This afternoon was a particularly rough one in our home. I ugly yelled at 2 of my kids. I pointed my finger at them. I got red in the face. In the moment I responded out of anger, all the while in my head and heart trying to remember the many therapy sessions in which we were taught how to respond. I was failing miserably in my responses, but my anger got the better of me. In my instant regret I began to wonder how I was going to redeem my actions. How can I get through the thick walls my kids have so tightly built up after responding so poorly??
Oh if I had the answer to that question...actually I do!! It was answered in the mountain of therapy sessions we went to and that 'Connecting With Grace' class I took.
GRACE!
Simply put, that's the answer. My boy's brains are so steeped in the lies they were taught from birth they now have a distorted sense of reality. As a very human mom, I struggle with responding with the love and grace required of me when their brains tell them that hurting those close to them is safer than trust.
If you've ever parented a child with trauma, you get how utterly frustrating and difficult it is to get this concept through to your child(ren). Mealtimes can occasionally be an issue in our home. The picture I painted in having meaningful family meals together was quickly shattered when our oldest would decide that he no longer liked a meal he had eaten 3 weeks ago without any problems. Listen, I know kids can be kids and they can change their minds quickly. Understand when I say that, THIS, was not kids just being kids, but a true act of control. This morphed into throwing perfectly fine lunches away at school. Again, it came down to control, not likes and dislikes for what I pack. Those lies their brains tell them about mistrust, that they MUST control their environment, had kicked into high gear. Which in some cosmic, ugly cycle has now created mistrust within as as parents.
Today was another food battle. We don't have them as frequently as we once did, but they still roar their monstrous head from time to time. Maybe this was the spiritual warfare happening that I discussed in my last post, I don't know. But either way the battle ground was set. I'm mentally worn out from the battle we had earlier this week with our middle...which we were still working through today (hence the yelling at TWO of my kids)...and now we were heading into another.
Our training has taught us that we need to look past the behavior and see the hurting child. Ohhhhhhhh, can I just say how HARD this is!!! I'm being asked to exert grace in the face of many hurts. This morning I exerted grace and love when the incident started. But per my usual, my grace tends to run out when the victim-mentality kicks into high gear and he starts to throw insults. Today I was accused of loving my younger 2 more and spending more time with them. I won't lie, I struggle with giving him the attention and time and I give the other 2 because he pushes and sabotages it so often. Secondary trauma is a real thing! But it's something I've been trying to really work on lately, especially in the moments when I really don't want to. SO my red button was triggered in this moment! I angrily reminded him that it was just this week that his Daddy and I sat on his bedroom floor following an incident at school and lovingly talked to him for a long time...angrily asked who had gracefully encouraged him just this morning...angrily questioned who had rocked and held him after he had pooped his pants one night. And then I stormed into the office and got the folder I made for his school teachers this past year...ALL about him! I slammed it on the table and asked who did that for him??
The tears flowed down his face and the anger was quickly replaced with other emotions as I angrily reminded him about the time and effort we lovingly try and give. And I knew I needed to somehow redeem this moment or my angry ranting would only resort to shame and would ultimately end up triggering him in a negative way. I needed the impact of what I was saying in anger to somehow stick in a positive way. I need him to see that the lies his brain tells him about being a victim are part of the old formula and that his reality is actually much different than his perceptions.
This last statement quite accurately describes what it's like living with children who've had trauma. Their perceptions so far outweigh the reality they are living. They believe the lie that if they don't control the situation that they will, in fact, die. So how in the world do I redeem this angry battlefield of misperceptions and lies???
God gently whispered in my ear...with a hug. God nudges me so many times to have moments of loving contact with him and boy, that task is hard to do when the resentment from hurts lingers. I am human, I don't always follow God's nudges, but lately I've really been trying to soak up the God-breathed strength he provides to make these moments happen. I need to trust that God will cover these moments with a strength only he can provide.
And I did...I reached over and yanked him out of his chair and into a hug! It was the last thing I felt like doing!! I was so angry with him for again rejecting the love we so freely give but I knew I couldn't ignore God's call to step up and exert grace. He clung to me and sobbed and I clung to him and whispered love and encouragement in his ear. It's never lost on me following these moments when I follow God's push to graceful interactions that we both walk away with a better outlook. It's hard not to feel like, "well things are going to change from now on" but we know that while this was helpful for this moment, it's not going to suddenly rewire his brain and he's magically going to trust us from now on. Nope, it won't happen and we'll still have moments when the ugly lies his brain tells him will alter his perception of reality. But I pray that with each interaction like this that we can chip away at the wall and slowly plant seeds of hope and show him that our love can be trusted.
And God quietly whispers, "I'm asking the same thing of you. My love for you can be trusted. I hold your failures. I hold your victories. I just need your trust." His grace washes over us and goes deeper than any expectations, hurts, and struggles life throws our way. He can redeem and restore the broken pieces of our past and our present, and he holds our future in his majestic hands. He can turn the battlefield moments of anger into redemptive acts of graceful love.
The battlefield we stood upon a few minutes before the hug was suddenly replaced with an even playing ground, where we both leaned into one another for strength. I NEEDED that hug as much as he did! He finished his meal and came to me with the biggest smile of accomplishment on his face. I affirmed his ability to complete what was asked of him and gave him another big hug. I'm mentally and emotionally drained but I'm thankful my heart belongs to a God who provides in the moments where I'm woefully inadequate. My weary soul rests in this faithful promise of hope.
"My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness."
2 Corinthians 12:9
