"Forgiveness does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future."
*Lewis B Smedes*
Have you ever been faced with a situation that left you feeling as though no matter how things played out, you'd still be the one left holding the bag, so to speak? Stuck between a rock and preverbal hard place? When faced with the task of forgiveness I think many of us often find ourselves at this difficult crossroad, stuck between forgiveness and resentment, knowing that forgiveness is the right path, but feeling the hurts have left wounds that forgiveness alone cannot heal. The road paved with resentment, while dark at times, can often seem the easier road and the one I choose because I know that path and it's comfortable to me. I can hide behind the cloak of self-preservation and spite.
As an adoptive mom I find there are so many people who put us on this pedestal for "what you've done" for these children and while we appreciate the support and encouragement, I need to be honest...I don't deserve that pedestal. It's paints us in a light in which we are undeserving. I don't deserve it because on a daily basis I chose the path of resentment over forgiveness. I'm part of a RAD (reactive attachment disorder) FaceBook group and I've interacted with many other RAD/trauma momma's and while the circumstances are never exactly the same, we are faced with the same fork in the road every single day. I know, parents with "normal" children also struggle with resentment at times as well, so know I'm not excluding anyone. But trauma momma's have it thrown back in their face on a daily basis. We call these power struggles and while I love to have a term for it, I loathe them with every fiber of my being...see I don't deserve that pedestal because as I write, my own resentments and anger are just waiting at the threshold to make an appearance and validate my unspeakable hurts.
Okay, so we've called it for what it is, now what do we do about it? How do I begin to chose forgiveness when the hurts thrown my way on a constant, daily basis by all 3 of my boys is never-ending?? So many times in my anger I cry out to God asking why he gave us this task thinking we were enough and questioning why I'm always the one who has to forgive and pay for the sins I've never committed in the first place??
"Forgiveness is love's toughest work and love's biggest risk"
*Lewis B Smedes*
God doesn't ask for me to forgive without knowing what that forgiveness will cost me. He gently reminds me that while I am a sinner, he died on the cross for ME, bearing the burdens of my sins upon himself...a burden he himself did not deserve. Forgiveness is love is in purest form. God understands the cost and yet he still asks it of me, knowing that with it comes the greatest joy and the grandest opportunity to love. Yesterday in church as I felt the weight of God calling me to forgive and the tears of desiring obedience to this calling mixed with fear and doubt, silently fell, our pastor reminded us that, 'forgiveness opens a door to incredible freedom'. Without forgiveness I can never come to the full potential that God has for me. Resentment leads the way to a life full of fear, doubt, and anger, while forgiveness allows us to love unconditionally, find joy, and gives way to a God-breathed free life. God paid the ultimate price for us and daily provides grace and mercy when we seek him asking for forgiveness.
I need to recognize that he isn't asking me to do the impossible in forgiving my children for each power struggle, but he's asking to be so present in my life that when it seems I'm unable to forgive, he'll provide the strength I don't have to forgive. He will be enough for me. When we first had the boys in our home and we had little idea what we were dealing with but we were struggling with being new parents, let alone trauma parents, we were often told to just love them and it would get better. I've learned that love isn't enough for these kids because love is not a language they understand. I've often questioned how then, am I supposed to teach them love? Perhaps forgiveness is the answer. Perhaps they're looking for someone to see beyond the sins to the child hurting and all they need is someone to reach past that, to absorb the dark, and bring the light of forgiveness...perhaps this is how to show them what love truly is.
I am a broken sinner, yet God forgave me and loved me so much that he took my sins upon himself on that blood-soaked cross. Many times circumstances happen in our lives that are beyond our control and aren't what we would have chosen for ourselves. My children didn't ask to be born to parents who were unable to speak the language of love to them or care for their basic needs. Yet, that was their start in life and now they are left with challenges because of someone else's poor decisions. How will they learn to forgive if it's not modeled for them? As parents we are given the responsibility to teach our children in the ways of the Lord, but we aren't tasked with changing their hearts. That comes down to God. We are simply tasked with teaching them and modeling these behaviors. This starts with forgiveness...a task that seems bigger than the tallest mountain to me at present...but God IS enough! I need to rest my hope in the power of forgiveness knowing that while it comes at a price, it's a price worth paying for love and praying that God will use that to change the hearts of my children.
We need to forgive others as quickly as we expect God to forgive us.
"I am not overstating it when I say that the man who caused all the trouble hurt all of you more than he hurt me. Most of you opposed him, and that was punishment enough. Now, however, it is time to forgive and comfort him. Otherwise he may be overcome by discouragement. So I urge you now to reaffirm your love for him."
*Lewis B Smedes*
Have you ever been faced with a situation that left you feeling as though no matter how things played out, you'd still be the one left holding the bag, so to speak? Stuck between a rock and preverbal hard place? When faced with the task of forgiveness I think many of us often find ourselves at this difficult crossroad, stuck between forgiveness and resentment, knowing that forgiveness is the right path, but feeling the hurts have left wounds that forgiveness alone cannot heal. The road paved with resentment, while dark at times, can often seem the easier road and the one I choose because I know that path and it's comfortable to me. I can hide behind the cloak of self-preservation and spite.
As an adoptive mom I find there are so many people who put us on this pedestal for "what you've done" for these children and while we appreciate the support and encouragement, I need to be honest...I don't deserve that pedestal. It's paints us in a light in which we are undeserving. I don't deserve it because on a daily basis I chose the path of resentment over forgiveness. I'm part of a RAD (reactive attachment disorder) FaceBook group and I've interacted with many other RAD/trauma momma's and while the circumstances are never exactly the same, we are faced with the same fork in the road every single day. I know, parents with "normal" children also struggle with resentment at times as well, so know I'm not excluding anyone. But trauma momma's have it thrown back in their face on a daily basis. We call these power struggles and while I love to have a term for it, I loathe them with every fiber of my being...see I don't deserve that pedestal because as I write, my own resentments and anger are just waiting at the threshold to make an appearance and validate my unspeakable hurts.
Okay, so we've called it for what it is, now what do we do about it? How do I begin to chose forgiveness when the hurts thrown my way on a constant, daily basis by all 3 of my boys is never-ending?? So many times in my anger I cry out to God asking why he gave us this task thinking we were enough and questioning why I'm always the one who has to forgive and pay for the sins I've never committed in the first place??
"Forgiveness is love's toughest work and love's biggest risk"
*Lewis B Smedes*
God doesn't ask for me to forgive without knowing what that forgiveness will cost me. He gently reminds me that while I am a sinner, he died on the cross for ME, bearing the burdens of my sins upon himself...a burden he himself did not deserve. Forgiveness is love is in purest form. God understands the cost and yet he still asks it of me, knowing that with it comes the greatest joy and the grandest opportunity to love. Yesterday in church as I felt the weight of God calling me to forgive and the tears of desiring obedience to this calling mixed with fear and doubt, silently fell, our pastor reminded us that, 'forgiveness opens a door to incredible freedom'. Without forgiveness I can never come to the full potential that God has for me. Resentment leads the way to a life full of fear, doubt, and anger, while forgiveness allows us to love unconditionally, find joy, and gives way to a God-breathed free life. God paid the ultimate price for us and daily provides grace and mercy when we seek him asking for forgiveness.
I need to recognize that he isn't asking me to do the impossible in forgiving my children for each power struggle, but he's asking to be so present in my life that when it seems I'm unable to forgive, he'll provide the strength I don't have to forgive. He will be enough for me. When we first had the boys in our home and we had little idea what we were dealing with but we were struggling with being new parents, let alone trauma parents, we were often told to just love them and it would get better. I've learned that love isn't enough for these kids because love is not a language they understand. I've often questioned how then, am I supposed to teach them love? Perhaps forgiveness is the answer. Perhaps they're looking for someone to see beyond the sins to the child hurting and all they need is someone to reach past that, to absorb the dark, and bring the light of forgiveness...perhaps this is how to show them what love truly is.
I am a broken sinner, yet God forgave me and loved me so much that he took my sins upon himself on that blood-soaked cross. Many times circumstances happen in our lives that are beyond our control and aren't what we would have chosen for ourselves. My children didn't ask to be born to parents who were unable to speak the language of love to them or care for their basic needs. Yet, that was their start in life and now they are left with challenges because of someone else's poor decisions. How will they learn to forgive if it's not modeled for them? As parents we are given the responsibility to teach our children in the ways of the Lord, but we aren't tasked with changing their hearts. That comes down to God. We are simply tasked with teaching them and modeling these behaviors. This starts with forgiveness...a task that seems bigger than the tallest mountain to me at present...but God IS enough! I need to rest my hope in the power of forgiveness knowing that while it comes at a price, it's a price worth paying for love and praying that God will use that to change the hearts of my children.
We need to forgive others as quickly as we expect God to forgive us.
~2 Corinthians 2:5-8
"My child your sins are forgiven" - GOD
(~ Mark 2:5)
