I Would Die For That

I remember making New Years resolutions in years past and I can't say as though I ever followed through really well with any of them.  But I remember the last year I decided I would ever make a resolution or look toward the coming year with great expectations.  That year was 2009.  I remember starting 2008 vividly and I had such hopes that maybe this would be our year to welcome a child into our family and as the year ended so did my dreams of becoming a mother that year or even the next.  I've spent many times on the rollar coaster ride of emotions...I've listened as many have felt the need to "reassure" me in ways that only hurt more...I've cried from the depths...I've experienced a hurt that never fully goes away, one that at times feels as though it's suffocating the life from me.  Although we've been very open about our difficulty getting pregnant I don't think many people truly understand the depth of emotions or the constant way it consumes you.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about it...every pregnant belly I see makes me wonder with a jealous, anxious heart...every announcement that's made makes me cringe at the thought of saying "Congratulations" when I really just want to find the hole of life and crawl into it, pushing away anyone who tries to come close to give comfort.  I've been silent at times so others would not be uncomfortable by the pain I so vividly feel inside.

But I do not write today out of anger or hopelessness.  Although I may not always feel much hope in the way of ever becoming a mother...a dream I long to have fulfilled...I do know that I serve a God who is always faithful and as much as I want control over the plans for my life, the Architect knows perfectly how things fit into my life and so I must trust and wait.  I feel at times as though the UPS man meant to drop something off at my doorstep but instead delivered the package to my neighbor but when I run over to my neighbors house with flurried and excited anticipation I find that the package really did have her name on it.  And then I begin to wonder, am I waiting for a package that has never been ordered?  Was I meant to move on with my life, instead of waiting by the front door for a package to arrive?  I don't have the answer to that question, but I do trust that God will guide my steps and if He ever leads me away from the door...away from waiting...then I trust that He will also give me the strength to endure the disappointment of never receiving a package.

I pray that if you are struggling through infertility that you will be blessed by this song and feel a renewed sense of peace that you are not alone in your struggle.