Summer has officially arrived in our home and we enjoyed the milder temps and blue skies we got last week and spent a considerable amount of time enjoying the outdoors. I've been kind of dreading summer as all the kids are home and that often means breaking up more fights and dealing with an added amount of drama from my oldest. Each year I'm learning the ins and outs in living with attachment disorder and what that looks like for all of us. I'm learning what the triggers are, the humility in knowing we need to ask and accept help, and that healing (while it's slow progress) CAN happen with the right kind of therapy. If I could shout this from the rooftops and give other RAD mamas a glimmer of hope with this I would...we have been utterly blessed beyond measure with our horse therapy team and this God-breathed blessing is right in our back yard and so worth EVERY penny we pay!! After spending 2 years feeling like this was a hopeless situation, we moved into a new approach with therapy. For those who may be struggling with an attachment child, I highly recommend Daniel Hughes method of approach. We began DDP (dyadic developmental psychotherapy) therapy with our horse therapists around the beginning of the year and initially it was something just Jamie and I attended while our eldest was doing neuro-optimal therapy. We've basically been learning a PACE (playful, accepting, curious, empathic) method of parenting. It has broadened our horizons on the empathetic scale and given us a better understanding as to why we've been experiencing some of the behaviors we have and giving us tools to use to better accept and connect with him while learning the 'why' behind it all. About 2 months ago, Carter also started sitting in on our sessions, so it's kind of a whole family session (the other 2 are in the room and often we find them just sitting, listening and watching us).
A year ago I don't know that I would have been able to mentally and emotionally sit and talk with him in this type of setting. Being a RAD mom is so hard on so many levels. You feel so sad initially and truly think that love will fix their problems and when the realization hits home that love won't fix it, you feel guilty and stupid for not figuring it out and being able to fix the problems. Then you move from guilt to resentment because no matter how hard you try and how many new methods and things you try, we live over and over again the same mistakes/behaviors and you don't understand how they can't seem to have a sense of motivation and as mom you get tired of it always being directed at YOU and you simply feel like connecting with this kid is impossible. It's beyond exhausting trying to figure out the next move and how to respond, because some responses could completely send him into a tailspin...sometimes the more we've loved, the worse the behaviors become. We are more than familiar with the ups and downs (mostly downs) that go hand in hand in living with attachment disorder and we've begun to realize that while this isn't normal it is OUR normal. But along with that comes the brokenness in feeling like you are utterly failing in trying to be mom and make a meaningful connection. You lose hope, a desire to want to connect, and feel guilty because of these feelings...all completely natural feelings, and by the end of most days you are broken.
And this is where I know without a shadow of a doubt that I was meant to be this boy's mother! God made me that stubborn middle child who became bound and determined that if you gave me a challenge... I'd show you!! Some days I am depressed knowing that God had this planned all along because being his mom and trying to form any kind of attachment is such a daily, moment to moment, struggle! God you have called me to love the unloveable but how much can one human mom possibly take?? And then from above a voice quietly reminds me that ANYTHING is possible with Him and I'm reminded that He formed this child in his mother's womb and that God's plans are perfect and beyond anything I could imagine...I just need to lean on Him and have faith that through it all He WILL provide. The truth that attaching to this child will go beyond anything humanly possible and that I cannot, nor am I expected, to do this alone.
From this realization and in learning to parent from a place of empathy and acceptance are born moments of true joy and from these a connection and a bond slowly begins to form. These are the moments when I've taught my 8 year old son how to hug because he was simply never taught...and boy, can this guy hug...I mean REALLY hug!!! I can proudly say "I taught him that!!!" (And that came from a moment of brokenness after he had pooped himself.) These are the moments when I've danced with my 9 year old son in the living room after filling him with words of affirmation and watching his little face beam from ear to ear because his world is simply based off of shame and guilt and most of the time he doesn't believe these things about himself. These are the moments when Jamie and I have sat by his bed as "Batman and Batgirl" and "put out our protective force field" so that we could provide an open and safe place for him to try and place his burden of pain and to open up to us so we can show him that parental love can be trusted.
THESE are the moments when a hope I thought long gone, burns brighter than ever in our lives. These are the moments when I'm forever grateful that God gifted me the amazing man and partner I get to DDP alongside. This incredible man not only is a shining male role model for our sons, but he has stepped up to every challenge right along with me and willingly does what he needs to try and connect with our sons as well. He sits next to me and our son in horse therapy and participates and makes me so beyond proud that THIS man is MINE!! He DDP's on the days I'm not home with them and asks our son what he can do to help him achieve him goals. He gives me the strength on days when I feel I can't DDP any more and to continue on and never makes me feel like less of a person on the days I stumble.
And boy do I stumble!! This isn't a blog on perfection and let me tell you, I've been less than stellar at DDP and accepting lately. I've been resentful and angry about our situation. This simply isn't fair!! I'm paying for sins I didn't commit and simply because my name is Mom. But then that voice gently tells me, "I built you for this" and I'm again reminded that our Creator, the Master of our universe has such a unique and special plan for all of us in this. I'm reminded that Carter didn't ask for the things that happened to him either and that God loves him and created him with a special and unique purpose, and as much as he may drive me crazy some days, God built him for this journey as well. He built him to survive and that's an incredible gift I hope we can build on. I read this quote recently and it's been life-changing for me and brings me back to that determined middle child God created in me...
"Every child deserves a champion:
an adult who will never give up on them,
who understands the power of connection and insists
they become the best they can be."
~Rita Pierson~
What a truly powerful statement and it really makes me wonder how many kids lives would be changed if adults were able to apply this more to the kids lives around us. It also makes me so grateful for the wonderful childhood I had and for the parents I was gifted who were the champions in my life! Their belief in me impacted me in so many positive ways. This truly challenges me as a mom for all 3 of my boys. How can I show my children that they are each special, unique, amazing, capable individuals? What are ways I can build them up, rather than tear them down? As parents it's our job to teach our children right from wrong, but we are also lead to show them what forgiveness, compassion, empowerment, and affirmation means. In order to build a foundation that's going to weather the storms that come through their lives we need to teach them confidence in who they are and that they are truly capable...we need to teach them to believe in themselves! We have been talking a lot about these words and other words like this lately and really diving into the meaning of words. But I think in order for our children to truly grasp this concept they need to see it modeled.
I'm so truly thankful for the blessing of our horse therapists and for the nonjudgmental, gentle ways they've encouraged, supported, and driven us in parenting our wonderful, unique son and for the ways we've been able to make progress and for the ways we've seen the bonds of attachment begin to form. God was so in this and I'm so grateful that He brought these 3 treasures into our lives and that we've been given the unique blessing in calling them OUR sons!! They have changed our world in so many ways and I'll forever be grateful that these 3 became mine.
Lastly, we have turned a new corner in our world and this fall all 3 of my boys will be in school. While I know I will enjoy the time to myself again, I won't lie, I'm going to miss this little guy and his chatty banter added in my day. God has gifted me with 3 VERY unique boys. My middle is ever the deep thinker, exuding confidence, and he may just be a bit stronger-willed than his mommy. (I know...who knew THAT was possible??) He can be the most well-behaved and compassionate one minute and then turn into a monster the next. He wears his emotions on his sleeve. I think he and I will butt heads but simply because we have the most in common and our quick to react attitudes may clash at times. He has leader potential written all over and I love that about him! He gave us a run for our money with kindergarten this past year but we all learned so much through the process and I'm learning that I need to approach him with a much different way of parenting than my other 2.
He got so excited when their bus came up the street and always looked forward to meeting
them right off the bus and hearing all about their day...I love this little guy's zest for life and love for others!
And then there's my baby who assures me he'll stay my baby forever! I never thought I'd be "that mom" who got emotional about my kids going off to school...I AM. This school year felt like it flew by and that just yesterday we were starting the year just he and I...and now we've reached the end. I will miss the days I had with him undertow, constantly chattering away, asking "mommy can you just read to me?" and "mommy can we play games?"...he asked me to read to him one time recently and I said, "I can't right now buddy" and he promptly asked, "Well can you after right now?" Oh how I'm going to miss these moments!!!! I'll miss his lovable little self that calls from the other room while playing, "Mommy I like you and I love you so so much!", his amazing help with chores around the house, and the ways his smart little brain picks up on things. I no longer have any toddlers at home. I'll miss the days when my boys no longer want me to read to them or when they rest their heads on my shoulders as I do. The days when they ask for snuggles or in their little voices want to know if they can help me with anything. Everyone tells you that they are only small for a short time and you don't really believe it until reality smacks you in the head and you come to grips with the realization that they truly won't be little forever. My mommy heart cries in wanting some of that time back but we will look forward to what's ahead and the amazing plans God has for these little boys...the 3 little brown boys who came into our world and changed us for the better. To my sons...THANK YOU for making me a mommy!
"You didn't grow under my heart but in it"
