I’ve thought so many times during my struggles that in the grand scheme of things, this is really nothing to deal with. I’m not faced with a terminal illness or some environmental catastrophe, so really this should be do-able. But why then is it so difficult to crawl out of bed some days? Why can’t I seem to face the world in front of me? I go searching for answers I know will probably never have an answer. I’m searching for the solution to a problem far beyond my control…and the inability to control this situation is so frustrating. But life is about trusting…trusting in a God who is the Ultimate Answer.
That doesn’t necessarily make the road easier to travel nor was it meant to, but He has promised to provide comfort and healing. But then why do I find even trusting so hard to do at times? I rebel against God, pushing Him further away, determined to changed the problem myself. I have to shamefully admit that I’ve kept part of our infertility issues rather than completely giving the problem to God…if I keep them, than at least I still have a little control, right? I’m so afraid to completely give it up because what if…what if God says, “No”. I don’t want His answer to be no, I want Him to take the problem and fix it the way I want it fixed. I’ve questioned Him so many times, asking “Why…why can’t I be a mommy?” Thus far I’ve not felt an answer to that question and maybe only time will reveal that answer.
I’m struggling so much right now. The suffocation that comes from my human inability to change or control this makes life seem dull, gray, bleak. A future without children feels like a death sentence. I’ve watched so many others at this age, their families grow, life moves to a new stage…I’m still stuck back at a stage I feel I’ve outgrown, but no matter how many times I try to advance to a new stage, I keep getting denied. I feel like relationships I have with some friends will some day fade away because they will eventually move on to the new stage and I can’t understand…I can’t relate with that…I fear of one day being all alone. While many talk diapers and sleepless nights, I quietly sit there…internally screaming, I just want to know, I want to relate with that. I want those sleepless nights…I want the dirty diapers…I want to some day hear, “Mommy, I love you.”
My question of late has been, where do you go when the hope runs out? So many may judge because they feel that you should always remain optimistic, but when hope has only brought disappointment, I find it’s better if I’m realistic about my situation. I don’t want to hope for something that may never happen…if I don’t hope, I don’t disappoint.
I think many of us spend our lives searching…searching for answers, searching for the truth, searching for love. I’ve found myself questioning so many things is the last several years and maybe that’s the answer to everything…that we aren’t meant to question but to simply trust, giving up the search and embracing the truths we do know. As mush as I’m afraid to trust, afraid that the answer will always be no, I know that true healing can only begin when I allow God to take complete control. Last week was such a struggle for me and at times the anger and bitterness is difficult to keep hidden…I think few truly understand how deep this wound goes. Sometimes I wish that it really was a physical scar people could see. But life isn’t about the scars you receive but the lessons you learn in the battle and as much as I don’t want this particular battle, I can’t control it and I need to learn to give ultimate control to the only True One who can lead me through it. If only I’ll ask, He’ll cover those ugly scars…put together the pieces of a broken heart…He is the only one that can heal a wounded soul.
For those who have prayed, given words of encouragement, or have reached out in some way, please know that your love and kindness doesn’t go unnoticed. We appreciate your support and prayers more than you’ll ever know! Please continue to keep us in your prayers. I cannot imagine walking this road without the forgiveness of a loving Father and my heart aches for those who do. Our prayer remains that God will richly bless those who have blessed us in ways unexpected.
I may not have all the answers to life, but I serve a God who holds the key to understanding, truth, and acceptance.
