so many others through and You also have the power to say yes or no.  I may not always have the deep faith I feel at this moment, but I promise that even if your answer remains no that I will praise you just the same.

I heard this song while I was cleaning this morning and I felt it really spoke to where I’m at right now.  I carry the burden of infertility with me every day, it’s ugly tendrils of resentment and anger have at times felt as though they are smothering the life from me.  But then just when I need it, God sends the strength I need to pry the ugliness from my heart.  It’s been in the form of a song or a word of encouragement…He sends it in all manner of things, but whenever it happens, I know it’s God driven.  It’s the comfort He has promised…the band-aid for my aching heart.  I pray that if your struggling with a “no” right now in your own life, that you may feel His band-aid on your heart, His arms on your shoulders, and the peace in knowing that He is truly in control and has your best interests in mind.  Remember His plan is much greater than yours, all we are called to do is trust, yes that may be difficult at times, but I’ve learned the hard way when I’ve tried to do life on my own and have left trust in dirt.  “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” ~Jeremiah 29:11