Beautifully Broken

When we only look at behavior,
we stop seeing the child and only
look with an intent to judge whether
we need to reward or punish.
When we look behind the behavior,
we see that little struggling human,
our little human,
who needs our help with something.
~Rebecca Eanes

We are almost a month into school starting and life is more of a whirlwind than ever right now!  Sometimes I think maybe I was born in the wrong era because I don't enjoy the rush that life in 2018 brings...everything needs done yesterday and everyone is moving at a speed and pace that discourages us from stopping and enjoying life and connecting.  I'm reminded that living in our world today also presents me with opportunities those before me have made possible.  I'm especially reminded of this when attachment disorder roars its ugly head in our world and we are once again thrown back into the dark valleys we work so hard to climb out of.  Because of those before us who struggled with similar issues as we do, the road to understanding is better paved for us in today's world and we are learning more and more about this horrible thing we know all to closely as early childhood trauma.  I heard that Pennsylvania is working towards getting our teachers trauma trained and I have to say I think it's a WONDERFUL idea!  We have been so beautifully blessed to have many who are part of our world be so understanding with the unique circumstances we bring with us...from teachers, to therapists, to friends and family...we are SO blessed to have understanding.  BUT, not everyone is as blessed as we are.  They live in this state of fear...fear of the judgment they'll receive; fear of misunderstanding what they themselves don't even fully understand; fear in being ostracized.

This is the daily reality in living with children who have suffered from early childhood trauma.  In our world most of us are taught that when we respond with love when its not deserved, that it will fix things...on a certain level this isn't a bad concept...unless you're dealing with a child who has been exposed to early childhood trauma.  Love was not a language spoken to these children and therefore they don't speak love.  They've grown up in a world where they've learned that love doesn't exist and that they need to turn off emotion and use their own devices and resources to survive.  My child is one amazing survivor!!!  But this skewed thinking to the normal logic of love has now broken his ability to be able to learn the language of love.  Please know, I did not say he wasn't able to love...I said it was "broken"...meaning there is the possibility to fix it.   But it's going to take some grit, grace, and tough love and it's going to require him to "want to" at some point.  It's going to take time to teach him what love is and that it can be trusted.  That survival no longer needs to be based on his own ability to control his environment, but that he can learn to trust love and trust that we...his parents...truly have his best interest at heart and that we WILL provide for his needs.

Typing that paragraph above is so much easier said than done.  Dang it if he doesn't know how to get me when I'm the most vulnerable!  He will sabotage the very thing he needs the most and he'll hurt us because that's so much easier than trusting us and that's how he survived in the past.  He put up a wall of concrete, steel, and will that's impenetrable at times because the pain was too much to handle when he was younger.  The problem is that what he perceives as a threat is no longer a threat to him.  Mommy and Daddy were always associated with emotional pain and they didn't provide for him in the past, so therefore he can't trust anyone with the name Mommy and Daddy.  My heart breaks that anyone, let alone my own son, should have to be subjected to this hurt.  My heart breaks for the inability at times to reach past that wall, pull it down, and see the real person inside.  All that being said, today I'm struggling.  This week has been riddled with much poop, bed wetting, phone calls from the school, and a 3-day bus suspension.  Reading that quote above goes against every human cell within me when the behaviors being thrown your way you know are a way of sabotaging love and a means to control what he thinks he needs to.  Transition whether big or small always present a threat to him and tip his carefully controlled world.  And that always means we need to hunker down and wait out the storms headed our way.

So we do.  We've learned that this too shall pass and that we will find a way to survive this ourselves.  There is a reason behind the behavior and while it's painful to have it all hurled our way, we are able to see past it and try our best to continue to chip away at that wall with our own strong will and love.  This is possible because we have an army of people who stand behind us and support us.  We have people who take the time to read a book so they can try and understand our "unique" a little better and why we do what we do sometimes.  We have people who surround us who encourage, rather than judge...who see the strength and grit behind the tears we shed...who see that love isn't a fix-all for early childhood trauma and trust that we DO (and we do!) love him and want only the best for him...who see that we are his greatest champions.  To anyone who is interested in understanding us a little better we strongly encourage you to read this book...

we will provide a copy for you if you don't want to spend the money.  I have been handing it out to those around us who work with Carter and spend time with him and it's been so helpful in educating those in our world to the "whys".  I wish I would have had this book a few years ago, but I'm thankful for the wonderful person (you know who you are and you're amazing!) who shared it with me.  It's a quick read and I read thru it in one evening.  As a foster/adoptive mom, it was truly like reading a hug for those of us who live in the world of trauma.  I've given a copy to our therapist, our church, the school, family and friends...so worth it!!!  To those who have taken the time to read it and get a better understanding into our world...thank you!!!  It's such a blessing to be surrounded by such amazing, supportive people who lift us up.

God has the ability to take our brokenness and use it to create something beautiful.  While it's difficult to live through the brokenness, God had planned this from the moment he formed our son in his mother's womb...He has a beautiful plan for his life and for ours. God isn't content with complacent lives but strives for us to learn and grow and reach potential we never knew existed within ourselves.  I'm learning that He is using my greatest moments of failure and that while I'm human and imperfect, I still receive His grace and love.  He's teaching me the true meaning of grace and sacrifice and what it truly means to give my life to Him; that just as He loves unlovable me, I in turn need to be more like Him and love the unlovable.  It's a hard lesson, the road paved with the ruts of my own human insecurities, resentments, and hurts.  But I know that we serve a God who can move mountains and our God can use our brokenness to heal.

While I miss the girl I once was, I know that God is molding and using me for a greater purpose and I don't regret for one minute that I am these boy's mom!!  They have added so much to our world and brought so much love and happiness despite the heartache and tears.  We pray that God will provide us as parents with the wisdom, strength, and courage we need...that He will use the cracks of our imperfections to shine His light and be a good example for our boys.

On a less heavy note, this little guy has finally started kindergarten and I thought I'd be a blubbering mess his first day...that's not really my nature...and I wasn't.  Jamie and figured out a few days prior that we would get a whole day together on his first day and the excitement outweighed my reservations.  While I do miss having him home with me and that we've moved to a new stage of parenting (and I got jipped because I didn't get their early years), I'm enjoying school normals like I've never gotten to experience before.  Both my younger two boys are doing well in school this year and loving it and it's been a joy to see them grow and learn.  I am still learning how to balance my time with them while also parenting my oldest differently and giving him the attention he needs (or steals at times).  We are really enjoying getting plugged into the community around us through school and church and look forward to the school year ahead of us.  God has been good to us!

Despite our challenges we have much to be thankful for and we are so thankful for the community around us and the people God has placed in our lives.  After all, there are people out there who would love to have my bad days.

"May I never forget the good things He has done for me."

Psalm 103:2