I'm finding it difficult to know exactly how to begin this post. First, I'd like to share a photo of our home...yes, I finally am getting around to posting this! I know it's far overdue but life has just been so busy I've rarely found time to get out my camera for anything besides family photos. No it's not a mansion or anything particularly grand but it's OUR home and we are thrilled to finally be here.
While we are absolutely thrilled to be in a new home, our own home and so thankful for the incredible blessings God has showered upon us, we also continue to struggle with the pain and frustration of infertility. We've recently been pursuing our options regarding infertility and I must admit my hesitation in doing so. You'd think I would be thrilled to finally be moving in some direction but honestly I had finally come to a place where we weren't doing testing or throwing around what direction we should go and I was at a point where I wasn't so down and out so the thought of starting the process up again and potentially putting ourselves out there for more hurt and disappointment didn't look inviting in the least. But knowing that at some point we needed to take that leap of faith and take the next step, we began again.
Here is a post Jamie recently posted on his Facebook page and despite the tears I had already been crying, the dam definitely opened after I read this. My heart was filled with such love for this man God gave to me!
Today God looked down and said "No you are not ready yet." I started to complain and say why not.... I'm ready.... We want this really bad... And why!?!? He just smiled and said "I know you don't understand right now but just wait and see it will all make since." I could've of kept on asking why but I said "Ok,ok you do know best and I will wait and see what it is you have in-store for my life... Yes I don't like waiting around for the answer but I will. Thank you for all your blessing and for those that have not come yet." So here I am in waiting again but life is good and I have a great wife who is helping me get thru this! I love you baby girl!!
My heart cries out with hurt and frustration, the ache of empty arms a sad reality, at times feeling as though it's suffocating the life from me. The 7 years of waiting and continued months of waiting we have yet to endure seem like an endless sea of hopelessness and disappointment. I'm not a great example of this all the time and I shamelessly admit that I've lost hope and I've been angry, so I write this now when a glimmer of hope is present because even at the worst times deep down I know that I serve a God who is EVER faithful; a God who can heal the broken hearted; a God who when everything is stacked against you and the impossibilities are staring you in the face, can make all things possible and bring about a miracle.
My prayer of late has been this, God, You know the desires of our hearts, You see our hurts and our struggles and You can ultimately change that for us. But we continue to pray for a miracle and my true prayer is this...If children are NOT part of You're plan for us, then may the miracle be my heart's content for a childless future.
I have been struggling immensely with the burden of infertility lately, my job as an L&D nurse a constant reminder of what I can't have, and through it I've seen heartache and pain...BUT I've also seen God! His blessings are constant, His love ever present, and His faithfulness a calm in the storm. It's so difficult for me not to look up and ask, "Why?", my humanly mind incapable of understanding His great plan for our lives. But no matter my plans or aspirations in life, I am daily reminded that I serve a God who is in control and has a beautiful plan for my life. I may not understand it at the time but I'm called to praise Him through the good and the bad. No I don't particularly enjoy this season of grieving but I can find joy in the midst of sorrow.
Again I wanted to share something that has brought comfort to me. I've really been enjoying the christian station in my car lately and find that God really has a way of speaking to me through music. I pray that if you're struggling and in need a miracle today that this will also bring to you the miracle of peace in the midst of pain. I also ask that you keep Jamie and I in your prayers...prayer is such a powerful thing and we greatly appreciate those who have and continue to lift us up in prayer.
