We have almost reached our 6 week mark with the boys and life has changed beyond belief. I would like to report that things are going just beautifully and that we're just loving our new role but I think any parent would think I was living in a fantasy world if I said so and my husband would probably seriously consider getting my head checked out as that is definitely NOT where we are at right now. We are in what I call survival mode. That point in your life when you feel like you're one paddle away from drowning, we can keep bobbing, but don't expect it to always look graceful because graceful isn't on the radar right now...it is simply about
SURVIVING!
So in an attempt to brighten my mood I'm going to share about some of my favorite things. Things that now that I'm part of the mommy club, I'm sure most can relate with. One of my most favorite things right now is THIS...
...MY closet!!!
This has quickly become my absolute favorite room in the house! It is a room all to myself and it just makes me feel calm and happy when I walk into it. I find my zen in this room, I get dolled up in this room, it smells clean and is has some of my favorite things in it. Like that ottoman, for example, I love to sit there and put my shoes on. The vanity, where I can sit quietly in my room with my favorite pandora station and get prettied up or sit with my computer. Those marathon medals I worked so hard for...at least I got medal for that marathon, ain't no medal for the mommy marathon! My favorite pair of sparkly heels. The beautiful jewelry my husband showers me with. There are so many reasons I love this room!! It is completely ME! Yes, I do understand all my ME statements make me sound a little selfish right now and I can honestly say, that is NOT my intention. This room is simply my "happy" many days when I desperately need to find a measure of joy and happiness.
THE Closet came about this past spring after that horribly wonderful thing called Pinterest. In looking for a better solution for our tiny, shared closet issues I saw these amazing closets and got the idea that I'd love to turn a room in our house into my own closet...an ENTIRE room! So we took the room we would have used for a nursery and transformed it. My husband was completely on board with my idea and has been great about helping me transform it. (I truly found a diamond in the rough in that man!!! He's one of a kind!) I wanted to take my time and come up with the right concept for what I was looking for. There are SO many ideas out there and directions to go, but I wanted it to look similar to the picture in my head. Picking colors is always the hardest part for me because I don't enjoy painting so I want to get it done right the first time. After asking one of my amazing friends what I should do, she suggested I do Tiffany colors and her suggestion was just PERFECT!! It just fell into place from there and I had a vision in what I wanted. Nothing like a little Breakfast at Tiffany's to make one happy. I've so enjoyed finding little pieces here and there to continue to complete the look of my room. It didn't all come together at one time and it's still not complete, but that's part of the fun. I recently added the chandelier and it is another one of my favorite parts of this room. It adds sparkle in all the right places!
So this transformation happened this spring prior to even meeting the boys and my comment has been..."we figured the baby thing wasn't going to happen so let's do with this room what WE want and then God looked down and laughed." One of the first questions from MANY when they found out about the boys was, "Are you keeping the closet?" I SURE AM!!! I NEED a place to go where I can recharge and feel it's my own space. Every parent needs that!! So welcome to my space...please don't stand on the ottoman, leave your own shoes at the door, and don't touch! Ooops sorry, I forgot I wasn't talking to the kids for a second.
My hubby was great about letting me purchase a closet system for this closet and it's been just grand! And my New York sign was a great find! I had my eye on it a few weeks before I actually purchased it, even had it in my cart, and put it back because the price just wasn't right for me. I figured if I really wanted it, I wouldn't forget it was there and go back if I felt it was right for me. Well, I just couldn't find something even close to it, so I went back and bought it...on clearance this time!! Score!!
I wanted to be creative about what I hung on my walls. I wanted New York, Paris, kind of a fashion theme for the room. So I took designer bags I had and framed them. (Again another Pinterest idea) And with the help of my amazing Mom, they found their way on the wall without me screwing it up completely!
Truer words have never been spoken. :)
(My husband disagrees.)
I had this all figured out in my head, it was all about getting the right pieces for my room. This mirror was kind of a long time coming. I had been using a long broken mirror for months until I came across the right mirror for the right price.
Jamie has amazing taste in jewelry and I don't get jewelry all the time...please don't think we are rolling in the dough, he's also a great bargain hunter! The price tag doesn't give it any less meaning. He gave me this necklace when we got the boys and it's one of my favorites. The diamond in the middle moves and catches the light.
And there is the man himself! He is by far one of my favorite things!! He knows just when I need him most and I've discovered that not only are we soulmates, but we make amazing teammates when it comes to parenting. He IS my better half and one amazing daddy.
These have also become two of my favorite things! I am amazed at how much crappier my life has gotten...I mean that in the literal sense. We have dealt with more poop in the last 6 weeks than I have my entire nursing career and that's saying something!! I'm weary of the bathroom problems...I'm exhausted from attempting to pull at every straw we have to try and curb some of the behaviors. We are realizing that it will most definitely get worse before it gets better. That thought alone makes my insides churn and I find myself rocking in my seat trying to hold onto the little bit of sanity I have left. This journey IS NOT easy...it IS NOT fun...it HAS NOT been a joy. This is simply our reality right now. So therefore, sometimes I calmly (outwardly at least, inside I'm a trembling mess) close the bedroom door to a screaming, out of control child...this is after spending over an hour listening to another sob and yell at me for making him scrub his soiled underwear...and walk to my fridge, find this sweet gem and a corkscrew and enjoy a glass of bubbly happy. If anything it helps to calm the anxiety so I can at least fall asleep without spending hours tossing and turning because of the guilt in feeling like a horrible parent.
(Disclaimer: no, this does not happen every night, only occasions when necessary!)
Our reality right now is very much nut shelled in the above paragraph. Things have definitely gotten worse since we first got the boys and while they tell you there will be a honeymoon period, which is definitely NOT anything like a honeymoon, they are right! This is a place for me to be vulnerable and honest, so I'm gonna lay it out there. No, I do not enjoy being a mommy right now. I would do just about anything to go a week without having to hear mommy a zillion times in a day. (Yes, I've tried telling them that mommy isn't here...they've caught on and now ask, "Is Sally here today, mommy?") I miss my quiet house. I miss just picking up and going where I wanted to go. Yes, we do have occasional moments of joy but at present they are few and far between and that is truly not my being pessimistic, this is quite frankly our reality. We knew it wasn't going to be easy. We knew we were called to do this. But no amount of classes or training can ever prepare you for this. Again, not something we didn't already know.
Many parents get to know their children as they grow from infants into toddlers and then young children. We didn't have that. We didn't get their past, we just got the baggage they brought with them. We are doing the best that we can at this present moment, but we are definitely struggling. We take one day...one moment at a time. I watched a video this morning of a dad giving his new infant a bath and my heart bled a little still wondering what that must be like. We took these boys into our home willingly and want them here, but we moved right into discipline and the love for them is going to take time to fully develop.
We live on the prayers of many right now and so greatly appreciate the overwhelming support from so many!!! Thank you to those who ask and then sit and listen. Listening to us as well as getting some validation for where we are right now definitely helps!!! Many times it's just nice to know someone is listening and truly cares. We just want to know that we are doing a good job and that we aren't adding to their baggage or making their lives worse. So thank you for the continued encouragement, shoulder to cry on, and as always the prayers!!! It goes further than you may think some days!
Blessings!!
