Hmm, the title of this post has, I will humbly admit, not always been the song of my heart. How do we begin to say "It is well, God" when our hearts feel far from the calm and peace of "it is well"? Where does the healing begin when the pieces of our lives feel so utterly out of place and removed from where we ever thought we'd be? Yet here we are, again given the simple reality in choosing to either complain about the circumstances or say "it is well" and allow God to work in and through us.
In many ways I feel like my life has been quite the journey. I'm sure compared to what some must face...losing a child... or losing a husband... or a house burning with everything I own...to many, my journey has not compared. But it has been MY journey; OUR journey. We have endured sitting in a doctors office and being told after years of wanting that our chances of conceiving are less than 1%. We've moved everything we've owned to halfway across the country, far from anything familiar or comfortable and felt the heartache in seeing dreams change. We've been through the struggle of moving time and again, desperately longing to just call some place home. We've again faced the reality of infertility and the disappointment each failed treatment leaves in it's wake. The utter frustration and lonely pain in desiring to fill our arms with children and time and again God gently saying no.
BUT...we HAVE seen His true blessings upon our lives. The joy in welcoming nieces, nephews, and god children! We've experienced the beauty of watching lighting from atop a hill and seeing it EVERYWHERE around us, and sunsets that go on for miles! We have discovered the joy and sense of peace that comes in owning our own home! We've found that a family isn't just those you're related to or about how many children you have, but sometimes the most unexpected additions are friends! Most of all we've seen God's miracles working and through our lives and by putting aside my own desires and saying, "God, it is well with my soul, Your will be done," I've discovered the biggest miracle of all. You see for almost 9 years now I've been praying for God to work a miracle in our lives. And I have to admit in all that praying that I still wanted God to give me the one thing I thought would complete my life...a baby. I wasn't willing to completely give Him everything because I needed to hang onto that...I still needed to control that request...to hold onto it because that was what I wanted. But God works in mysterious ways and He works in His own ways. It's not about my timing and no matter how entitled I feel, God owes me nothing...NOTHING! But through all of the muck and the storms He has graciously provided for me. It may not have been exactly what I had asked for, but He ALWAYS faithfully provided. And He recently provided for me in a BIG way!
So here it is the BIG miracle I've been praying for all these years! I've continued to ask God to either bless me with children but if children weren't part of His big plan for my life then He was going to need to give me peace about not having children. A peace about never seeing my husband...this precious, wonderful man who I dearly love...never be a daddy...to experience that moment I've seen SO many experience in the delivery room that moment after a baby is born. That realization that they are now parents. A peace in never filling the room I had always envisioned to be our nursery with pink or blue. A peace in never hearing "I love you mommy". It was a tall order to fill and one that comes from a desperate heart just longing to fill the empty spaces deep within with a true purpose and meaning.
And He ANSWERED my prayers!! That peace that I've been longing to feel has slowly begun fill in those empty spaces in my heart and I've felt a renewed sense of energy that I haven't felt in a long, long time!! I can finally feel like I can breathe again!! I can truly say that it IS well with my soul!!! I can sing that from the depths of my heart and truly mean it. Through it all He has richly blessed our lives and given us so many unimaginable gifts. I heard this song recently and it truly spoke to me. It makes me realize the humble, meager person I am compared to the greatness of God. I am nothing without Him. And even though I can't see the big picture and I don't understand the direction my journey has taken me, He does, and if I lay my fears, my worries, and my desires at His feet and allow Him to use me for His will and purpose, I am promised I will not be disappointed. I am promised the freedom to be able to truly sing from my heart, "It is well, Lord."
I want my life to have meaning and purpose. I want to make a difference in this world and so often I feel that I fall so short of that. That despite being a nurse and constantly being involved in so many lives that I still don't seem to make an impact, to truly touch the lives of those I come in contact with. I feel so inadequate because I can't really relate with those I take care of. I hate the misconception I hear so many times when I answer the question "Do you have children?" and the response I often hear after saying no, "You see all the pain everyone has to go through and wouldn't want to go through that." Little do they see the internal pain I deal with on a daily basis helping to bring their miracles into the world, handing over their baby, and offering a tiny "congratulations" while continuing to only ever imagine and dream what that would be like for me and my husband to experience that. Little do they realize how so far from the truth that is. Little do they understand that while having children may certainly have been a choice for them, it definitely wasn't a choice for me...I didn't chose this journey or this path. Yet God, in His infinite wisdom, built me for this journey and these circumstances. And He has promised that He will see us through the storms. Life isn't meant to be perfect and we are in fact promised hardships, but we serve a God who can move mountains with faith the size of a mustard seed. So I am going to trust in His beautiful plan for me and trust that no matter how small and insignificant I may feel at times, especially in the reality that motherhood may never come to me, I am going to sing out IT IS WELL and allow God to use me as part of His plan, not mine.
It IS well with my soul!!
In many ways I feel like my life has been quite the journey. I'm sure compared to what some must face...losing a child... or losing a husband... or a house burning with everything I own...to many, my journey has not compared. But it has been MY journey; OUR journey. We have endured sitting in a doctors office and being told after years of wanting that our chances of conceiving are less than 1%. We've moved everything we've owned to halfway across the country, far from anything familiar or comfortable and felt the heartache in seeing dreams change. We've been through the struggle of moving time and again, desperately longing to just call some place home. We've again faced the reality of infertility and the disappointment each failed treatment leaves in it's wake. The utter frustration and lonely pain in desiring to fill our arms with children and time and again God gently saying no.
BUT...we HAVE seen His true blessings upon our lives. The joy in welcoming nieces, nephews, and god children! We've experienced the beauty of watching lighting from atop a hill and seeing it EVERYWHERE around us, and sunsets that go on for miles! We have discovered the joy and sense of peace that comes in owning our own home! We've found that a family isn't just those you're related to or about how many children you have, but sometimes the most unexpected additions are friends! Most of all we've seen God's miracles working and through our lives and by putting aside my own desires and saying, "God, it is well with my soul, Your will be done," I've discovered the biggest miracle of all. You see for almost 9 years now I've been praying for God to work a miracle in our lives. And I have to admit in all that praying that I still wanted God to give me the one thing I thought would complete my life...a baby. I wasn't willing to completely give Him everything because I needed to hang onto that...I still needed to control that request...to hold onto it because that was what I wanted. But God works in mysterious ways and He works in His own ways. It's not about my timing and no matter how entitled I feel, God owes me nothing...NOTHING! But through all of the muck and the storms He has graciously provided for me. It may not have been exactly what I had asked for, but He ALWAYS faithfully provided. And He recently provided for me in a BIG way!
So here it is the BIG miracle I've been praying for all these years! I've continued to ask God to either bless me with children but if children weren't part of His big plan for my life then He was going to need to give me peace about not having children. A peace about never seeing my husband...this precious, wonderful man who I dearly love...never be a daddy...to experience that moment I've seen SO many experience in the delivery room that moment after a baby is born. That realization that they are now parents. A peace in never filling the room I had always envisioned to be our nursery with pink or blue. A peace in never hearing "I love you mommy". It was a tall order to fill and one that comes from a desperate heart just longing to fill the empty spaces deep within with a true purpose and meaning.
And He ANSWERED my prayers!! That peace that I've been longing to feel has slowly begun fill in those empty spaces in my heart and I've felt a renewed sense of energy that I haven't felt in a long, long time!! I can finally feel like I can breathe again!! I can truly say that it IS well with my soul!!! I can sing that from the depths of my heart and truly mean it. Through it all He has richly blessed our lives and given us so many unimaginable gifts. I heard this song recently and it truly spoke to me. It makes me realize the humble, meager person I am compared to the greatness of God. I am nothing without Him. And even though I can't see the big picture and I don't understand the direction my journey has taken me, He does, and if I lay my fears, my worries, and my desires at His feet and allow Him to use me for His will and purpose, I am promised I will not be disappointed. I am promised the freedom to be able to truly sing from my heart, "It is well, Lord."
I want my life to have meaning and purpose. I want to make a difference in this world and so often I feel that I fall so short of that. That despite being a nurse and constantly being involved in so many lives that I still don't seem to make an impact, to truly touch the lives of those I come in contact with. I feel so inadequate because I can't really relate with those I take care of. I hate the misconception I hear so many times when I answer the question "Do you have children?" and the response I often hear after saying no, "You see all the pain everyone has to go through and wouldn't want to go through that." Little do they see the internal pain I deal with on a daily basis helping to bring their miracles into the world, handing over their baby, and offering a tiny "congratulations" while continuing to only ever imagine and dream what that would be like for me and my husband to experience that. Little do they realize how so far from the truth that is. Little do they understand that while having children may certainly have been a choice for them, it definitely wasn't a choice for me...I didn't chose this journey or this path. Yet God, in His infinite wisdom, built me for this journey and these circumstances. And He has promised that He will see us through the storms. Life isn't meant to be perfect and we are in fact promised hardships, but we serve a God who can move mountains with faith the size of a mustard seed. So I am going to trust in His beautiful plan for me and trust that no matter how small and insignificant I may feel at times, especially in the reality that motherhood may never come to me, I am going to sing out IT IS WELL and allow God to use me as part of His plan, not mine.
It IS well with my soul!!
